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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we explore Healing Your Inner Child, unpacking how early attachment experiences shape our adult relationships, emotional triggers, and sense of self. We’ll gently examine the parts of us that still carry old wounds, explore why those younger parts show up the way they do, and share compassionate, practical steps for building safety, resilience, and deeper self-understanding.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody, I'm Kelly O'Horo and I'm your
0:15
host of Adaptable. And today we're going
0:17
to talk about something that comes up in
0:19
just about every single session as a
0:22
trauma therapist. And it's really sweet
0:24
and tender and it's powerful and it's
0:27
deeply human and it impacts all of us,
0:30
especially if we are someone who's had
0:32
really anything traumatic happen to us
0:34
in our childhood. And so today we're
0:37
going to talk about inner healing and
0:39
reconnecting with the parts of ourselves
0:41
that had to grow up too fast or shut
0:44
down or carry burdens that they were
0:46
never meant to carry at the age they
0:48
started carrying them. So, if you've
0:50
ever found yourself reacting bigger than
0:53
a situation needs or getting stuck in
0:55
old patterns or feeling like a part of
0:58
you takes over in certain moments,
1:00
you're not broken. You're experiencing
1:03
what Janina Fischer calls fragmented
1:05
parts of self. They're young. They're
1:08
protective. They're adaptive pieces of
1:10
us that formed during painful and
1:13
overwhelming experiences. As a trauma
1:15
therapist, there are some go-to
1:18
supporters when it comes to the language
1:20
of parts work and inner child work. And
1:23
Dick Schwarz is one of the all-time
1:25
favorites. He wrote a book called No Bad
1:27
Parts that is really a trauma
1:29
therapist's favorite because it talks
1:31
about how every part of us has good
1:34
intention, even if it's strategies are
1:37
outdated, messy, or confusing, or no
1:39
longer useful. So today we're going to
1:41
talk about why inner child and parts
1:44
work is so healing and important and how
1:46
to catch up and connect up younger parts
1:48
of ourselves that got stuck in trauma
1:50
time. I always tell therapists when I'm
1:53
teaching that PTSD or trauma is a time
1:55
orientation issue. We got stuck at the
1:58
time developmentally, emotionally, and
2:00
socially at the age of the thing that
2:03
happened. And so we're going to learn
2:04
how to speak with our parts using
2:07
compassion and patience, curiosity, and
2:11
openness. Now, that can be challenging,
2:14
especially if when one of our parts
2:16
takes over and does things that are not
2:18
in the service of our highest adult
2:20
self. But what happens when we shame or
2:22
dismiss or judge our parts and how to
2:25
repair that? What happens is not great.
2:27
And so, we're going to teach you how to
2:29
repair that. And finally, I'm going to
2:31
give you some gentle things you can use
2:33
today to deepen your relationship with
2:35
your inner child and your inner world.
2:38
So, let's get to it. There's a lot of
2:40
information on inner child work, but not
2:43
so much uh that's written by someone
2:46
who's a specialist in this topic. And so
2:48
hopefully you'll have um both some
2:50
grounded evidence from anecdotally years
2:54
of experience uh that I've been doing
2:56
this but also from some of the greats
2:58
that we pull our ideas from as
3:00
therapists. So let's branch out here.
3:03
Everybody has parts of self. Now not
3:06
everybody is pathologically dissociative
3:08
but most of us have a part that says I
3:11
want to go to bed and I want to stay up
3:13
and finish this movie. They can be more
3:15
dramatic and they can hold our fear, our
3:18
sadness, our anger or perfectionism, our
3:21
people pleasing, our shutdown, our
3:24
drive. And as we talk about when I teach
3:27
therapists, especially when I teach EMDR
3:29
therapy, trauma freezes experiences in
3:32
time. Like I said, so when something
3:34
overwhelming happens, one part of us
3:37
keeps moving forward into adulthood
3:39
while another part gets stuck in the
3:41
age, the emotion, and the moment of that
3:43
original wound. Janina Fischer talks
3:46
about basically these parts aren't
3:48
pathological. They're just wounded. They
3:50
are stuck in trauma time with an injury.
