0:00
So, let me give you an example of what
0:01
this might look like. Uh, let's say a
0:03
toddler is crying and they reach for
0:05
comfort from the caregiver, but then the
0:07
parent responds with anger or withdrawal
0:09
or worse, smacks them. The child then
0:12
learns like, "My feelings are dangerous.
0:15
I don't know what to expect." And over
0:17
time, this creates this fractured sense
0:20
of self and others. Trust is very
0:23
difficult to manage or understand. And
0:26
so we we talked about the fact that EMDR
0:29
therapy can help to address the early
0:31
attachment wounds and other sematic
0:33
therapies like sensory motor or sematic
0:36
experiencing especially when combined
0:38
with EMDR therapy are really the the
0:40
gold standard for helping us to
0:43
reprocess those early experiences which
0:45
can allow adults to build safety and
0:47
coherence in their relationships. But
0:50
without a lot of work this attachment
0:52
style doesn't resolve on its own. It's
0:54
it's a very hard attachment style to
0:56
overcome um because of what we talked
0:58
about just the levels of trust are just
1:00
not there in the nervous system and it's
1:02
just so much to tolerate for a person
1:04
who deals with this. And just so you
1:06
know, if they are aware of it, they know
1:09
it and they feel a lot of shame about
1:10
it. They don't want to be this way, but
1:12
they don't know how to trust and they
1:14
don't know how to be in their bodies
1:15
with a more consistent reliance on the
1:18
fact that others could potentially show
1:20
up for them. And so it's it's very
1:22
painful for someone with this attachment
1:24
style specifically, not just for you who
1:27
cares about them, but for them to be
1:29
stuck and trapped in these patterns. For
1:31
them, it looks like confusion,
1:34
intensity, and fear. And so they then
1:37
respond or react to those fears uh and
1:40
their confusion by that pushpull, you
1:43
know, wanting the closeness and then
1:45
suddenly needing space and pushing away.
1:47
And so that's very confusing, not just
1:49
for them, but for someone that they care
1:50
about or for the person that they care
1:52
about. And it can look like this
1:54
emotional volatility or this there's
1:56
this intense reaction uh to perceived
1:59
rejection or perceived abandonment when
2:02
in fact that's not happening, but their
2:03
body doesn't know the difference. And so
2:05
they are off to the races with these
2:07
triggers and they they really do believe
2:09
it's true. And so that can be really
2:11
hard. Uh there's a tremendous fear of
2:13
intimacy. uh feeling very exposed or
2:16
unsure when there's an emotional
2:18
closeness. And so one of the default uh
2:21
protection patterns would be to sabotage
2:23
that connection. You know, pick fights,
2:25
withdrawing, blaming, you know, things
2:28
like I just can't be in this
2:29
relationship. We just have to be
2:30
different because of whatever their fear
2:32
is that's coming up. And then when they
2:34
don't have a choice or when their bodies
2:36
are going too fast, dissociation or
2:38
shutting down will be another default
2:40
mode of a mode of someone with
2:43
disorganized attachment. And oftentimes
2:45
numbing out during emotional moments,
2:48
whether they mean to or not, will
2:50
happen. So, for example, someone with a
2:52
disorganized attachment might feel
2:54
deeply vulnerable in a moment, like
2:56
sharing a fear, but then suddenly
2:59
feeling exposed and unsafe and then
3:01
withdrawing and saying, "Never mind, I'm
3:03
good." Um, and then it looks like cold.
3:06
It looks like distant or even worse,
3:08
sometimes they might start a conflict to
3:11
create distance because if the conflict
3:13
happens, the person is kind of taken by
3:15
surprise and then all of a sudden
3:16
they'll move away as well. the person
3:18
that was in the um in the moment. And so
3:21
it it uh subconsciously creates distance
3:24
because the connection is too scary. Um,
3:26
another example that might show up for
3:29
someone in a disorganized attachment
3:30
strategy would be like during an
3:33
argument, uh, they might kind of swing
3:36
from pleading for that reassurance and,
3:39
uh, and needing it and then all of a
3:41
sudden lashing out in anger. And it
3:42
seems out of nowhere, out of nowhere,
