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A friend of mine has been dating a guy for several months and she was definitely falling for him
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But she couldn't figure him out. He kept pulling away from her emotionally and she was really struggling with reconciling itself
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She thought that he just didn't care, so she wanted to know she should just cut her looses and end the relationship despite her own feelings for him
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You know, Justin Cage, rather than investing too much and then getting hurt anyway. But I could see that this guy liked her, maybe even loved her, but it was clear that he was dealing with some unresolved abandonment issues
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Now, it wasn't on her to try and fix him, so I gave her the following advice to try and have
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help her save her relationship. It's not all about you. It's easy to blame myself when someone's
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behaving with drawn or acting overly jealous, but the fact is you are not the cause of their
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behaviour. They have some deep emotional hurt that was probably caused years ago, more than likely
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during childhood. It could be from being abandoned, rejected repeatedly, hurt by someone
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close to them, such as their parent. It could also be from being hurt in previous relationships
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once burned twice shy as they say. So they might behave the way that without realizing that they are
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reacting to the present situation with emotions that are being dredged up from the past
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They might freak out and behave really poorly, leaving you sitting there days, wondering what
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the hell you might have done to have elicited such reactions when in reality it's just then
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remembering what it's like to be hurt beyond the measures and doing everything in their
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power to avoid being hurt again. This brings me to my next point. Communication is key
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I say it all the time, but many relationships can be saved with communication
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So when they behaved this way wait until they calmed down and all life they be embarrassed of their behaviour and hopefully they be more open to talking to you about it If you work together then you can grow from the experience and your support and reassurance may in fact stop
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that kind of behaviour from happening again. Now, they may not want to talk about it and that's
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okay. People with abandonment issues don't trust easily and their guard will garp at the first hint that they
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won't get hurt. Be prepared for this so it doesn't catch you off guard or offend you when it happens
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The most important thing is to cultivate open communication in your relationship, even if it's one-sided right now
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It may be awkward or difficult, but it all go along the way to making them realise that you can trust you
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and that's what both of the time and effort that you put into it. Be honest with yourself
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Realising that someone has abandonment issues may make you feel like you need to tread carefully when you're around them
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But that is not a good road for you to go down. You can't bottle up your emotions, treading on eggshells every time you're around them to avoid setting them off
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By doing that, they'll become even more insecure because they'll feel that you're hiding things from them and that you're already halfway out the door
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So as I said before, communicate with them. Hell, even over-communicate. Seriously, the more you can do to reassure them that they're important to you, the better
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They need that and you need that. And eventually, when they feel safe and secure in the relationship, they'll be able to open up to you and be the partner that you need as well
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Be prepared to prove yourself over and over. One major difficulty in loving someone with abandonment issues is that many of them have been downed
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repeatedly by the same type of people over and over again. They expect you to hurt them the same way and they be on high alert waiting for it There are only so many times a person can take an emotional beating before you can expect those beatings to just keep coming So it can take a lot of time effort
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patience and reassurance to convince them that this time it will be different. They may
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never fully trust you that they won't be able to get hurt again but over time they'll
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hopefully start to trust you enough to receive your love and to give love back. Now I know
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that it's a lot more difficult to earn the trust of someone who has been hurt so badly by
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others, but if you can break through their defences and prove them that you're not like the one
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who's going to hurt them before, your washers person you love blossom into the most amazing
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human being they've always had the potential to become. They're not doing this on purpose
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If you think that they're doing this on purpose, check that attitude at the door because they aren't, they really, really aren't. They would love nothing more than just to fall into your
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arms with complete trust in the fact that you are who you seem to be and they can be perfectly
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happy and safe in the relationship with you. But their own experiences have taught them otherwise
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time and time again. Remind them why you love them. Sometimes when we say, I love you, it can sound, well, empty
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Sometimes it just rolls off our tongue a little too easy. So instead, tell them exactly what it is about them
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that you care about and appreciate. They've probably been told by others, the ones that hurt them, that they were loved
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and those words turn them to be hollow and meaningless. But forcing away into very real things
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that you've noticed about them makes them realise that you pay attention to who they are
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and to what they do. Being seed and heard is unbelievably important
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and having their efforts recognised can make a world of difference to them
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People have abandonment issues are often very kind giving people who have loved deeply and been taken advantage of So to be appreciated for what they can do is a massive showing for them that you care Help them but don try to fix them
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Like I said before, it's not on you to fix them or you may feel the way of kindness and a desire to
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see them live a happier life. Remember that this is their life, not yours. You can't put the weight
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on their healing on your shoulders. It's not yours to bear. You have to realise that there is
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a world of difference between helping someone and fixing them. Your role is to A, and a
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and accommodate their own healing journey while giving them the freedom to go at their own pace
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maybe go backwards sometimes, to try different things, to fail, to get up and try again
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You can't take away their abandonment issues, you can only stick by them and try to provide some reassurance
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Look, I'm not going to like loving someone with these issues can be hard work and frustrating at times
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But once you've helped them work through their fears, once you've proved to them that you care and that you'll stay
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you'll have the most loving, giving partner imaginable. Your partner may need to seek out cancelling on their own for their issues
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and maybe you should think about it too. Dealing with someone like this can be really hard
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so I'll drop a link below if you want to. You can chat online with a trained relationship counsellor too
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to help you get through it. If you like this video and you feel like we've helped you out here
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then please hit the like button for me so we can get the video out there to help more people
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And if you want to see more of our videos, then check out the link and we'll see you there. Bye
