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hey everyone Michael here so have you
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ever had one of those days where you
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just snap like full-on no holds barred
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completely lose your cool and absolutely
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torch everything in your path yeah that
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was pretty much my last court appearance
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and trust me it was a long time coming
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so picture this i'm in family court
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right and the judge Judge Matthews let's
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just say she wasn't exactly my biggest
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fan she's laying down the law reading
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off this divorce decree that sounds like
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it was written by my ex-wife Wanda's
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fantasy football league wanda gets the
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house until the kids graduate with me
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paying the mortgage and utilities half
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my business hers my car payments still
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on me and then there's the kicker 60% of
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all our assets bank accounts investments
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retirement poof oh and primary custody
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of the girls also hers child support a
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cool $1,500 a month and because Wanda
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hadn't worked in 5 years they tacked on
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an extra $2,000 a month for her totaling
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a sweet $3,500 a month i'm sitting there
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listening to all this and I just I
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couldn't believe it the judge wraps up
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bangs her gavvel and starts to stand up
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and that's when I said the one word that
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the word that basically lit a match to
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my entire life for the next few months i
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asked her "What's so hard to understand
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you need a definition you guys?" She
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froze like statue level frozen her head
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swiveled so fast I thought her neck was
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going to snap clean off the look on her
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face was pure disbelief like how dare
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this guy me say that in her courtroom
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slowly she slunk back into her chair and
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that shock morphed into pure
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unadulterated fury she hits the gavvel
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again and barks i'm not stupid i know
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what's coming you have 1 minute to
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apologize or I'll hold you in contempt
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and you know what I said i looked her
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dead in the eye and said "At least you'd
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make one correct ruling today because I
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have nothing but contempt for this
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My lawyer bless his cotton socks was
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frantically whispering in my ear
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probably looking for a muzzle in his
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briefcase but I was on a roll
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she snarled slammed the gavvel again and
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threatened me with 30 days in jail my
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How about 60 want to go for more your
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honor and maybe if you got laid
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occasionally you wouldn't be such a
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difficult person yeah I know not my
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finest moment but the words just tumbled
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out i even suggested she could uh ride
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them to a climax i really thought
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someone was going to call 911
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her face turned a shade of red I didn't
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even know was possible i swear I was
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waiting for smoke to come out of her
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ears she sentenced me to 90 days her
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voice sounding like something out of a
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horror movie my lawyer looked like he'd
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seen a ghost and the entire courtroom
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was in shock and then I did it i
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couldn't help it i burst out laughing
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fullon belly laugh probably why I had so
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many visits from psychologists in lockup
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not exactly a surprise when my lawyers
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dropped me the next day either so how
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did we get here a little backstory so
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you're probably wondering what the heck
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well let me introduce myself i'm Michael
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i'm 31 years old grew up in the
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heartland of America with traditional
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values respect honesty hard work you
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give your word it means something and
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here's the big one do unto others as you
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would have them do unto you
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but here's the flip side of that coin