3:53
And Dick Schwarz, he talks about this
3:56
really that if we don't teach how to
3:59
love and have compassion for all of our
4:02
parts instead of shame and dismiss, they
4:04
they just get noisier. So parts only
4:07
need care and attention and unbburdening
4:10
so that they can heal and become seen
4:12
and known with today's highest self. So
4:15
let me give you some examples. Let's say
4:17
there's a seven-year-old part of you.
4:19
you had an experience where you were
4:22
yelled at and shamed and maybe highly
4:24
criticized. And now when you're yelled
4:27
at or when someone has disapproval or
4:29
disappointment in you, there's panic
4:32
that happens in adulthood during
4:34
conflict. And so maybe you get small or
4:36
you don't stand up for yourself or you
4:38
don't know how to be assertive because
4:40
you kind of rever revert back to like
4:42
seven and you sense that you sense that
4:44
you feel really young in conflict. Or
4:47
maybe you were a teenager and you felt
4:49
unseen and dismissed and got really good
4:53
at finding yourself in rooms by yourself
4:55
because you didn't want to be around the
4:56
conflict. Or maybe you just didn't want
4:59
to be the problem. And so instead of
5:01
being assertive in that moment, maybe
5:03
you shut down when you feel ignored or
5:05
unseen. Maybe there's a part of you that
5:08
had to become the strong one that you
5:10
didn't have grown-ups around you that
5:12
knew how to adult well or they shut down
5:14
or they were depressed or they were
5:16
always gone at work. And so now you have
5:18
a part that's got to be strong and has
5:20
to know how to figure everything out.
5:22
And that part never lets you rest even
5:24
when you're exhausted. I'm sure by this
5:26
point you've identified with some of
5:28
these adaptation that happen during
5:30
trauma. And these parts aren't trying to
5:33
sabotage you. they have a job to do.
5:36
When I explain this to clients, what
5:38
I'll often say is our human system is
5:41
like the body or the car. And whoever
5:45
ends up in charge of ourselves is like
5:48
driving the car. And so what we want to
5:51
understand is when I have a
5:52
seven-year-old or a 12-year-old or a
5:55
13year-old driving the adult that is me,
5:58
it's not in my best interest. So, but
6:01
they are looking out for you even if
6:02
it's unhelpful because their goal is to
6:04
protect you and they're doing that the
6:07
only way that they know how. And so, how
6:10
do we solve for this? What do we do?
6:12
Basically, the whole goal is to catch up
6:14
and connect up younger parts of
6:16
ourselves into highest self in today's
6:20
person who knows better, who can come up
6:23
with better solutions and who is not
6:25
stuck in trauma time. So when we do this
6:28
inner child work, we really want not to
6:31
abandon or burden or dismiss these
6:34
parts. We need to get curious. We need
6:37
to understand because here's the thing,
6:39
our adult self has wisdom. Our adult
6:42
self has safety, independence,
6:45
resources, and our brain can regulate
6:48
us. Now, our younger parts, when we were
6:51
stuck in trauma time, those parts didn't
6:53
know that. So they think it's still
6:56
happening. They're stuck as if this
6:58
experience that's triggered in today's
7:00
life or the environment around us is
7:03
still happening. They think you're still
7:05
five. They think you're still 12 and
7:07
they don't realize that there's an adult
7:09
here to handle it. They think they're
7:11
still alone in the scenario. So our job
7:14
in adult self is to help find them and
7:18
update that file. Think of a computer
7:20
that kind of needs defragged. It needs
7:22
today's data. It needs to stop running
7:25
on on stuck. So, let me give you some
7:28
more examples. Like, so there's a let's
7:30
say there's a 10-year-old part of you
7:31
who learned we can't trust anyone.
7:33
People are not able to be counted on.
