0:08
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:11
adaptable Behavior explained hello there
0:15
thank you so much for tuning in today
0:17
I'm really excited to talk about an
0:19
important conversation that I see in my
0:22
practice with my clients over and over
0:25
and that topic is people pleasing and
0:27
I'm so grateful to have my friend and
0:29
colleague Dr Michaela Warner who is a
0:31
naturopathic doctor and we are fortunate
0:34
enough to have her here as part of our
0:36
team with infinite healing and wellness
0:39
and so today we're going to talk about
0:41
that topic and how it affects our health
0:44
and overall Wellness relationships and a
0:46
whole lot more so thank you for tuning
0:48
in Michaela tell us a little bit about
0:51
yourself and why this topic is so near
0:54
and dear to your heart yeah so I'm Dr
0:56
Michaela wner I'm a licensed
0:59
naturopathic doctor here in
1:00
Arizona um my focus and passion has
1:04
always been in the realm of mental
1:06
health and especially in regards to um
1:10
utilizing homeopathic medicine and it is
1:13
so passionate for me based on my own
1:15
healing Journey so earlier in life due
1:19
to a series of traumatic events I um
1:23
ended up struggling with severe chronic
1:25
anxiety daily panic attacks depression
1:30
the whole shebang um can you tell us a
1:32
little bit just I mean not digging in
1:34
deeply to the details it's your story to
1:37
tell but just so people understand like
1:39
what would be traumatic events that
1:41
would contribute to severe anxiety a few
1:44
of them if you don't mind absolutely
1:45
yeah so um my parents were um addicted
1:48
to drugs so there was a lot of neglect
1:52
childhood um so I kind of had like a
1:55
rough start there my mom eventually
1:57
overdosed when I was 5 years old
2:00
um you know ended up living with my
2:02
grandma cuz my dad had been in and out
2:04
of jail um and then the kind of the
2:07
straw that um what's it saying the straw
2:10
that broke the camels back ended up
2:12
being my house uh caught on fire when I
2:14
was 12 years old gosh um and it sent me
2:17
into like this complete like nervous
2:20
breakdown of sorts so I struggled with
2:23
immense daily anxiety daily panic
2:26
attacks depression suicidality just I
2:30
was a hot mess for a long time I imagine
2:32
waiting for the other shoe to drop
2:34
became a lifestyle and an identity
2:36
because it had for you so many times
2:38
yeah wow that's not nothing yeah thank
2:41
you for sharing that yeah of course of
2:42
course it's my passion I got to let
2:44
people know um so you know I was raised
2:48
in a very small town in Michigan not a
2:50
whole lot of resources there in regards
2:52
to therapy um but I saw numerous
2:55
psychiatric providers um who basically
2:58
prescribed me you know medication after
3:00
medication and unfortunately fell into
3:04
like the snowball effect of poly
3:05
Pharmacy so like they would prescribe
3:07
one medication which would create a
3:09
symptom or a side effect to which
3:11
another medication would be added on and
3:15
I think at my worst I think it was like
3:16
12 13 years old and on 14 heavy duty
3:20
psychiatric medication they just trying
3:22
to numb you out oh my gosh it made me
3:25
feel so much worse than even without the
3:27
meds to begin with um um in hindsight I
3:31
most definitely was overdiagnosed
3:33
misdiagnosed and very much overmedicated
3:37
so so there go your passion for
3:40
naturopathic medicine and trying to dig
3:42
at a more holistic approach to Healing
3:45
yes yes that was that became like how I
3:48
realized that conventional medical
3:51
necessarily help one to truly heal
3:55
necessarily um it definitely has its
3:57
place not arguing with with that by any
4:00
means but it definitely I've always
4:03
wanted to be a doctor ever since I was
4:04
little and that definitely steered the
4:06
course to looking for other options and
4:08
other avenues makes sense so so tell us
4:11
about how you conceptualize your cases
4:13
given your history you know what when
4:16
you see a a patient what how do you
4:20
organize and conceptualize their
4:22
treatment yeah so when I see a patient
4:24
for the first time our first um
4:26
appointment is two hours long we go
4:29
through literally everything and
4:31
anything that they're experiencing so
4:32
any and every mental emotional symptom
4:35
as well as any physical symptoms that
4:37
experiencing um we are really taught to
4:40
address the body as a whole so one of
4:42
our philosophies in naturopathic
4:43
