Shenise has a conversation with The Unsealed community - Raw Cut

I'm going to start. I'm going to mute everybody. And while we wait for Shanice

I will interview my own mother who doesn't know if she's about to get interviewed

Shelly, we're going to talk to Shanice today about the challenges of being a single mother

and how she went from being a single mother to an entrepreneur and also a published author

You were not a single mother, but you were a working mother. How many challenges do moms have on a daily basis to just get everything done in the day

And you had the luxury of also having a partner. Yes, and that was a very, very big help

But from the moment you wake up, you have to get your children up, dressed, fed, on the bus

get yourself up dressed bed ready for work make a pair go out after they get on the bus you go to

work uh while you're at work on your lunch break maybe you buy some food for dinner if you're

lucky enough to have that time and luxury uh then um if you have uh if you can leave your job and

show for your children activities you do that if not your children stay in an after-school

program and then you pick them up after the after school program, take them home

Did you have friends that were single mothers? I do not recall

Is this Shanice? I think this is Shanice. Well, no, you do

Shanice, is that you? She true? Yes, that's Shanice. there she is i was still my own mom so thank you mom

so remove spotlight we're gonna add chanice um welcome chanice first of all big turn your camera

this way so we get a better view of you oh okay yeah i can't turn it oh don't worry about it then

not a big deal. Okay. Always looks best horizontally, but that's fine. As long as we see you and the

lighting looks great. Welcome to our show. Congratulations. You messaged me today that

your ebook has hit Amazon. It's on sale. That's amazing. First off, how did you end up a single

mom? Where did your story begin? Yeah. So my story began many, many moons ago. And first and

foremost uh thank you for having me i'm very excited for being here and um i'm excited to be

here and um i just i can't wait to dive in and tell my story so i um became a single mom many

many moons ago i was like 20 21 oh you got muted i'm sorry

sorry about that somehow you got muted there we go okay

okay you were 2021 yeah 2021 and um i was in a relationship that wasn't really healthy i was you know super young

didn't really know what i was doing and um i'd actually left the relationship and i didn't find

out until months later that i was actually pregnant so um i just kind of made the decision

to kind of stay on my own and just kind of take it from there. And I really did put my life into

perspective. I went back to school and I finished my undergrad. And so, yeah, so it just kind of

you know, put my life back on track or on track. So I was a young Miami girl. So

what challenges did you get? A lot of people get pregnant and they drop out of school

you got pregnant and said, let me, let me get my life together. What challenges did you have

managing having a baby and then trying to get to Monday's class on time

Yeah. So the challenges were basically just support. I didn't have a great support system

So a lot of times I would have to find childcare that had like extended hours in the childcare with

extended hours, you know, of course cost more money. So I had to pay, you know, for extended

hour child care. And that's pretty much where my support came from. And just, it was the toughness

of going to school and finding support was really my greatest challenge

Well, was there a moment where you're like, I want to quit. This is too much. This is too hard

How I can't do this anymore. And if so, what was that moment

Yeah, I had several of those moments and there were times where I did quit. I had to stop and then just kind of recalibrate and just kind of get myself going again

Those moments were when I was just overwhelmed. I'm like, I don't think I could do this

I came from a community where I didn't think school was for me. I didn't think that this was a goal that I could attain

and I just didn't have a lot of role models and people that I could, you know, emulate

And so that was the challenge for me. But I, you know, eventually, you know, got myself back on track, I guess, if you will

And yeah, and then I, you know, eventually finished school. What was motivating you in those moments of struggle, in those moments of exhaustion

in those moments of I need to take a break? I'm sorry

Can you hold on one second? I have something that's distracting me. I'm sorry. Can you turn that down

Thank you. Sorry. Just trying to think. This thing was distracting. That was my son, by the way

So, yeah. What was your question again? What motivated you during those tough moments

Oh, yeah. So just wanting to create a better life for my son and making sure that he I could provide some level of normalcy for him as much as I possibly could

And that was the thing that would always get me up and going again in those moments where I had given up

I just, you know, I said, I have this kid that I'm responsible for, you know, and I, you know

I have to continue on. I have to finish. And so that was my biggest driving force