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the one people usually forget do unto
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others as they have done unto you
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turning the other cheek not my strong
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suit i've always had an extreme stubborn
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streak combined with a pretty intense
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sense of justice when someone wrongs me
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and I mean wrong me I set a course of
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action and nothing can stop me case in
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point high school my cousin Harold and I
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were like brothers grew up together
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i was dating Cheryl we had a temporary
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breakup the kind where you know you'll
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be back together Monday
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except I saw Harold taking Cheryl to the
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movies that Saturday night and I knew he
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liked her from that moment on he was
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dead to me forgave him years later
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sure after I took his girlfriend and
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didn't speak to him for a year he even
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sent a wedding invite ignored it invited
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everyone to my wedding except him
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yeah I hold a grudge and I firmly
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believe if you can't do the crime don't
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do the time choices have consequences
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it's called personal responsibility
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i refuse to pay for someone else's
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idiocy so I work my butt off good grades
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scholarships college MBA got a great job
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started playing the stock market turns
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out I had a knack for it making serious
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cash then I met Wanda she was beautiful
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seriously everyone commented on it we
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hit it off got married she quit her job
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a week before the wedding barista at
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Starbucks art history degree you know
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the Mrs degree kind of college we
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settled into marital bliss living well
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not extravagantly i was crushing it at
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work and in the market maxing out
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investments Roth contributions aiming to
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retire before 40 i was on top of the
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world then one Friday Wanda greets me at
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the door all dressed up big smile hurry
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up shower we're celebrating daddy daddy
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i was shocked we'd been trying but still
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i swept her up spun her around we went
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out and celebrated like crazy a couple
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months later another shock twins two
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little girls i was ecstatic couldn't
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wait to spoil my two little daddy's
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girls life was perfect fast forward a
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couple of years the girl's second
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birthday party full-on production all
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the family both sides were having a
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blast i step out of the bathroom and I
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hear my mom talking to her sister in the
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hallway my aunt says "I wonder where
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those blue eyes came from." My mom
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replies "I can't imagine what would
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happen if Michael found out they weren't
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his he's so happy it would probably
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devastate him." I froze my eyes are mud
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brown wanders are hazel no one in my
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family or hers had blue eyes
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my cousin Mary green eyes from her
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non-bloodreated dad's side no one i
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quietly went back into the bathroom
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locked the door i had to think the
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suspicion was overwhelming wanda cheated
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on me 3 years ago was she still i needed
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the next day while Wanda napped I
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ordered a DNA test kit to my office
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discreetly and I hired a private
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investigator pro- investigations
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gave them everything to hack into
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Wanda's phone tablet laptop and I
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started moving money if my suspicions
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were true I wasn't going to fund her
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infidelity or someone else's kids
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two weeks later the letter came i locked
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my office door and cried for an hour
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deep down I knew they weren't mine the
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next day my PI confirmed it all wanda
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was still seeing her blond-haired
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blue-eyed personal trainer meeting him
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regularly even taking the girls to his