medicine is to Totum so treat the body
4:46
as a whole instead of you know just
4:48
focusing on this one issue or this other
4:51
other issue we're looking at the whole
4:53
picture so to speak to really get a
4:55
whole case of what's actually going on
4:58
um and based on my own experiences from
5:01
seeing other psychiatric providers it
5:03
was almost like I felt like I was just a
5:06
number so to speak they didn't really I
5:08
felt like I wasn't really heard or
5:10
listened to because and honestly like
5:12
there's only so much that can be done in
5:14
10 15 minutes with a patient you know
5:16
you really can't get a whole history of
5:18
what's actually happening there that
5:20
makes sense um so that really steered
5:22
the course where I was just looking for
5:24
other avenues to explore and ended up
5:28
discovering the field of naturopathic
5:30
medicine saw a naturopathic doctor
5:32
myself who also had specialized in a
5:35
modality of medicine called Homeopathy
5:37
homeopathic medicine and he had
5:40
prescribed the right remedy for me for
5:42
at the time was silica and I kid you not
5:45
it was like I could feel the Sunshine on
5:47
my face for the first time again wow
5:49
completely changed my life that's so uh
5:53
empowering and rewarding and talk about
5:55
emotion accelerating something that
5:57
we're learning it taught you this this
5:59
is the real deal for for you it was like
6:02
this is the answer this is what I've
6:03
been looking for my entire life so so
6:06
related to our stories and our
6:09
adaptations which this show is about
6:11
adapt it's adaptable for a reason we are
6:13
adaptable we take what we learn we apply
6:15
those things sometimes healthy sometimes
6:17
not so healthy and kind of bringing it
6:20
back to the concept of people pleasing
6:22
tell me a little bit about how you see
6:24
people pleasing and what kind of
6:26
patience do you see with that presenting
6:28
issue um so the majority of patients
6:31
that I see that have these people
6:32
pleasing tendency tend to be women and
6:36
um you know statistically
6:38
78% of those who have autoimmune
6:41
illnesses or chronic illnesses happen to
6:44
be be women so um I really think it's a
6:48
huge factor in terms of you know an
6:52
obstacle to cure is what we would call
6:53
it in terms of health so people pleasing
6:56
identifying that working on that is so
6:59
essential in order to help the body heal
7:02
So when you say that in people pleasing
7:05
in a direct correlation to to illness
7:08
and an exacerbation of autoimmune
7:10
illness which I see anecdotally as a
7:12
therapist a trauma specialist as well
7:14
you know I see the correlation between
7:16
high ases scores and autoimmune issues
7:19
and the exacerbation of autoimmune
7:21
symptomology yeah with direct
7:24
correlation to stress in life and so
7:26
when we have a period where things are
7:28
settling down all of a sudden my limes
7:30
is kind of calm and I'm not in a flare
7:32
up but then I have this thing happen and
7:35
when this thing happens like uh you know
7:39
uh my husband loses his job or my child
7:41
brings home a bad grade or somebody has
7:43
a fight at school all of a sudden I
7:45
handle that I address that and then oh
7:48
lo and behold I'm in bed for 3 days with
7:50
my flare up and so my body is telling me
7:53
what how would you see that yeah so
7:56
honestly like when we are in the state
7:58
of people pleasing we're basically
8:00
sacrificing our own needs to take care
8:02
of the needs of others and I truly
8:05
believe that um the body speaks to us so
8:10
if we are not honoring the emotions or
8:12
not listening to our body it's going to
8:15
present itself in whatever way it is
8:17
whether it be like a flare up of
8:19
fibromyalgia flare up of lime or let's
8:22
say you get sick it's literally my
8:25
perspective My Philosophy it's the body
8:27
telling us slow down you need to listen
8:30
to us so when we're constantly working
8:33
on satisfying the needs of all those
8:34
around us we're sacrificing our own
8:37
needs we're at the back of the line
8:38
exactly exactly so then you know
8:41
especially in people pleasing it also
8:44
Keeps Us in this state of like fight ORF
8:46
flight so to speak so when we are in
8:49
fight or flight it's really healthy to
8:52
stay in that state for short periods of
8:54
time it can be really helpful like if a
8:56
lion is chasing us or something like
8:59
but when we are in that fight ORF flight
9:01
modality or um system and it's going on
9:05
for long periods of time it just wrecks
9:07