When you went to school, what was the dream? What did you want to become? What did you want to do

So initially I went to school for accounting and I wanted to become a CPA

Well, actually, let me back up a little bit. I had actually started a trade program like earlier on, like learning accounting

And after I learned accounting, I was able to, you know, get decent paying jobs

I don you know not paying a whole lot So but enough because I was a bookkeeper by trade And I thought oh wow you know I could take this further I basically do everything an accountant does I just don have the degree the credentials So that when my son caretaker a woman an older woman that

came into my son's life, came into our life. She was his caretaker. She convinced me to go and get

my degree. It didn't take a lot of convincing, but she was definitely the, I guess, the last

person to give me advice to do it. And I just went ahead and did it. And I started out in accounting

and then eventually changed my mind. I realized like, yeah, I don't want to continue on in this

field. You carry to this day envelopes. You wrote about this on the unsealed. You posted this letter

on the unsealed envelopes with $25 in each envelope. And then when you see a single mom

you offer help. A, how do you know who's a single mom? And two, B, why do you do that

Yeah. So for one, I kind of intentionally go into spaces, you know, where I knew I used to go

you know, maybe like value stores where you can get products and items a lot less expensive than

you can get in a regular store. And if I see a woman, you know, with a child or, you know

maybe multiple children, I would just kind of spark up a conversation with her and then

just kind of, you know, talk about my story. And then eventually I'll either get them to say

oh my gosh, yes, I'm a single mom. And so every time without fail, I've always had, you know

a mother to, you know, kind of be a single mom. So I guess I know the look. And so, yeah, so I

started doing this because I just wanted to help women who I felt, you know, were struggling and

may have been in a position that I was once in and just basically being the help that I knew I

needed. I just wanted to be that person that I could have had, you know, someone, some stranger

just to walk up to me and just kind of give me a little bit of relief. And after the first few

times I did it, it was a very rewarding feeling. And I'm like, wow, this is my contribution to

you know, and to giving back and also to helping, you know, families in need. So, and me doing this

not even in the best financial situation, but, you know, I'm a heavy believer in the more you give

the more you get back. And it's not always tangible ways, you know, to be done in favor

And so, yeah, so it's just, you know, for me, it was just mostly just a rewarding feeling and

just knowing that I just helped out someone who was in a situation that I recognize

Any reactions that really moved you? oh my gosh like I had a couple of people just cry and like oh my gosh thank you how did you know

I'm like I didn't even know but um you know but I understand you know how it feels and I kind of

describe that in the um in the letter um because I do include in the envelope a letter

and a prayer and I just described you know what my situation was and how I understand that sometimes

you know even 25 dollars can make a world of a difference you could get bread and eggs it could

get soap toiletries or you know just even put gas in the car just to get them through a couple of

days to payday or something so and today your son is now 20 years old yeah he's grown so how

how did you end up where you are today and what are you doing today well yeah so I um I had a

career I started my my um I had a job I guess you will um working in a support role using my

bookkeeping certification and um I eventually finished school after and I was working in the

public sector and I was like wow I really like service I like serving my community I like being

a civil servant. So I think this is where I want to be. So once I made that decision

I just progressed my career in the public sector. I started in a super hybrid administrative role

overseeing social services for a special district, a community redevelopment agency that worked with the underprivileged community. So I oversaw a lot of the social services programs

and oversaw the budgets and did the procurement for it. So I was like, I kind of like this procurement thing

And then I eventually just kind of took my career into that direction and that path

And I've actually worked in every form of government. I've worked in municipal city, municipal county, state

quasi-governmental special district. And I've progressed my career all the way up

to the federal level. So now I work for the federal government in procurement

But you're also an entrepreneur. I am. So it's like, where do I find the time to do that

Right. So, yeah, I am an entrepreneur. I host my workshops virtually and also in person on weekends

Yeah, on the weekends. So I formed a business called the Behavior Etiquette Institute

So many, many moons ago, I started out as a traditional etiquette consultant

But since then, I revamped the program and has now more of an emphasis on social behaviors, teaching people how to be kind and courteous and just reminding them the importance of being kind and courteous