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the audio it confirmed they both knew
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the day after that I called a divorce
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lawyer he gave me all the conventional
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advice prioritize the kids play nice i
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rejected it all i told him to prepare
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the documents but not to file them yet
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i wanted zero net income zero assets on
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paper it took two months to get
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everything ready then one weekend my
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cousin Howard and his wife Cheryl showed
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up they apologized for everything from
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high school and you know what i forgave
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them we reconciled seriously
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but there were a couple of coincidences
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cheryl's family let's just say some of
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them aren't afraid to bend a few minor
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laws some of them are big guys good in a
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bar fight maybe even work for some
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shadier businessmen but that's just
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gossip right a couple days before Howard
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and Cheryl showed up there was a news
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a personal trainer at a local gym got
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mugged five guys jumped him they took
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his wallet car stripped him naked and
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beat him within an inch of his life
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broken jaw shattered nose broken ribs
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broken arm dislocated kneecap ruptured
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testicles he'll be in the hospital for
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weeks the police are on it but no
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suspects dark clothes gloves ski masks
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doctors expect a full recovery after
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reconstructive surgery and physical
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therapy but intimate relations
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unlikely for a while and his car chop
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shop credit cards maxed out bank
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accounts emptied identity stolen for the
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dark web years of legal battles ahead
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surprisingly Wanda was despondent for
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about a week after the mugging i even
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offered to enhance our home security
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on Monday I told my lawyer to file i
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wanted her served on Friday late
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afternoon he tried to talk me out of it
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again but I was firm by Tuesday the
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papers were ready i humored him gave her
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the house and the investments but I
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wouldn't pay a dime beyond that if she
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wanted the house she'd pay the mortgage
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and utilities the investments been empty
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for a month i had no problem giving her
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100% of zero over the past few days I'd
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been quietly moving all my tools and
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belongings out of the house most of it
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went to Howard and Cheryl's ranch
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smaller stuff went to a one-bedroom
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apartment in a complex owned by an
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offshore LLC very hard to trace friday
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morning arrived i went to work as usual
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but 2 days earlier Howard had helped me
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move my truck to the office i left my
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car got in the pickup and drove to the
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bank cleared out all the accounts
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leaving a measly $100 in checking and
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savings emptied the safety deposit box
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then to the ranch combined all the cash
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and contents with my other belongings
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didn't want anyone tracing a new box or
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a wire transfer plus I figured I'd need
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the cash later why did I trust Howard
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simple their ranch mortgage was held by
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that same shady offshore LLC plus family
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is family and you don't mess with family
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the rest of our family takes that
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when Howard and I reconciled there was
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much joy late morning I drove home
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pulled over a couple blocks away to
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check the GPS on Wanda's car she was at
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the mall perfect rushed home parked in
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the driveway all my remaining clothes
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were packed and in the garage tossed
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them in the truck went inside grabbed
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the rest from the closet and dresser
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hangers and all didn't even bother to
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close the garage or the front door my
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phone rang as I was leaving wanda cards