havoc on our nervous system and then
9:10
everything else and then everything else
9:12
follows suit so if your nervous system
9:14
goes out of whack the immune system goes
9:15
out of whack our hormones go out of
9:17
whack our thyroid and so it's like our
9:20
body just goes in a Haywire because of
9:22
that so from a counseling perspective
9:25
why do you think people people please
9:28
from a survival strategy I think it's a
9:30
way to create illusion of control in an
9:33
otherwise powerless environment so if I
9:36
have a lot of Chaos in my world and I'm
9:38
a little kid and I try to start sizing
9:41
up what's happening around me and I can
9:44
make things better I can make sure you
9:47
know my shoes are put away and I can
9:48
make sure my homework's done and I can
9:50
make sure that mommy's okay and I can
9:52
make sure that I'm really quiet when
9:53
Daddy comes home cuz he gets angry if
9:55
I'm not and I do all of these things in
9:57
an attempt to control my environment I
10:00
say attempt on purpose cuz we really
10:02
don't have any control over our
10:03
environment it becomes a habituated
10:06
pattern of response to inorganically try
10:09
to control our environment and pleasing
10:12
becomes a habit and so what population
10:16
do you see this with the most um
10:18
definitely women why do you think that
10:19
is sure I think society places a lot of
10:22
pressure on women especially to be
10:24
caretakers caretaking everybody else
10:27
whether it be family you know your
10:30
whether it be your parents or your
10:32
children your husband your partner um
10:36
you know I think we they have a lot of
10:38
pressure on us to take care of everybody
10:40
else but ourselves and so a lot of times
10:43
we end up succumbing to that pressure
10:45
and um kind of putting ourselves on the
10:48
back burner so to speak so when it comes
10:51
to these adaptable responses of people
10:54
pleasing how do you how do you see it
10:56
happening for others maybe even how did
10:59
how do you how do you understand that it
11:01
started for you um so in my personal
11:04
case in particular so my parents were
11:07
addicts um a lot of time I grew up I
11:10
think from like from a very young age
11:12
from like 2 to six years old or so um
11:15
and my parents would often you know go
11:17
in the bedroom and do drugs and so I was
11:20
left alone for long periods of time and
11:23
although now I understand they were
11:25
trying to protect me from seeing them in
11:27
that state it created this belief that I
11:29
wasn't wanted or that I wasn't good
11:32
enough so to speak so I carried that
11:35
belief with me and I always tell people
11:37
it's like we create these beliefs at a
11:39
young age and it becomes the lens
11:41
through which we see the world so in my
11:44
case I had this belief that I wasn't
11:46
good enough I wasn't wanted as soon as
11:48
people would see me they would leave me
11:50
this fear of Abandonment right and I
11:52
would see that in my career in my
11:55
relationships literally my whole it was
11:58
a lens through which I viewed the world
12:00
really compromised your sense of trust
12:03
that it was safe to be vulnerable in the
12:05
world 100% And so it creates this need
12:08
to be just right all the time yes oh and
12:11
perfectionism is a mass massive shame
12:14
shield and it is so exhausting and it's
12:16
like 20 tons of armor to carry around a
12:19
perfectionism shame Shield absolutely
12:22
for sure absolutely so tell us about how
12:24
Homeopathy helped you to put that down
12:27
um and how how does that work yeah so I
12:30
always tell people like I feel like the
12:31
first um Homeopathy really helped to
12:34
spark that first layer of my healing
12:36
Journey so when I was placed on the
12:38
right remedy for me it was like I think
12:43
I said before it was like I could feel
12:44
the Sunshine on my face for the first
12:46
time again I don't think I truly
12:48
understood how nervous I always was or
12:51
how anxious I always was until I wasn't
12:54
anymore because that had been my my like
12:57
sense of normal for my entire entire
12:59
life and um it really helped me to
13:03
become a more empowered version of
13:05
myself when I was placed on the right
13:07
remedy for me it was like I was able
13:11
to um I guess cultivate a more sense of
13:16
safety and so I was able to establish
13:18
boundaries with others I personally I
13:21
had a series of toxic abusive
13:23
relationships that I would you know
13:25
perpetuate it's like the same person
13:27
just in a different body reenacting that
