Debunking “living in the moment” and other bad emotional advice

There are many common beliefs about emotion regulation that I think are more accurately

characterized as myths rather than truths. One myth, venting is helpful. We know that

venting your emotions can be really good for strengthening the friendship and relational

bonds between people. But we also know that if all you do is vent about a problem in a conversation

you often leave that conversation feeling worse or just as bad as you started. So venting doesn't

lead long term to effective outcomes. Another myth, avoidance is always toxic. You don't have

to choose between either always avoiding or always approaching your emotions. Being flexible in that

way can be useful. Giving your psychological immune system some time to temper the emotional

response. You then come back to the problem and you either find that the problem isn't as big as

it felt initially or you can approach it from a calmer and more deliberate point of view

We often hear that we should strive as much as possible to live in the moment This is a directive that I fear we have taken to an extreme The human mind didn evolve to be perpetually in the moment

It evolved to travel in time. Going into the future allows me to simulate and plan

It also allows me to fantasize about the good experiences that lie on the horizon

I can also go back in time to learn from the mistakes that I've made so I don't repeat them again

I can also go back in time to savor past positive experiences

Most of our experiences follow a specific time course. We live our lives

Something happens, our emotions get triggered, and then as time goes on, they eventually fade

Now, when we are experiencing intense emotions, we often lose sight of the fact that as time goes on, we're going to feel better

We are so hungry for one-size-fits-all solutions. That's simply not how emotion regulation works

You want to show up for every situation with a phenomenal toolbox of skills

And that's where science can guide us