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Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of abuse. At least, in the vast majority of situations it is.
This is despite it being a very common form of manipulation and control in relationships – both romantic and platonic.
Learn the 5 core reasons why the silent treatment is emotionally abusive, and when staying quiet is the most appropriate response.
We’ll also cover how to deal with the silent treatment from others, so make sure you watch to the end.
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At some time or another, we've all reached a point where we simply don't want to talk to someone after a disagreement
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And it's not a fear of escalation that stops us. We withdraw in order to punish them
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We give them the silent treatment. This passive aggressive weapon keeps your opponent on tenderhook while providing your false sense of empowerment
0:16
Ignoring someone in the way can be extremely hurtful. The psychological effects can be lasting and quite frankly is so very unfair
0:24
Hi, I'm Jessica from the Conscious Rethink and in this video we'll explore the reasons while giving someone a silent treatment can be
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be considered a form of abuse. It's a means of exerting control over someone. In any type of relationship
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both parties should feel free to act how they choose. Yes, they may make bad choices and do things
0:41
that hurt others, but they do so of their own free will. Of course, a person can have boundaries
0:45
and can assert those boundaries when another person crosses them. But the silent treatment doesn't
0:49
assert those boundaries in a healthy way. It doesn't communicate precisely what the boundary was or
0:54
what the other person did to cross it. The silent treatment screams, you should know, A, what you did
0:59
wrong. Be how I feel and see what you need to do to end this silence. This puts the other person
1:04
on the back foot, which is a form of control. By giving the silent treatment, you are suggesting
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that you are in the right and they are in the wrong and that it is their responsibility to fix this
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You give them no choice in the matter. If they don't do what you want, the silence will carry on
1:18
It's a means of punishing the other person. When disagreements occur, of course you're going
1:22
to have some ill feeling towards the other person. You may be hurting and you tell yourself that
1:26
hurting them back is justified, and so you stop all communication, you stonewalled them and you do
1:31
so to punish them. You want them to feel bad for making you feel bad. But consciously choosing to make
1:36
someone feel bad is an abusive act. It is you saying that the other person deserves to suffer
1:41
and no one deserves to suffer, even if they have done something to upset you. It makes the other
1:46
person feel anxious. If one person uses a silent treatment on a regular basis, it soes the seeds
1:51
of anxiety in the mind of the other. After all, they may never know when it will be used against them
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stability is sure to put someone constantly on edge, anxious that they may trigger another
2:00
period of silence. Again, this is a form of control because it gives the one who wields the silent
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treatment in the upper hand. They aren't the ones who have to feel anxious about what the other
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may do The silent treatment also causes anxiety during the event Whilst one person closes off the other is left searching for ways to make peace though they also don want to make the situation worse so they feel nervous when they try to make amends It can be used as a threat A threat is one person saying if you don do this or if you don do that you will suffer the consequences
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You can see how the silent treatment can be seen as a threatening someone. It says, if you don't fix this, you will continue to face more silences
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It says, if you don't fix this, we're over, we're through, I'm done with you. It says, if you make me mad again, I'm going to
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to make you pay again. Though it may not instantly appear as threatening behaviour, the silent
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treatment can do just as much emotional damage as more obvious threats. It makes a person doubt
2:52
themselves and their actions. Sometimes, the silent treatment can be used over small matters
2:57
things that shouldn't bring out such a strong reaction. In these instances, it serves to so seize
3:02
of doubt in the other person's mind. They may wonder, do I deserve this? Am I stupid for acting
3:07
the way I did? Am I a terrible person? This doubt can stop them from acting freely in the future
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Of course, if they really did do something to cause her, they should try not to do it again
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But if the silent treatment is a regular occurrence, they may start to wonder if anything they do is right
3:21
Then there is the effect it can have on a person's self-esteem. If they are met with silence again and again, it conveys the measures that they are not worthy of open and honest communication
3:30
They are only worthy of suffering. It withholds affection. When the silent treatment is in use, there can be no closeness, no love, no affection
3:38
And whilst the other person being silent may be okay with this. The person on the receiving end almost certainly won't be
3:44
They seek resolution. They want to be touched, hugged, affirmed with words
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But they get nothing of the sort. They are left feeling unloved and uncared for
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This is just another form of control and punishment. It lays all the blame at one person's door
3:57
When one party takes temporary oath of silence after a disagreement, it is their way of telling the other person
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you did this, you are to blame. I am innocent. This is rarely the case, of course
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but that doesn't change the messages of the silencer is giving. Again, this can adversely impact the other person's self-esteem
4:13
because they will feel like they are flawed in so many ways. They will start to believe that everything really is their fault
4:18
and will begin to accept blame for things that are really not their responsibility. It wears you down
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The effect of abuse are rarely instantaneous. Instead, they build up over time
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When used again and again, the silent treatment eventually breaks the spirit of the other person