13:30
unresolved childhood trauma somebody
13:32
that was familiar to you like one or
13:34
both of your parents exactly exactly
13:36
along with like the fear of Abandonment
13:38
cuz like I'll do anything to keep them
13:40
around like please don't leave that was
13:42
kind of like my inner child trying to
13:44
cultivate subconsciously a sense of
13:46
safety although I didn't consciously
13:48
know it at the time course of course so
13:51
when I was placed on the right remedy
13:52
for me over time I started establishing
13:55
more boundaries for myself um and truly
13:58
believe believe it's how I was able to
14:00
let go of the toxic abusive relationship
14:02
that I was in um and that was oh it was
14:06
the most empowering I I can't even
14:09
express it into words how empowering
14:14
to consciously leave that relationship
14:17
because of that fear of Abandonment was
14:18
still present but then to leave that
14:21
relationship and to be like oh I'm okay
14:25
now oh my gosh I'm like I felt so so
14:30
empowered so for for a toxic
14:33
relationship it probably is a lot more
14:36
obvious as far as like the negative
14:39
consequence consequences that it had for
14:42
you and being in one of those
14:43
relationships but for those of us with
14:46
maybe more for those of us with less
14:49
obvious damaging habits but while still
14:52
people pleasing to an overfunctioning
14:55
extreme what are some of the warnings or
14:58
conse quences we might want to share
15:00
with our uh listeners about what happens
15:02
in our systems when we start to learn
15:05
how to set boundaries and to say no when
15:07
we mean no and only yes when we mean it
15:10
right and we stop making other people's
15:13
needs more important than our own what
15:15
does that what can that look like in in
15:18
relationships um so in terms of like
15:20
setting boundaries and I feel like
15:23
there's often this misconception of you
15:26
know it's important to set boundaries
15:29
with um maybe like in friendships or
15:32
maybe like your employer so to speak but
15:34
like boundaries are super healthy and
15:36
any and every relationship that you have
15:39
um and that wasn't something that I
15:40
found out until later on where I finally
15:44
was able to cultivate a sense of safety
15:48
Homeopathy um where I could say no I I
15:52
don't have the emotional capacity for
15:54
that and really that helped to honor my
15:59
and prioritize what's going to be okay
16:00
for you and not okay for you as opposed
16:02
to just with that survival strategy yes
16:05
so I totally am a ma major believer in
16:09
Homeopathy as well and uh in conjunction
16:12
with EMDR therapy it's like it's it's
16:14
money it's so awesome and I personally
16:17
struggled with Hashimoto from just a lot
16:20
of uh you know chronic stress in my life
16:23
and my relationships and things like
16:24
that and an allergist actually
16:27
discovered it I didn't really know what
16:29
was going on and he said did you know
16:31
and I said I did not know and so uh and
16:34
that's medically not technically able to
16:36
be cured yet when I had a Homeopathy
16:39
doctor my naturopathic doctor in
16:41
conjunction with my EMDR therapy I don't
16:44
actually the blood work doesn't show
16:45
that I have Hashimoto anymore my thyroid
16:47
is still shot and I have to take a
16:49
supplement to help because there was too
16:50
much damage but it's not the autoimmune
16:53
right and so it's so amazing so can you
16:56
tell us a little bit about how you
16:57
understand Homeopathy to work with EMDR
17:00
therapy yeah Homeopathy is amazing with
17:02
EMDR therapy I utilize it myself so um I
17:06
always tell people it was like
17:08
discovering Homeopathy took me to one
17:09
layer of my healing journey and then
17:11
when I discovered EMDR therapy it took
17:13
it to a whole another level and so even
17:16
to this day I utilize both it can be so
17:21
transformative and really helps to ease
17:24
I want to say like ease the process of
17:28
because a lot of times if we just jump
17:31
into EMDR therapy it can be kind of
17:33
traumatic at times you're you're
17:35
literally like going through old trauma
17:38
stuff that maybe you've spent years and
17:40
years ignoring repressing not looking at
17:44
right and that in itself can be
17:46
incredibly um uncomfortable and so when
17:50
somebody's established on the right
17:51
homeopathic remedy for them it helps to
17:54
equilibri their nervous system so
17:59
maintain that sense of safety even
18:02
though they might be bringing up old