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probably didn't work i glanced at the
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GPS she was heading my way laughed
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tossed my phone on the table and walked
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out within minutes I was blocks away
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arrived at my new apartment moved
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everything in three beers later all
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unpacked i sat back in my recliner my
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new cell phone rang only a couple people
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had this number and my soon-to-be
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ex-wife wasn't one of them it was the
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process server she'd been served he
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promised the video soon i said "Okay
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thank you." and hung up 15 minutes later
12:10
the video landed in my email to say she
12:13
was shocked well it's an understatement
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the video ended as she dropped to the
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floor i wish I could have seen her face
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when she realized I had DNA and video
12:22
evidence of her cheating from that
12:23
moment on things moved at the speed of a
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my old office called me constantly wanda
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didn't believe I'd resigned she even
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showed up in person demanding to see me
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that didn't end well for her the police
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had to escort her off the property
12:39
howard had to make some calls because
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she wasounding him suspecting he was
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involved in my sudden disappearance
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restraining orders were filed against
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her for my former company in Howard
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two weeks later my lawyer finally
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contacted hers she hadn't even hired one
12:55
yet she was quickly running out of money
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living off the cash in her purse and the
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$200 I'd left in the bank accounts her
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parents had to help out i was relaxing
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not starting any new projects avoiding
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leaving anything she could take
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eventually she got a lawyer and meetings
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were scheduled i refused to attend
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giving my lawyer strict instructions not
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one penny more tempers flared leading to
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i had to go to those and they didn't go
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well where's all the money idiot she
13:28
screamed my response what money we're
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flat broke i'm living in the cheapest
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one-bedroom apartment I could find
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chosen for affordability and because I
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know the owner all investments checking
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savings gone disastrous investment
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investing in a cheating wife which was
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technically true i just didn't know
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where those offshore banks kept their
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cash "we're giving her the house her
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name only on the title," my lawyer would
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say but he sounded like he was observing
13:58
a tornado ravaged house commenting that
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at least the rubble hadn't caught on
14:02
fire "the mortgage is maxed out i can't
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afford the monthly payments." Wanda
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it all went downhill from there child
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support not my kids not my problem
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spousal maintenance no job no income no
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way she wanted 70% of the liquid assets
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there were none 50% of the business good
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luck 150% of the retirement lost it all
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arbitration failed spectacularly the
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judge versus Michael round two which
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brings us back to our day in court
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facing the dishonorable Judge Matthews
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the most feminist man-hating family
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court judge harsher on men whose wives
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yeah I was screwed you'd think I was
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crazy for thinking I could convince them
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there was no money right wrong they
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could check the accounts i wasn't
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surprised when she used those numbers to
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calculate my liabilities the thing is
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they had no way to access it i needed
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time to transfer funds around through
15:02
different banks and different accounts
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i even personally pulled all the money
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out of one bank then deposited parts of
15:10
the withdrawal into several other
15:11
accounts at separate banks
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of course those accounts were in several
15:16
different names one of those rather
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shady businesses that Cheryl's family
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was involved with a gag gift shop where
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you could buy fake IDs for entertainment
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i had an ID claiming I was Jesus Christ
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perfect for pranks when someone
