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Have you and your partner repeatedly gone through the breakup make up cycle?
If you find yourself stuck in this loop, you need to know how to end relationship cycle - either together as a couple or apart.
This video will tell you all you need to know about why couples get into this breakup make up cycle and how to escape it.
Talk to a trained and experienced relationship counsellor - either by yourself or as a couple - to figure out what to do about your relationship, one way or another.
Click this link to get started: https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/RH-breakup-cycle
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0:00
Why some couples get stuck in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together
0:05
We've all either been there or comforted a friend for it, the break-up make-up process
0:10
Sometimes you and your ex just can't quite let it go until you can
0:14
And then one of you changes your mind. It can be very confusing and often quite distressing
0:19
Being uncertain about your relationship can take its toll on many aspects of your life and can be really draining
0:26
Let's have a look at how you can get caught in a loop and how to break away from it, whatever
0:30
that may mean. Hi guys, I'm Jessica from A Conscious Freethink and today I'm going to help you
0:35
answer why some couples get stuck in a cycle of an on-off relationship
0:54
How do we get stuck in the cycle? Let's take a closer look at the two distinct stages
1:00
this cycle seesaws between. Breaking up. So you and your partner broke up
1:07
People do that all the time. It's horrible and messy, even if both of you do your best end things on friendly terms
1:13
You promise to give each other the space needed to move on and agree to meet up as friends in the near future
1:18
Whilst this sounds great, there's quite a high chance that it won't work that way. Why? Feelings
1:25
Feelings get in the way of everything, especially break-ups. Some people. People will go on to live their own lives after that is a few months of morning and drunkly
1:33
trying to text their ex while their friends wrestle their phones from their hands. Others will get a breakup haircut, join a gym and meet someone new within a few months
1:42
Either way, some people break up and stick at it. But what happens in this cycle is that the breakup isn't working
1:49
Your ex randomly messaged you on the day you've had a horrible time at work and feel lonely
1:54
You bump into your ex and decide to be mature and grab a coffee
1:59
You both realise that you've been missing each other and things really do feel different this time
2:03
So you give it a second chance. Getting back together. The reasons for the decides to try again after a breakup depends on the people involved
2:12
not just the two of you in the relationship. Family and friends around us when we're going for a breakup really affects our behaviour
2:18
If your friends are telling you to accept that it's finished for good, they'll do their absolute best to help you get over it
2:23
They'll let you cry it all out and then they help you move on. But if your friends keep telling you that they think you and your partner have made a mistake
2:29
You'll start to wonder if you should give things another go. You are already feeling emotional and vulnerable
2:34
We almost trust our loved ones on their opinions more than we trust ourselves
2:38
The way the relationship also impacts how we feel after it. Sometimes things aren't made fully clear when a couple decides to end things
2:45
This feeling of unresolved business can leave us wondering if we made the right decision This can lead us reaching out to Oryx which can kick up the whole process and keep us trapped each time The two individuals involved obviously have a significant impact on what happens after a breakup
2:59
If you're both anxious people, there can be so much pain and confusion around the breakup
3:03
whether if it was mutual or unexpected. Suppose you're already unsure of what's going on and had concerns during the relationship
3:09
In that case, the breakup can make you really question everything. Sometimes our panic feeling and paranoia drive us back to next
3:16
We worry that we haven't made the right choice. Loneliness often plays a massive role
3:20
in couples getting back together too. However confident you are in your decision at the time
3:25
the shock and pain of suddenly being single can really make you reach out to your ex
3:30
Though self-esteem can also come into play here, being single can make us feel unsurprisingly unloved
3:35
Of course, let's assume both of you are feeling a similar way. In that case, they're drawn back to each other
3:41
Getting back together after a breakup is pretty standard and it can be for any number of reasons
3:46
Sometimes it really is because you realise that you've both made a mistake and you want to get back together
3:52
Other times it just sort of happens. What does it mean for the relationship
3:58
If you're the one who ended the relationship, you'll start to notice all the little things that drove you away in the first place
4:04
If your partner ends things for the first time round, you'll probably be overly conscious to everything that you do
4:09
Suppose you're unsure as to why things ended. In that case, you'll be very aware of your behaviour and you'll be monitoring your partner for any sign
4:16
of annoyance. If you know why they ended it, for example you're being too clingy
4:21
you'll start distancing yourself and you'll be working too hard to prove that you've changed
4:25
Either way, you'll both be treading on eggshells and it'll become painful to be around each other
4:30
One alternative is that you'll both insist that it wasn't your fault. This will quickly
4:34
become frustrating for you both and things may get out of hand. You may choose to ignore the fact
4:40
that you ever broke up, which is equally unhealthy. By pretending there is no bumps in the road
4:44
you'll be living in a fantasy world. You'll avoid arguing because you want things to be perfect
4:49
Unfortunately, this often leads to more tension and even bigger arguments in the end
4:53
You both have the proper aims in mind. It's just not realistic to expect things to suddenly be perfect
4:58
The other possibility is that there's too much past baggage. We all have good intentions for moving on
5:03
We agree to start afresh and forget what happened. Is this likely to work
5:08
Probably not. Will we continue to keep trying over and over again anyway
5:12
Yes, yes we will. How can you break the cycle? If you're already this far through the video, you know that things have to change
