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What Dating Was Like In the Victorian Era
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Mar 31, 2025
Dating in the Victorian era in America and in Britain meant navigating through a fog of modesty, prudence, ritual, corsets, top hats, calling cards, and your inner voice feverishly whispering etiquette book platitudes: "There is no propriety in voluntarily prolonging your ride, with a young gentleman, till after dark!" "Nothing can take the place of true genuine manhood!"
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Dating in the Victorian era meant navigating a maze of modesty and prudence
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Luckily, there was no shortage of etiquette books to advise men on how to be manly gentlemen
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women on how to be proper ladies, and everyone on how to behave during courtship rituals
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Deciphering the often bewildering social codes could be exhausting, but if you wanted to be a Victorian player, you had to know all this stuff
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Today, we're going to take a look at what you had to do to hook up in the Victorian era
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At first glance, this nugget of wisdom from 1883's The Marriage Guide for Young Men, A Manual of Courtship in Marriage
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seems painfully obvious. But making love didn't mean the same thing to the Victorians
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as it does to us. This isn't the 80s euphemism for having sex
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Victorians would understand it to refer to a chaste courtship or process of wooing
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This advice is really just saying, don't flirt with every lady you meet
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That's why it appears in the guide under the heading, Do not carry your politeness too far
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Men were further advised not to assume that every young woman is eager to fall in love with them
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which honestly is still pretty decent dating advice. Instead, gentlemen are instructed to maintain a dignified reserve
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Failure to do so risks belittling yourself in the eyes of sensible people
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and hurting your chances at the match you actually desire. In other words, if you want to get the girl, don't chase every woman you meet
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Men often love to shower a desirable woman with gifts, but how should the woman behave
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Well, according to 1837's etiquette guide, The Young Lady's Friend, make it a general rule never to accept a present from a gentleman
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While that might strike some as a bit harsh, the guide felt it was necessary
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It warned that one gift will lead to another and encourage men to offer their hearts to you
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It also felt a firm policy of refusal would avoid hurting anyone's feelings and save a lady from all further perplexity
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Anonymous gifts are no exception. Ladies are encouraged to put them by out of sight and never to mention them
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1860s, the Handbook of Etiquette advises engaged men to show their fiancés constant attention
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and never flirt with another lady, whether his bride-to-be was around or not
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This advice seems to hold up pretty well, but of course, there's a Victorian twist
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The Handbook also warns men to avoid even with their fianc those marked attentions and endearments that would excite in strangers a smile of ridicule In other words no PDA
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While this may seem a bit of a bummer, the handbook didn't expect people to behave like robots, either
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Engaged lovers may exchange portraits, presents, and locks of hair. No kissing, but feel free to exchange hair
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OK. While professional or official visits were OK, ladies were never supposed to call on gentlemen romantically
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This much is made crystal clear in 1882's Decorum, a practical treatise on etiquette and dress
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of the best American society, which states it is not only ill-bred, but positively
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improper to do so. Men had a lot more freedom in this department
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How much more? Well, the same book says gentlemen are permitted to call on married ladies
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at their own houses. That being said, there were still some rules the guys had to observe
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For example, a man was never supposed to call on a married woman without the full knowledge and permission of her husband
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Makes sense. After all, if you're going to hit on a man's wife, you should at least let him sign off on it
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Nowadays, they say chivalry is dead. But apparently, it was still alive and well in the Victorian era
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Or at least, Beatles' Dime Book of Practical Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen, published in 1859, thought it was
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When it came to dealing with verbal attacks, the book expected a gentleman to be prepared to defend his lady
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In cases where the lady is the one who started the trouble, a gentleman should be prepared to mediate or even beg for pardon on her behalf
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Oof, that's a tough situation to navigate, and the book warns to not side too much with the other party
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else you will show yourself in acting thus as ill-bred as he
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Surely, if you can dance with a woman, you can speak to her, right
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According to 1893's Rules of Etiquette in Home Culture, or What to Do and How to Do It, the answer is a big nope
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Actually, this rule governs the incredibly specific situation of a man and woman being introduced for the first time
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at a ball for the purpose of dancing. It basically states that if you've never spoken to each other
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before the dance, it's rude to do so during or after. So when can you speak to your dancing partner
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Only after the hostess has made an official introduction. Until that happens, the only way the couple can properly