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exclaimed "Jesus Christ
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i'd pull out my ID cost about $150
15:37
skillfully crafted for a higher fee
15:40
they'd omit the warning i electronically
15:42
transferred money to other accounts
15:44
potentially traceable but costly and
15:47
so 60 days into my 90-day county jail
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stay she sneered and asked if I'd
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learned my lesson yet i said "About not
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marrying a cheating spouse I grasped
15:59
that long before your court." She
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clarified that she meant my attitude in
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her court the vein on her forehead was
16:06
popping i have no issues with my
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attitude your honor I replied but I'm
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concerned about your health your blood
16:13
pressure must spike during doctor visits
16:15
especially since you're railroading me
16:16
in front of kangaroos she warned me she
16:19
could extend my stay add another 30 days
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then she brought up why we were there no
16:24
child support no maintenance payments to
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my ex-wife and where was my lawyer she
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expressed her mistaken impression that
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being really smart was a requirement to
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be a judge and thanked me for correcting
16:36
her on that she suggested explaining
16:39
things to me so I could understand
16:42
sorry if it's still over your head but
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the lowest I can go is so a fifth grader
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can comprehend it do try to keep up i
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was genuinely concerned her bench was
16:52
going to catch fire from the flames she
16:54
was snorting i was starting to think she
16:56
actually didn't like me i'm in jail i
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i have no access to any money therefore
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I'm unable to send any money since it
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was your dumb self that put me there
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perhaps you can explain why you're the
17:11
reason the cheating woman can't get the
17:12
money she was trying to steal from me to
17:14
give to that fallen woman did you get
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all that or do I need to explain it to
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you slower i was then escorted back to
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my cell for another 90 days 30 from my
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original sentence 30 from her first
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outburst and another 30 I managed to
17:29
catch at the end honestly it wasn't that
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bad food sucked but I ate it nice bed
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lots of free time made good use of the
17:39
weights and exercise machines didn't
17:41
have many problems in there my courtroom
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antics became common knowledge made me a
17:46
few friends and Cheryl's family has
17:49
connections only one problem
17:52
wanda's less intelligent cousin decided
17:54
to get arrested for a minor offense to
17:56
teach me a lesson the entire jail knew
17:59
his intentions before he stepped foot
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inside he kept accidentally getting hit
18:04
by footballs and basketballs getting
18:06
elbowed before he even got to me when he
18:10
finally turned his back trying a sucker
18:12
punch I anticipated it spun around
18:15
delivered a forceful kick to his groin
18:18
clear 65 yd field goal he spent the rest
18:21
of his time in the infirmary the grand
18:24
finale michael's escape back in court
18:26
facing the judge again she asked if I
18:29
was ready to apologize for what i asked
18:33
your vile courtroom outburst she snapped
18:36
i really don't know what you're talking
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about I replied dismissively she warned
18:40
me to keep a civil tongue or extend my
18:44
another judge might take over your honor
18:46
I said you're on my last nerve should I
18:49
start stomping my feet you might need an
18:52
EMT in the courtroom if you have a
18:53
stroke i pointed out that there was no
18:56
child support maintenance mortgage or
18:58
utilities paid as ordered i explained I
19:01
couldn't pay anything while jailed
19:03
couldn't work emphasized that the kids
19:06
were not mine and that my ex-wife was a
19:08
cheat and should pay for her own life
19:11
maybe charge for it then her lawyer
19:14
pipes up complaining they couldn't take
19:16
possession of my client's part of the
19:19
mr neielsson sold his company to an
19:21
overseas entity about 2 months before
19:23
filing for divorce he whined they
19:25
couldn't determine the actual owners
19:28
suddenly an attractive woman approaches
19:31
she represented the board of directors
19:33
for the firm that purchased my business
19:35
she moved to dismiss the ruling giving
19:37
Mrs neielsson any part of a business
19:39
owned by her ex-husband
19:41
the purchase predated the divorce so it
19:44
had no bearing on the case they rejected
19:46
any claim of ownership by Mrs nielsen
19:50
someone asked about the money from the
19:52
sale the young woman explained that the
19:54
transfer of ownership and payments were
19:55
conducted overseas i'm not privy to that
19:58
information but my understanding is that
20:00
the money from the purchase never
20:02
entered US territory making it not
20:04
subject to US laws any claim on that
20:07
money needs addressing with your
20:08
ex-husband possibly in the country where
20:11
the money is located
20:13
wanda's lawyer asked "What country is
20:16
that?" "The original transfer of funds
20:18
was in Belgium," she replied "but my
20:21
understanding is that the money was
20:23
transferred somewhere else shortly after
20:25
the sale i have no idea where it was
20:27
transferred to." My ex's lawyer
20:30
desperate told the judge the house was
20:32
going into foreclosure mortgage unpaid
20:35
for 3 months utilities about to be cut
20:37
off wanda's parents had helped but it
20:40
was too much she'd found a waitressing
20:43
job but it wasn't enough the judge
20:46
turned to me "you have one week to bring
20:48
all the payments up to date." I
20:50
responded sarcastically bending over to
20:53
pull cash out of my crack which
20:55
unfortunately doesn't exist
20:57
i emphasized "I was in jail no access to
21:00
money couldn't work no money laying
21:03
around in my cell i didn't have a lawyer
21:06
i was financially broke and these
21:09
phantom accounts show me the account
21:11
info where's the money from checking
21:17
my company was in bad shape from
21:19
previous bad investments had to sell it
21:21
cheap no money left over i shrugged i
21:25
don't care if you believe me i
21:28
challenged them to show me where I
21:30
supposedly hid money suggesting my
21:32
ex-wife had stolen it while involved
21:34
with her boyfriends her lawyer objected
21:37