5:21
It's hard to admit that your behaviour is self-destructive and hard to imagine the person you love playing a toxic role in your life
5:27
The thing to remember is that neither of you is at fault. There's a lot of history and a lot of love between you both
5:32
Why would you not want to keep that going? It painful to let go of love but it also sad to keep yourself trapped in an unhealthy cycle There a big difference between real love and attachment First things first communicate properly Not via text or over the phone Sit down with your partner face to face talk about what you both want
5:53
It can be hard to remember what you want from the relationship when you're already caught up in the cycle
5:57
Sometimes you just want someone there because you're used to it. Sometimes you generally do miss your partner and want to make it work
6:04
Sometimes you want to feel the void of sex and intimacy that's inevitably popped up. Sometimes it's a combination of these things and sometimes you have no idea what it is
6:12
By discussing what you want, you'll be much better equipped to come up with a resolution
6:17
Suppose this feels like a significant step because your relationship is strained or communication isn't your most vital point
6:23
In that case, there's always a relationship counselling route. Many couples find that this is the best way to deal with issues such as the one that you're facing
6:31
It helps clarify the situation, find solutions and do it all without resorting to petty arguments
6:36
However, if this is something you cannot deal with by yourself, maybe seeking out help from one of your I've recommended relationship expert is the way to go
6:44
By connecting with one of the experts, you'll stand a far better chance of really getting to the bottom of things
6:50
figuring out what the relationship cycle, why the relationship cycles the way it does and how to escape it
6:55
You can find the links below in the description. If you do decide to tackle this with just the two of you, here are two options you have to choose between
7:04
Commit for good. You decide to really commit to things. This is the last time you get back together because you're both going to really stick at staying together
7:13
We've got a few pieces of advice if this is the route that you're going to go down
7:19
Make it public. Tell your friends and family, this is a step that people often skip when they're trapped in the cycle because they don't know 100% what they want
7:27
Maybe you wanted to keep it a secret because you're ashamed. Perhaps you knew deep down that you didn't want it to last
7:33
The simple step forces you to make sure that this is what you would. want before you actually commit. It helps you keep trying when you face inevitable bumps in the road
7:41
rather than giving up at the first obstacle. Just remember that relationships are tricky and you
7:46
will have to put in the work to make it last. You've got to go into this with the right attitude
7:53
Forgive. You might not be able to forget things that happened in your first relationship with your
7:58
partner, but you need to start forgiving. Forgive your partner for things that have happened in the past
8:03
If they are unforgettable, you shouldn't even be considering committing to them
8:07
If you can look past their mistakes and failings and still want to make this work, you must stick to it
8:12
You can't bring up something they did in the past and hold it against them that will only create distrust and anxiety which will never end well
8:20
Communicate Some couples in this cycle shut down because they're scared of causing further problems
8:27
If something is upsetting you, talk about it. The only way this relationship will work is if you act like it just that a relationship You still need the same things from it Security intimacy support and love Don treat it like it your last chance because then you
8:41
start trying too hard to be perfect and it won't work long term. Be open and honest. You're both
8:46
been through the same thing with each other so you don't need to pretend or hide what you're doing
8:50
from each other. Or end it for good. If you're ending things for good, you need to actually do that
8:58
There's no point in ending things if you both have in the back of it. of your minds that you'll get back together again soon
9:04
If there's still so much unfinished business and uncertain, you need a good long talk with each other
9:09
If you're breaking up and breaking out of a cycle, follow these steps. Tell people
9:17
Being accountable for your action is so important in terms of progress. Your friends might have gotten used to the on-off relationship
9:23
so they'll probably just brush your behaviour off. From now on, they need to know that you're done, officially
9:29
Your partner will support you more than, you can imagine, so use a loyalty and friendship to push you through
9:36
Write it down. Write a list of reasons why you're finally breaking up of your ex
9:41
It doesn't have to be mean, but you need a solid list of reasons why you're ending things for good
9:46
Part of you probably won't believe yourself at first, as you're so used to saying you'll end it and then not actually doing it
9:52
Check your list each time you feel yourself wavering. It will help you so much. Anticipate
9:59
This is going to be horrible. Let's be honest. It will be the most brutal break-up you've been through so far
10:05
because you're finally letting go of the person as well as the hope that it might work out. You need to give yourself plenty of time to mourn and wallow
10:12
You will get through this and you will come to realise that this was the right decision
10:16
but you need to accept it. It may take a little while to get to that stage. Be gentle for yourself at first
10:21
Do what makes you feel good, whether it's meditation, yoga, Netflix bingers
10:26
or sitting in the bath and crying hysterically. You do you. then get tough on yourself
10:31
this was not the person for you and this breakup does not define you
10:35
you need to get proactive and take control of your life you end of things for a reason
10:40
you wanted more freedom you wanted more independence you didn't want to be part of something toxic
10:45
you try to get back to being you all right guys that is all from me today
10:52
I hope you found this advice valuable and insightful sometimes we all benefit from the extra
10:57
little help from an uninvolved party If you think you need extra help from a professional, feel free to contact them through the link in the description
11:04
Other than that, I'll see you in the next episode. Bye
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