18:04
stuff that they're not used to looking
18:06
at or that might be more debilitating so
18:09
to speak so tell me if I'm if I'm
18:11
understanding this right because I refer
18:13
a lot of clients to uh to a naturopathic
18:16
doctor and to you for for Homeopathy
18:19
specifically yeah when I am seeing a
18:22
little bit of stuckness so what it seems
18:25
like when I am on a remedy and when I'm
18:27
working on something it and and I I'm
18:30
you're going to say it much better but
18:31
what it seems like to me for the lay
18:33
person who's listening is it's almost
18:35
like internally creating a bit of an
18:38
irritant or something and that irritant
18:41
draws attention to the area where
18:43
something needed like a release yes
18:45
exactly and I don't know I don't really
18:47
get it but the way I describe it to
18:49
clients is you know when we have a
18:50
Planter's wart or a wart we're not
18:53
actually burning it off we're just
18:55
drawing attention to that area so that
18:58
our body knows how to come and fight
19:00
like there's there's something going on
19:01
here and the cells you know our white
19:03
blood cells come to fight the the the
19:05
wart or whatever so we're not burning it
19:08
off we are drawing attention to there's
19:10
something going on here is that how
19:12
Homeopathy is working and why that's
19:14
what it's like for me when I'm on a
19:15
remedy I'm like something's like it's
19:18
like loosening something up and then I
19:20
go and I have all this affect of access
19:22
when I see my therapist for MDR and I'm
19:24
like okay fine it's F it's there now I
19:26
know what it is I get it I don't can you
19:29
can you talk about that absolutely
19:31
absolutely yeah so scientifically we
19:33
don't know exactly how Homeopathy Works
19:36
however we do know that it works on I
19:38
always tell people it works more on an
19:40
energetic level so to speak so there are
19:42
especially certain remedies um that
19:45
could be really helpful for repressed
19:47
emotions so let's say somebody has a lot
19:49
of like repressed grief that they don't
19:52
even feel or they're not even
19:53
consciously aware that it's there
19:55
they're more numbed out they're more
19:56
numbed out which is a coping mechanism
19:58
of course because it's so painful and
20:00
not conscious or intentional right right
20:02
so um if that's the case for that
20:05
patient there are certain remedies that
20:06
can help to I always tell people it
20:08
helps to bring it up to the surface and
20:10
although it might be uncomfortable so to
20:13
speak um at the time because you're
20:15
feeling it it is the only way to heal is
20:18
when you bring it up and out it helps to
20:21
push things up and out and when people
20:23
are tend to be stuck in certain um
20:26
whatever they're processing through EMDR
20:28
like let's say they're processing
20:30
they're they're stuck through um a
20:32
moment of grief or anger or something
20:34
like that or resentment or betral
20:36
whatever it is that they're actually
20:38
processing and things aren't just moving
20:40
like it should there are actually
20:42
certain homeopathic remedies that you
20:43
can bring on board that will help to
20:45
loosen that up and bring it up and the
20:47
transition that PE that I I've witnessed
20:51
myself that I've heard from other
20:52
therapist it like brings it right up and
20:55
just makes it so much smoother for that
20:56
energy to be up and released if that
20:58
makes sense so although as an adaptation
21:01
our our bodies do a great job defending
21:04
its emotional overwhelm one of the ways
21:06
is through repression it's like if I
21:09
want to be done with these symptoms once
21:10
and for all I have to allow for them to
21:13
exit so we we don't we've got to feel it
21:15
to heal it we've got to have access to
21:17
that you know unresolved stuff that
21:20
sometimes never got to be felt like I
21:22
think about you Mom and Dad are in the
21:24
room doing drugs and you're just alone
21:26
and you're scared you don't even realize
21:29
that you're lonely or that you're scared
21:31
or that you're confused you're just kind
21:33
of Frozen in shock cuz you're so little
21:35
and so when we go back to review those
21:37
memories through EMDR reprocessing it's
21:39
like you get to go on a rescue mission
21:41
as the adult hero and be there with and
21:44
for that little girl where you didn't
21:46
get to feel those things in the first
21:48
place and now we've offered a safe place
21:50
and time for that to happen and so I