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until they no longer have the strength to fight it They simply cave in as soon as the silence begins begging pleading not to be subjected to it anymore Of course the person doing the silencing sees this as a justification for their actions
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Silence works to make the other person back down, to admit fault, to feel diminished
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and so they continue to use it, much to dismay of the other person
4:51
How to deal with the silent treatment? If you're on the receiving end of this silent treatment and you want to handle things with dignity
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how do you go about it? Reacting to the silent treatment requires sensitivity
5:01
openness, understanding and a good dose of humanity. Here is the approach to take
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Look for solutions. Most people who give the silent treatment don't feel great about it at the time
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It may be the only mechanism they know for dealing with conflicts. Chances are they're engaged with the process of reconciliation
5:16
if you provided a meaningful solution to whatever came between you. Maybe not straight away, but sooner or later
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If you can think of solutions yourself, offer these up in a gentle way. Don't round them down the other person's throat
5:27
as the right thing to do or the action you think may need to be taken. merely suggest them and ask for feedback
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Of course, you won't always have solutions in mind. Sometimes you just need to work through things together
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In which case, you can simply say, I wish we could figure out what's wrong
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or I'm sure if we put our heads together and talk about this, we could come up of a solution that makes us both happy
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When you make your own suggestions or ask to talk about it, you might not always get the response you want
5:51
but by offering this olive branch, you are likely to shorten the time they feel willing
5:55
and are able to maintain the silent treatment. Validate both your feelings
5:59
There's no point hiding away from the emotions that you're both feeling after a fight
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That's why the solution-based approach should be coupled with the clear measures that you accept their feelings to what they are
6:09
but that your feelings are just as valid. This works a lot better than suggesting that they're blowing things that are proportion
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because while they may be in your opinion, they don't see it that way. So you could say something like, look, I see that your feeling hurt and that you've pulled away
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I understand that you may need some time to call off and process what's happened, but I'm here to talk about it as soon as you're ready
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If they come back to the table and open up a dialogue within a reasonable time, then the message got through and they feel appeased by your gesture
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But if they continue giving you that silent treatment for a prolonged period days or more
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it's right that you express how that makes you feel. You must communicate your own hurt or you're ref rejecting its validity
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Keep calm and carry on. A big part of the silent treatment is the power it gives that person who wields it
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But that power is largely something that your actions give them When you grove wrong beg for forgiveness or make grand suggestions designed to win them round you only reinforcing their beliefs that silent works
7:00
But if you go about your life an emotional level way, not reacting to their sciences, you teach them
7:05
that their approach is not going to give them the results they seek. Of course, if you have said or
7:09
done something to upset them, you should apologise sincerely, but you should only do so once
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Repeated apologies just hand the power to the other person. When they see that you are not playing
7:18
they're gay, they will hopefully stop playing it too. Decide where to draw the line
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The silent treatment cannot go on forever or rear its head every time you have even the smallest
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disagreement. That's no way for a relationship to be. Eventually there must come to a point where you say
7:32
enough is enough. We've already discussed how prolonged or repeated use of the silent treatment
7:36
is tantamount to abuse when you do not deserve it. Know what your limits are
7:40
Keep trying to engage with the other person to improve the situation for as long as you think
7:44
is healthy. But by willing to let the relationship go, if things show no sign of improving
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This is not meant to be a threat or an ultimatum. It isn't designed to finally jolt them into change
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Just be clear with them that you will not accept this kind of treatment much longer and then follow through when you feel you've done all you can
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It will hurt you both, but it's for the best in the long run. With the silent treatment is the right approach
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There is a time and a place for silence. In fact, in some circumstances, silence is actually recommended
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In a toxic relationship where one party meets any attempt at conflict resolution
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with an escalation of aggression, silence is perfectly acceptable. acceptable. In this case, remaining quiet is a way to cope with the situation and the
8:21
person. Silence is a form of protection and is often the only way to calm things down following
8:26
the altercation. The silent treatment is also recommended if you have escaped an abusive
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relationship, then silence becomes a boundary which prevents you from being manipulated and abused
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again. And that's all for today. I hope that this video has explained by giving the silent
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treatment is rarely a good choice in any type of relationship and I hope you now feel more confident
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in dealing with being given the silent treatment by someone else. If you have anything you'd like to add, please leave a comment below
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#Mental Health
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#Violence & Abuse