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The Sheriff's Tale
Jul 9, 2024
A modern adaptation of The Reeve's Tale from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. To see The Sheriff’s Tale on my site, go to https://www.poemsforfree.com/tsheriff.html . For more videos from The Cruise to Nowhere Tales, go to https://www.poemsforfree.com/cruise.html .
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The Sheriff's Tale
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A modern adaptation of the Reeves' Tale from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. The Sheriff's Prologue
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All laughed at this ridiculous tale just told, except the sheriff, separate from the fold, who still stood at the bar nursing his drink
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I don't give two horseshits what you think, he blurted out, obviously quite drunk
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What we've heard is just a lot of bunk. None of you know life beyond the veil of decency
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which is itself a tale we tell ourselves to make it through the day
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But now I'll tell a tale about the way life is lived here in America
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of the moose and his angelica, and a moment of epiphany that ought to turn to ice
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the energy the new age idiots babble on about. This will shut them up, I have no doubt
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Now just hold on, the bartender complained, the point of this is to be entertained
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Tales ought give us truth admixed with play, so we have art instead of every day
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Well, here's my truth, the sheriff growled, the kind that leaves not one sweet bit of balm behind
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The baker said, through tales we can know well another's truth. So welcome to my hell
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It's what life is like in our time, as Christianity gives way to crime
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and drugs become the quintessential good investors can make profits on. I would not want you to go on with shuttered eyes
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so here's the truth I live with no disguise. The Sheriff's Tale
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Once there was a dealer in hard drugs who used to kill his enemies with hugs
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He'd snap your backbone like a walking stick, or merely crush your ribs and make you sick
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They called him in the neighborhood the Moose because he was as big as a caboose
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six foot six, three hundred and fifty pounds, all muscle, and his avarice knew no bounds
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He'd always shortchange customers on weight, and many who complained soon met their fate within the jaws of death
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that were his arms. Among his many other well-known charms was his jealousy about his wife
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the one soft spot in his granitic life, whom like a vicious dog he would protect
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warning away all who would inspect her opulent treasures, openly displayed, so all would know where he alone could wade
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She loved him too, her mountain of a man, and often passioned strongly in her ran
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but she knew well how well to stoke his fire, and then as well to satisfy desire
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So these two would several times a day be added like two pigeons hard at play
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This moose's wife was named Angelica, an angel to him, and in character he was a god to her
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a strong and wise colossus that bestowed her paradise. One day a dealer that the moose supplied
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sent two couriers to go inside the moose's house to watch him weigh the stuff
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and make sure that for once they got enough. For everyone knew well the moose would weigh his finger
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with the stash they had to pay for by the ounce. So these two men intended to see that they received what moose contended
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Al and John they were, two tough young birds. When they came, the moose and they had words
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they insisting that they had to stay while moose their many purchases would weigh
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the moose insisting he had naught to hide, eventually allowing them inside
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As he weighed, moose bragged about his wife, how she was the story of his life
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how hot she was, and what she oft would do to pleasure him
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But these young toughs well knew the strategy to make them look at her when she came in
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at which time moose could err a bit here and a bit there in his favor
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while they his wife's sweet hanging fruit would savor, looking where their real concern was not
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Among the stories told to make them hot, moose described each afternoon's delight
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Angelica in scanty top bedight would lean upon the windowsill upstairs, while moose behind would take her unawares
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while she stared at the parking lot below, face expressionless, that none would know the glory that was going on behind
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as moose thrust in and then began to grind. I'll tell you boys that wife of mine's a treasure, moose said
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There's none on earth like her for pleasure. But when she entered, dressed in very little
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just briefs and halter, naked round the middle, Al and John just stared at moose's scale
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as though they were both hammering a nail right into the center
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So the moose stopped weighing weed and told them to hang loose for just a moment while he made a call
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then left the room, leaving them with all the millions in illegal drugs unguarded
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Al and John exchanged a look, then started to take a little here, a little there
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while Angelica resumed her stare out the kitchen window at the back
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then asked them whether they came in the black Lamborghini that was parked outside
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Why, yes, they said. We took it for a ride. Our boss, the butcher, told us to impress
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any chick we might want to undress. We'll take another look, she said
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It's gone. And in a New York minute, Al and John were racing out the door
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to see their car spinning left out to the boulevard. Shit, they said, our ass is grass
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and ran to get a cab quick, and the mean streets scanned
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while moose weighed out their purchases as he saw fit. That is, not quite religiously
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When the boys returned, they said they'd found the Lamborghini in a marsh, half-crowned
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and had their boss's tow truck pull it out. Sorry, boys, moose said
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Without a doubt you shouldn't park a car like that out here
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These teenagers weren't wild, without fear. They'd shoot you in the head just for your shirt
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So on your way out, be on the alert. Moose laughed as Al and John went out the door
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no two ever wanting vengeance more. The very next day, the butcher had a plan
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and sent Al and John back in a van which they parked beneath the second floor window in the afternoon
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They saw the moose come over to investigate and shot him with a tranquilizer straight into his chest
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enough to stun a bull. And while he was staggering, they pulled him into the van and chained him to the wall, hands and feet
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so he couldn't move at all, then stuffed his mouth with rags and covered his eyes
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to keep him still and suffocate his cries. When he came to, he pulled with all his might
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against the chains that held his body tight against the van wall
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reinforced with steel. But unlike Samson, no guard would reveal himself to him
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to add faith to his strength. So even Moose was forced to yield at length
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and hang like meat defeated from the wall, while Al told him in vivid detail all that was to follow
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so that he might suffer the full torment that this hell had to offer
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And when Al made the horror of it clear, he slashed the moose's throat from ear to ear
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Next, John slipped inside the unlocked door and quietly tiptoed to the second floor
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where Angelica was in the shower, preparing for the still-appointed hour when Moose would take her from behind
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while she stared out upon the world expressionlessly. At last she came out in a scanty top
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as John peeked out a closet door, then propped herself against the sill
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a lively face emerging as the sign all was in place. Al tried to pull the moose out of the van
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struggling with the weight of that huge man. He tugged and pushed and tugged with all his might
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Even dead, the moose put up a fight, afraid he'd be too late
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while John above entered the sweet precincts of his dove, feeling her wet passion as she came against him
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muttering the moose's name, by which time Al had got the moose around far enough
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to dump him on the ground. Moose lay on his back, his glassy eyes staring vacant straight up at his wife's
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who, looking down, could not at first take in the fullness of the truth unraveling around her
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Then she met her husband's stare and screamed a scream no one should ever hear
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Yet here it's still we do, day after day, as life goes on in the old modern way
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in this the century we call 21. Here I rest my case, my tale's done
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