And also teaching cognitive behavioral techniques, helping people to understand their unhealthy behavioral patterns where they came in and how to dismantle them

And we replaced them with some etiquette techniques. so and you will also as we mentioned earlier just came out with a book and it's I actually

saw this quote somewhere and I kept I loved it and I repeated it to like five people and then I

saw it was the title of your book and it's called let go or be dragged love that concept either

let go something or let it basically drag you down um what is the book about why that title

And how did you start writing a book? Yeah. So, you know, I'm still a human being

I'm still a girl. I'm still a woman. And I'm not exempt from all the things that we go through as people

Unfortunately, I wasn't in the healthiest relationship. And I decided I wanted to turn lemons into what I say, lemon meringue pie, because we're beyond lemonade

I like that. so yeah so I basically took um every you know not so healthy decision that I made in that

relationship and I turned it into a guide as to what not to do and I developed yes and I developed a theory um etiquette one be kind to you first And I just kind of tied my you know my my behavior etiquette institute business into the book

Just thinking about how as etiquette consultants, we're always emphasizing the importance of extending kindness and courtesy to everyone else

But very seldom do we, you know, emphasize the importance of extending that to ourselves first

Because at the end of the day, if we're not kind to ourselves, then how can we genuinely be kind to others

So it has to start with us. We have got to be good to ourselves because if we're not good to us, then we can't be good to others

Genuinely. Have you got to touch a hard copy of your book yet

Yes, yes. I recently had a book launch event and it was a great success

I sold a lot of books and did a lot of talking

I think I'm still on that stroll of just talking about the book and just, you know, excited about talking

But but yeah, so I was pretty excited when I got the first copy

I was like, oh, my gosh, this this is really happening. But I really want to help a lot of women who have been in those situations and just teach women how to be kind to ourselves

because as you know, those things can weigh on our mental state. And I'm a person who

already, you know, have challenges with depression. And I was diagnosed with depression

anxiety, and panic attacks. And, you know, being in unhealthy situations, whether it's a platonic

friendship, whether it's work or whatever, it compounds that. And it's just not good for our

um when you held that book in your hand did you think about the 20 21 year old version of yourself

that was pregnant and like a little bit scared oh absolutely i was like wow i can't believe that

i'm here you know this is such progress um making healthy decisions for myself having the courage to

walk away and to let go. And again, the title of the book is Girl, Let Go, or Be Dragged

A Girlfriend's Guide to Not Getting Played or Playing Herself. And that is taking accountability

for these decisions that we make and these unhealthy situations that we remain in. And we

know we should let go because at the end of the day, it affects our mental and emotional state

i'm guessing you are based on your son being 20 and you having him 21 you're about 41 years old

now do you look in the mirror and be like damn i'm good proud of yourself um i think i have not

i don't think reality really set in i'm just kind of just going going going going going and i don't

think it really really hit me as of yet but most certainly i am mostly important i am mostly proud

of the um the progress that i made with the self my self-love and just the healthy decisions that

i knew at some point i was getting emotional but the healthy decisions that

i now make for myself and um just walking away from things that do not serve me

and um just getting the help that i need and and not being ashamed of of it and not being ashamed

of speaking about it um in terms of mental health because speaking about it and walking away from

you know unhealthy situations will set other people free and i don't want anything that i've

ever experienced any adversity I've ever had in life I don't want it to ever be in vain I want

other people to to be able to just kind of take from my my story and um just you know be empowered

to just make better decisions um what do you hope or think that your son has learned from watching

you all these years? Oh, yes. He has definitely been here to experience it all. The one thing

about the relationship that I have with him, I've always been very open and transparent with him

about everything. Mental health is something that we talk about. It's a conversation that we have

in our house constantly, just making sure he's doing okay mentally and giving him the space in

the room to feel comfortable to open up and talk about his mental health. He is a champion for

mental health. He advocates for it as well. And I'm just really proud that I was able to raise him

to be okay with speaking up when he's not okay and not you know further perpetuate the stigmas

that are placed on people who are dealing with mental health challenges so that's another

very proud moment I should say does he ever say to you mom I'm really proud of you and all you've