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acknowledge each other is by lifting their hats in passing A lifted hat
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1896's The Complete Bachelor, Manners for Men, advises gentlemen to, reverence woman wherever you find her
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It will confirm in you the habits of a gentleman and may be the means of winning you
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a genuine matrimonial prize. Now that's nice. And who doesn't like to be thought of as a prize
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Anyway, this particular guide advises a man to become his lady's champion by always carrying
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her bag and helping her get in and out of trains. The book places great emphasis on those niceties, noting that travel brings out both the good
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and evil attributes of a man, and his behavior is on its metal under these circumstances
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In other words, if you really want to get to know him, take a trip with him. No gentleman should permit a lady, whom he likes but does not love
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to mistake for one hour the nature and object of his intentions, says the illustrated manners book, A Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments
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published in 1855. Women are allowed coquetry, but such behavior was frowned upon in men
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because it was perceived to be, well, womanly. As the book states, to allow an innocent girl to deceive herself, or, as is more commonly the case
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to be deceived by the conversation of her companions, into the idea that you are her lover, is ungentlemanly
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See, you can't always trust your friends. If the man allows this, he's warned that such ungentlemanly behavior might have one of two consequences
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First, he might wind up feeling compelled to marry the woman out of guilt that he got her hopes up
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On the other hand, he might be disgraced, possibly whipped, or shot
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That's a steep price to pay for male coquetry. One bit of etiquette advice that could be found in almost all of these books
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is that when walking with a lady, a gentleman always gives her the half of the sidewalk that's further from the road
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The idea is to protect her from being exposed to the unpleasantries of the street
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like being splashed by puddles or hit by a runaway carriage and things like that
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It's a classy move, and some men still observe it in the 21st century, even though we have a lot less runaway carriages
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The famous etiquette writer Emily Post actually added a brief addendum to this advice in 1922
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She clarified that if he's lucky enough to be walking with two ladies at once
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a gentleman takes the curbside of the pavement. He should never sandwich himself between them
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Hold the mail. The Ladies and Gentlemen Etiquette a complete manual of the manners and dress of American society was published in the book of The Ladies and Gentlemen Etiquette a complete manual of the manners and dress of American society was published in 1877
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It warns that trying to make your significant other jealous is contemptible
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and if the affections of the other are permanently lost by it, the offending party is only gaining his or her just desserts
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In other words, if you toy with your lover's affections, you'll likely get what's coming to you
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It's advice that's at sound now as it was then. In fact, the book's entire section of lover's quarrels
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was quite the barn burner. It says that no man should assume a domineering attitude
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over his future wife. And if he does, she should get out of there before the wedding
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A domineering lover will be certain to be more domineering as a husband, the book warns
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Interestingly, it also says neither should there be provocation to little quarrels
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for the foolish delight of reconciliation. Victorian translation, don't start fights just for the makeup sex
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1880's R. Deportment, or The Manners, Conduct, and Dress of the Most Refined Society, warns men
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against trifling with a lady, which it considers most unfair. The book firmly states that a man
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has no right to trifle with a woman's feelings for mere sport, nor has he a right to hide his
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own meaning under the guise of jest. Similarly, women are advised to take care not to give suitors
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false hope and to leave them restless and unsettled. Interestingly, the book frames such trifling behavior
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as affecting the sexes in very different ways. Women, it says, will likely have their feelings hurt
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Men, on the other hand, are likely to act out. According to the guide, having his feelings hurt
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may cause a man to express himself or to shape his conduct in such a manner
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as he would not dream of doing were his suit utterly hopeless. Seems fair
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The Great Secret, How to Elicit Love, is a section in Orson Squire Fowler's Creative and Sexual
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Sciences, published in 1870. In this particular chapter, Fowler advises men, you inspire in the
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one you court the precise feelings and traits you yourself experience. To Fowler, this means that a
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gentleman suitor's success must come from within, not from the one courted. Fowler was so confident
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in this principle that he described it as being as sure as gravity itself. Far less scientific in
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the next chapter of the book, Fowler claims that God created women to meet the needs of men
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and the man should think the woman is the most perfect and best for them obtainable
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It may not meet our current sensibilities, but not too shabby, Victorian age
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