7:35
They need help catching up with the
7:37
reality that is now. We can choose who
7:39
gets to be close to us. We can give our
7:41
trust in somebody that has earned that
7:45
in small moments over time, which is how
7:47
trust is built. Maybe we have a part
7:49
that had to act like an adult at six
7:51
because maybe there was an illness in
7:53
the family or maybe there was uh parents
7:55
that were working or maybe there was a
7:57
one parent home and they were just gone
7:59
at work. And so the six-year-old needs
8:01
help connecting up with the real adult
8:03
who can finally carry what that child
8:06
once held all by his or herself. So when
8:09
you catch them up, you help them
8:11
discover the danger is over. They're not
8:14
trapped anymore. They have choices. They
8:16
have options. they're now safe. They can
8:19
choose who to trust. And oftentimes, one
8:22
of the things that gets stuck is they
8:24
weren't responsible then and they should
8:26
not have been put in a position to be
8:28
responsible then. So, we can understand
8:30
and let go of any judgment we had of
8:32
self when we were young to recognize
8:34
that, you know, we really shouldn't have
8:36
been put in some of the positions we
8:38
were put in. And this isn't to badger or
8:41
judge or dismiss parents. I I believe
8:43
most parents are really doing the very
8:45
best they can with what they know. I
8:47
believe in a generous assumption, but
8:49
sometimes even when they were doing
8:51
their best, it wasn't good enough. And
8:52
so they put burdens or responsibilities
8:54
on children that should not have been
8:56
put on them. And so here's the key, and
8:59
here's how we're going to solve for
9:00
this. We're going to treat our parts
9:02
with compassion, with patience, with
9:04
curiosity, and with love. Our parts
9:08
responded far better to compassion than
9:11
criticism. If we are critical or shaming
9:14
or dismissive, our parts kind of get
9:16
noisy. They battle. They really try to
9:18
take over more so. But when we see them
9:21
and we hear them and we feel them, they
9:24
kind of feel seen. So when we speak to
9:27
our our inner children with judgment and
9:30
dismissal and harshness or like shaming,
9:33
like they just need to get over it. In
9:35
fact, I once had a client tell me that a
9:38
therapist of theirs in the past said,
9:39
"We just need to put that teenager who's
9:41
naughty on a cloud and push her away."
9:44
And I was so triggered because I
9:46
thought, "That's not how we do this. We
9:48
can't just dismiss parts of us. They are
9:51
how we became who we are. And they need
9:53
to be loved and seen even if those
9:56
adaptations aren't useful today. Because
9:58
when we shame, those parts retreat. They
10:01
shut down or they fight harder. Why?
10:04
because they interpret your tone as the
10:07
same danger they learn to fear as
10:09
children. Right? So, let me say that
10:11
again. The reason they shut down or the
10:14
reason they get noisier is because they
10:16
now are basically experiencing the same
10:19
thing that got them started in the first
10:20
place. So, that's not going to help,
10:22
right? So, parts heal through
10:24
relationship. And we have to offer our
10:27
inner selves what wasn't there at the
10:29
time. We have to show up now for our
10:32
little parts in ways that didn't happen.
10:35
So if you know how to be loving or
10:37
compassionate, then we just bring that.
10:39
When our higher selves lead with
10:42
compassion, our parts start to settle
10:44
down. They start to believe maybe she's
10:47
got it. Maybe I don't have to be so
10:48
noisy. So your inner world responds to
10:52
the way that you speak to it. Our
10:53
interaction with our inner world must be
10:56
compassionate to be successful. If you
10:59
treat your parts like they're annoying
11:01
children, they'll act like it. If you
11:03
treat them like frightened, overworked
11:05
protectors, they will soften. If we can
11:08
see them with um understanding and
11:10
compassion, they feel like they have
11:13
camaraderie with our highest self. And
11:15
in that camaraderie, they can start to
11:17
settle down. So, most of us don't talk
11:21
about ourselves very kindly. Most of us
11:23
shame ourselves when we don't like how
11:25
we're showing up. But when we meet our
11:27
parts with shame or dismissal or
11:30
irritation, they feel like we did as
11:33
kids, maybe unseen, misunderstood,
11:36
rejected, abandoned, and more protective
11:40
than ever. They're like, "See, it's not
11:42
okay to settle down because look what we
11:44
have to deal with." So, this is why that
11:46
internal conflict increases when we try
11:48
to push away anxiety, numbness,
11:52
self-sabotage, anger, tears, or
11:54
shutdown. We can't do that. Those
11:57
reactions are parts doing their best.