that accusation doesn't make sense I
21:39
retorted it makes as much sense as
21:42
keeping me in jail where I have no
21:43
access to money then demand that I make
21:45
all of these payments you all want she
21:48
asked if I was aware she could keep me
21:49
in jail until I paid i looked at her
21:52
like she'd just grown a third eye
21:55
sounds logical to keep me where I'm
21:57
unable to abide by your orders while
21:59
making demands that are simply
22:00
impossible for me to accomplish
22:03
3 months later the house was foreclosed
22:06
wanda lost her Lexus couldn't afford an
22:09
apartment for herself and the girls so
22:11
she moved in with her parents working 30
22:14
hours a week at the diner desperate they
22:17
pleaded with the judge to release me to
22:19
make payments lover boy out of the
22:22
hospital still in physical therapy
22:24
spending hours trying to fix his
22:26
finances couldn't open new credit cards
22:29
terrible credit minimal insurance
22:31
part-time at the gym high deductibles a
22:35
long process to pay off his medical
22:37
bills finally I secured legal
22:41
reached a deal with the judge for
22:42
release to secure employment and
22:46
had to surrender my passport due to
22:48
suspicions of hidden funds and flight
22:50
risk i started working at Taco Bell and
22:53
lived at the ranch with Howard and
22:55
Cheryl i was discreetly observed but
22:58
most of the cash was already in my
22:59
possession this routine lasted 3 months
23:03
wanda used a court order to garnish my
23:05
minimum wage from Taco Bell minimal
23:07
gains for her during this time I
23:11
finalized my plans with Howard my
23:13
apartment was emptied while I was in
23:15
jail belongings divided among my
23:17
extended family packages shipped from
23:20
them to a common location undetected by
23:24
guests discreetly moved packages to
23:26
their vehicles during visits and
23:28
barbecues over the next couple of weeks
23:30
i just worked or stayed home taco Bell
23:33
even got a restraining order against
23:35
Wanda for constantly harassing me at the
23:37
restaurant i even paid the manager
23:40
discreetly to keep my job for legal
23:41
meetings my lawyer visited the ranch for
23:44
our legal meetings initially she
23:46
represented the new owners of my former
23:48
company in court subsequently I hired
23:51
her as my lawyer she was a barracuda
23:55
bold especially during poolside
23:57
encounters ethical concerns about a
23:59
lawyer client relationship please
24:03
lawyers consider scruples a form of
24:05
payment in Russia with morals being
24:07
large paintings on walls so my finances
24:11
yes I sold my firm no not to myself i
24:15
wasn't giving Wanda any chance to claim
24:17
a piece of it i wanted the cash the sale
24:20
happened overseas and since the money
24:23
never entered the US it wasn't subject
24:25
to US law the only way Wanda could touch
24:27
it was if I brought it into a US bank
24:30
making it vulnerable to her claims due
24:32
to the judgments against me that wasn't
24:34
going to happen it was a significant sum
24:38
complemented by my investment accounts
24:40
in the $10 million range cash on hand
24:43
from the safety deposit box checking
24:45
savings and safes equaled around
24:50
some I used for my plans but I still had
24:52
about $150,000 on hand i wasn't planning
24:56
to take any cash with me the great
24:58
escape and a satisfying conclusion it
25:01
was a lovely Saturday afternoon another
25:04
barbecue with the extended family all
25:06
preparations complete the party was a
25:11
i was assisting Howard with the grill
25:12
and smoker julia my lawyer was there too
25:16
later in the afternoon one of Cheryl's
25:18
uncles approached me expressing
25:20
gratitude for helping Cheryl and Howard
25:22
glad we'd reconnected
25:24
he handed me an envelope i passed it to
25:27
Julia for safekeeping
25:29
later that evening I made an
25:31
announcement the lean holder for the
25:34
ranch had declared the mortgage for the
25:35
ranch paid off howard and Cheryl now
25:38
owned the ranch free and clear that
25:41
caused a huge celebration
25:44
we partied hard that night it was late
25:46
when guests started to leave julia
25:48
couldn't stay the night she had a flight
25:50
to catch the next morning her flight was
25:53
out of an airport in the next state
25:55
she'd packed previously everything in
25:57
her leased car she went straight to the
26:00
airport no one witnessed the man
26:02
climbing out of the back of her car in
26:03
the parking garage and no one noticed
26:06
the man casually walking 50 ft behind
26:08
her as they made their way to the
26:10
international terminal michael couldn't
26:12
travel outside the US because he had
26:14
surrendered his passport to the court
26:16
mitchell Nelson's passport never even
26:18
garnered a second look no one even gave
26:21
a second look as they held hands in
26:23
adjoining seats flying first class to
26:26
Mexico City julia Davis suddenly
26:28
disappeared there instead Jaime Nelson
26:31
joined Mitchell Nelson for their
26:33
connecting flight to Ecuador
26:35
2 days later Greg and Samantha Cooper
26:38
reached their hosianda on the Caribbean
26:40
coast of Costa Rica becoming members of
26:42
the Mile High Club oddly an old Chevy
26:45
pickup resembling the one that
26:47
disappeared from Howard and Cheryl's
26:48
ranch awaited them 2 weeks after the
26:50
barbecue a bench warrant was issued for
26:53
Michael he was fired 2 days after the
26:55
barbecue for no show no call with no
26:58
payments to his ex-wife when Howard and
27:01
Cheryl faced the court a lawyer in a
27:03
$5,000 skirt suit argued that the couple
27:06
had no responsibility towards their
27:08
cousin who rented a room and disappeared
27:11
they even filed a suit against him for
27:15
all they could say was that he drove off
27:17
in his old pickup one afternoon and
27:19
never returned no one believed them but
27:22
there was no proof to the contrary over
27:24
the next several years Greg Cooper ran a
27:26
small charter fishing boat and Samantha
27:28
managed their cantina
27:31
we were prosperous in this small village
27:33
living in one of the larger hosiendas
27:35
with several luxuries
27:37
guests visited occasionally including
27:39
Harold and Cheryl and other family
27:42
it's a simple yet delightful life for
27:44
Greg and Sam who love each other fully
27:47
most evenings we entertain guests in the
27:50
cantina or our lavish hienda wealthy and
27:53
pleasant to all we were quickly accepted
27:55
into the community whenever a need arose
27:58
we generously donated
28:00
greg plays the stock market when not on
28:02
his boat or in the cantina even setting
28:05
up accounts for some locals assisting
28:07
them with their finances as for the
28:09
dishonorable Judge Matthews
28:11
I had a good laugh a few years after
28:13
escaping to Costa Rica judge Matthews's
28:16
wife that man-hating woman was caught
28:19
cheating with a man the judge had
28:21
adopted her wife's three kids when they
28:23
married since their split Judge Matthews
28:26
paid child support maintenance and house
28:29
payments for her ex-wife
28:31
to add to the humiliation her ex-wife
28:33
swiftly moved her boyfriend in publicly
28:36
continuing their affair
28:38
although not officially married they
28:40
acted like a typical couple
28:43
rumors circulated about their wedding
28:45
date set exactly one week after their
28:48
youngest son graduated from college
28:50
coinciding with the end of Judge
28:52
Matthews's financial obligations and
28:54
that my friends is how you deal with
28:58
sometimes you just got to blow it all up
29:01
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