21:52
really respect and appreciate the art of
21:56
that Homeopathy uh delivery and you know
22:00
how much listening is required for you
22:03
to really fine-tune the nuances of what
22:05
you're going to ask the the patient to
22:07
take and so I love the conjunction of
22:10
those two approaches for sure together
22:12
it it just works beautifully I really
22:14
appreciate it yeah and I kind of want to
22:16
put out there too um you know Homeopathy
22:19
is it's very it's a very gentle modality
22:21
of medicine so if somebody isn't
22:24
necessarily ready let's say they have a
22:27
lot of um repressed memories because the
22:32
the trauma they went through was so
22:34
intense when somebody's on the right
22:36
remedy it works synergistically with the
22:39
body and the mind it's not going to
22:41
force you to remember all of the trauma
22:43
that occurred if you're not ready for it
22:46
it is a very gentle modality of medicine
22:49
that works alongside your body and what
22:52
it knows you're capable of um so it's
22:55
not something that's going to
23:28
just we we try not to leave anything on
23:29
the table here yeah yeah so I always you
23:32
know I tell people first and foremost
23:34
self-awareness is so important so if you
23:37
find yourself that you are you are a
23:39
people pleaser you know get curious
23:41
about it pay attention to it um you know
23:45
really dive in like is am I jumping to
23:49
the rescue like is this actually
23:51
necessary so to speak um I always tell
23:54
people too listen to your body um
23:56
meditation is beautiful but if you find
23:59
that you're averse to meditation I also
24:01
tell people you know sit with yourself
24:04
just for a couple minutes and just
24:06
pretend your body is almost like a
24:08
separate entity in itself and ask your
24:11
body what does it need right now what do
24:13
you need and a lot of times it'll just
24:16
come it might be weird and uncomfortable
24:18
at first but pay attention to what comes
24:20
up because and try your best to honor
24:23
that listen to the dashboard it's got
24:25
the data exactly your body knows better
24:28
your body knows best and if you are
24:30
struggling with illness or something of
24:32
that nature pay attention to it like
24:34
your body is literally speaking to you
24:37
because you're not listening to the
24:39
emotions what was that quote you told me
24:41
the other day when we were talking I
24:43
thought that is one that needs to be you
24:46
know a post or a real or a focused thing
24:48
I loved what you said about that and I
24:50
think it's a great closing State yeah
24:52
yeah so um especially in the
24:54
naturopathic community community um we
24:57
talk about how there's a quote by Robert
24:59
blly um the body weeps what the tears
25:03
cannot express so when we do not honor
25:07
and pay attention to the emotions inside
25:10
our body is going to scream it until we
25:12
do so to speak the body keeps the score
25:15
the body keeps the score absolutely and
25:17
it always tells us even when we don't
25:19
want to listen yes yes unfortunately
25:21
Right For Better or For Worse for better
25:23
for worse yeah well thank you so much
25:26
for being with us today I just can't um
25:28
app I appreciate everything that you've
25:30
imparted on us so so greatly it's uh
25:34
such important information and again
25:36
people just don't know what they don't
25:38
know and how things work and we want to
25:40
make sure our listeners have a full menu
25:44
of choices when it comes to their
25:45
healing and so I really appreciate you
25:48
giving us this time today yeah of course
25:50
thank you for having me and so as a
25:52
little bit of a recap the body keeps the
25:54
score it will tell us what we're not
25:56
listening to and our topic of people
25:59
pleasing is just an adaptation that we
26:02
learned in order to exercise some
26:05
illusion of control in an otherwise
26:07
powerless environment and ultimately it
26:09
puts us at the back of the line related
26:11
to our needs and when we don't listen to
26:13
what we need it causes illness and our
26:16
illness is then the beacon uh that tells
26:20
us what we need to be paying attention
26:22
to so uh hopefully you find this
26:25
information helpful and if You' like to
26:27
learn more please uh look at the links
26:30
in our comments below and if you have
26:33
any stories you want to share about your
26:35
healing Journey we'd love to hear from
26:36
you so thank you for listening and don't
26:38
forget to lead with love it'll never