11:59
They are trying to show up for us the
12:01
best that they know how. And so we have
12:04
to meet them differently than we were
12:05
met when we were little. So let me give
12:07
you some examples. Let's say you have an
12:09
anxious part and you're so tired of
12:12
being exhausted and overwhelmed from the
12:13
anxiety. If you yell at that part or you
12:15
shame or get angry, that part's going to
12:18
get more anxious because now it's afraid
12:20
of both the outside threat and the
12:22
internal threat. Okay? or an angry part
12:26
that gets louder because it feels
12:27
ignored or an avoidant part retreats
12:30
deeper because it feels unsafe to come
12:32
forward. And so compassion is the
12:35
anecdote. Compassion is how you become
12:38
the leader of your system and you meet
12:40
with camaraderie your inner world. And
12:44
this is what we're going to have to
12:45
learn to do especially if the voices
12:47
that were outside of us, our external
12:49
world didn't give us an example. Now, I
12:53
oftentimes will help a client with this
12:55
by paralleling how would you treat your
12:58
child or if your child was talking like
13:00
this about themselves, what would you
13:02
say? But if you don't have children or
13:04
younger people in your world where you
13:06
can see the parallel that's more
13:08
appropriate, this even works with pets.
13:10
If you know how to be kind to your dog
13:12
or your cat because they're just
13:14
helpless and they don't know what to do
13:16
and they rely on you, you can bring that
13:19
energy, that compassion, that love, that
13:21
understanding to your inner parts. So,
13:24
let me give you some examples if you're
13:25
not familiar with what that can look
13:27
like because some of us really didn't
13:29
have any example and maybe many of us
13:31
have to watch movies or TV to even get
13:33
an idea of what that could look like.
13:36
So, let's just start with like a a
13:38
fearful young part.
13:40
So, you might need to lean in and say,
13:42
"Hey, sweetheart. Hey, little one. I can
13:45
feel that you're scared. Thank you for
13:47
showing me what's still hurting and what
13:50
was dangerous. I'm here now. You're not
13:52
alone in this anymore." Oftentimes, our
13:55
parts were alone at the time. And so,
13:57
they can't heal without relationship.
13:59
And that doesn't require someone outside
14:01
of you. It requires you to you. So, let
14:06
me give you some more dialogue for maybe
14:09
a part that's more protective like anger
14:11
or avoidance or perfectionism, which a
14:14
lot of people don't understand as armor
14:16
um or withdrawal. So, this is going to
14:19
be understanding about over overwork.
14:22
So, I see you working so hard to protect
14:24
me. I know you're doing this because you
14:26
care. I'm curious. What are you afraid
14:29
would happen if you didn't do this? So
14:32
what's the danger if you stopped getting
14:34
so angry or so perfect or so avoidant?
14:38
What would happen? What is the threat if
14:39
that would happen? And so that's where
14:41
the curiosity needs to show up because
14:43
this is how we're going to better learn
14:45
what caused the need for this
14:46
adaptation. And it takes some practice.
14:48
And I know that this sounds so crazy,
14:50
but it really is impactful. Now the next
14:54
the next adaptation is about shame. And
14:56
shame is our most inhibitory emotion. It
14:59
shuts us down. It is a full contact
15:02
emotion and it shuts us down more than
15:04
anything. So we really have to be kind
15:07
to parts that shame. So we need to start
15:10
with things like I'm not here to judge
15:12
you. You've carried this pain for a long
15:14
time. Thank you for surviving. You were
15:17
so strong and so brave and you really
15:20
did the best that you could. that can
15:22
help to soften and slow down a part that
15:26
is full of shame and carries a lot of
15:29
burden from shame, critical parents, or
15:32
just a lot of abandonment or neglect.
15:33
And then we might need to be more vague
15:35
because we don't really understand what
15:38
a part is doing. So for a part that
15:40
we're not sure about yet, we might say
15:42
something like, "I noticed that you're
15:44
here. I want to understand you. You
15:47
don't have to change or go away. I'm
15:49
just listening." And for those of you
15:51
who are adults thinking about this, we
15:54
don't want to thinking about the
15:56
metaphor I talked about before where
15:58
we're the car and whoever's driving the
16:00
car is who's kind of taken over as one
16:02
of our parts or our inner children. We
16:04
want high self in charge as much as
16:07
possible, which is our most adult
16:09
version of our of our current age. And
16:12
we would just like to invite our parts
16:14
to sit shotgun or or maybe in the back
16:17
seat and let them know they can take the
16:19
wheel if we need them to, but I've got
16:21
it for now. My adult self has it for
16:23
now. If we have an overwhelming part or
16:26
an overwhelmed part, this is a part that
16:28
might shut down or freeze. And we might
16:31
say something like, "This feels like a
16:33
lot. I know. Can I sit with you? You
16:35
don't have to carry this alone. Let me
16:37
just be with you in this moment." So, I
16:40
know that it sounds funny. I really like
16:42
the book Janina Fischer has, which is
16:44
called Healing the Fragmented Parts of
16:46
Self. And I recommend getting that if
16:49
this is some work that you're doing,
16:50
because in the back of that book, there
16:52
are several different other activities
16:54
like this that are really helpful. And
16:56
these dialogues help us to activate our
16:58
self- energy. The calm, the confident,
17:01
the compassionate parts of self, that
17:03
inner leader, that's our highest self.
17:05
And that is how we can work with our
17:08
inner parts. Um Dick Schwarz who came up
17:11
with IFS internal family systems. When
17:14
we lead with self, he talks about when
17:16
we do that, we have a lot more
17:19
cooperation from our inner worlds. And
17:21
that's what we're looking for. We're not
17:22
looking to abandon. We're not looking to
17:25
shame or shut down our younger parts.
17:27
We're looking to help them understand
17:30
their function. We want them to know
17:32
that we see them because every part of
17:35
us has a story. Every part learned to
17:37
help you survive. None of them are bad.
17:40
None of them are wrong. None of them are
17:42
beyond healing. They just might need an
17:45
updated version of today's reality. And
17:47
by catching up and connecting up our
17:49
younger parts of self, we integrate the
17:52
pieces that once felt more fragmented.
17:54
We become more whole, more present, more
17:57
tender both with ourselves and with
17:59
others. So hopefully you found this
18:02
helpful. This is just a little snapshot.
18:05
It takes practice. I recommend with my
18:07
my clients who have very active inner
18:10
child parts that oftentimes take over
18:13
and higher self doesn't get to be at the
18:14
wheel as much as they would like to
18:16
start their day with some of this inner
18:18
dialogue activities so that they can
18:20
understand who feels present and they
18:23
can start with connection and
18:25
understanding and compassion and
18:27
partnership. And so again, don't give
18:30
up. You can heal. Your younger parts
18:33
deserve it. And you've got this. So,
18:36
thank you so much for tuning in. If you
18:38
found this helpful, please subscribe.
18:40
We've found that most of our listeners
18:42
who are watch, especially on YouTube,
18:45
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18:47
channel. So, please give us a subscribe
18:48
or a like. If you find this helpful for
18:51
someone that you might know, go ahead
18:52
and share it. We we love that. And until
18:55
we meet again, don't forget to lead with
18:57
love. It'll never steer you wrong.