done now he does before I don't think he really really grasped what was like happening and what

was you know taking place um now that he's a little bit older and his crown to lobe is maturing

and developing more um I think he now has a better understanding of um of life's challenges and um

he's probably experiencing his own as a young man and things are now, you know, beginning to be

to be brought into perspective for him. Wow. Now I understand what mom went through and, you know

what she was doing. So now he says to me, I noticed a lot of young men who have single moms

they're very good to women. They have a higher level of, I just like respect for, I think women

because they so are so appreciate their moms and know what their moms have done for them

what do you hope when people read your book and learn about your life that people take away from

your story you said you want none of your pain and your struggle to go in vain um yes what do

you hope people learn yeah so i just want um honestly i just want women to understand that

it's okay to let go. I feel like society, societal pressures is what forces us to stay

in toxic situations. You know, there's so many, you know, stereotypes about single women, you know

you know, if we don't have a man, if we don't have a baby, if we don't have a child

we don't have these things and something is wrong with us. And it's far past time that we

start saying it's okay if we don't want these things and it's okay if you know the situation

that i'm in is not healthy and i need to leave i don't want women to feel pressured and staying

in toxic situations just to fulfill some societal pressure i want women to read this book and hear the stories of other brave women who shared their stories and even insight from men and and say wow you know what

I can let go. I could walk away from this. It's not serving me. And I have the courage and I have the strength to do this because everything that they need is within them

And, you know, just want them to feel empowered and encouraged and just transformed after reading this book

I love that. DeAndrea wanted to ask you for some advice for a single mom raising small children

She said, what are the best ways to set aside the necessary time for yourself

in order to get your business started or while you're chasing your dreams

so you can provide the life you want for them? How do you kind of build your life

Why does it work in the bathroom? Working in the bathroom. That's honestly the only time you get

privacy. No, I'm just kidding. Put the babies on a schedule and put them to bed early and put them

on an early schedule and make sure you're carving out time to focus on, you know, your business

to focus on your goals, to focus on you. And, you know, just making sure that the kids are on

the schedule. That's a really, really, you know, important thing or key thing to do

I read also and I'm not a mom so I'm saying I read I don't know but I read that um children

are do best on a schedule that they thrive with being with routine and being on a schedule

oh go ahead sorry no I was saying it makes them a little more disciplined yeah uh Jake has a

question as well Jake what you got hey thank you for having uh me today could you hear me

Yep, we can hear you. Okay. My question is, you've written the stories for others

but what did you learn in the process of writing it that you wouldn't have otherwise learned

What was a light bulb moment for you, so to speak? The fact that I was so transparent and vulnerable

and I didn't think I had the strength or the courage to do that

because I was a person who was always very private, always very concerned with the opinions of others

And when I went through this unhealthy situation, I said, no, no, this is a story that

you know, these are things that need to be talked about. These are things that, you know

we have to start, you know, putting to the forefront because it may sound trivial to some

It may sound minuscule, but when we're in unhealthy situations, it spills out into other areas of our lives

It affects our work productivity. It affects our parenting, our mental state

And, you know, are we spazzing out on people because we're, you know, just not in a good place mentally and emotionally

So it's important that we talk about these things. And I just feel like it's been trivialized so much

and um this book is mostly a book about relationship with self than it is a book about

relationship with anyone else it is the book that is going to give accountability and you know with

that accountability is going to come making better decisions healthier decisions for ourselves so i

hope that answered your question jake yeah just to follow up if that's okay or oh absolutely

um so the ladder as you mentioned the ladder is very high to climb how do we take the first step

though in gaining our confidence to tell our story okay for me I can tell you from from my perspective um

when I was in that situation what I experienced or what I felt was anger

and it was anger towards myself. It wasn't even anger or it wasn't, I was hurt obviously

but it wasn't as much hurt and pain that I was experiencing. It was more anger towards myself

because for one, I knew better and everything that I experienced in that, in that situation

I allowed, you know, I could have walked away a lot earlier on, but I didn't. And I stayed

and I held myself accountable and I was so angry with myself. I said, I have to do something

And the first step that I did, which is a very therapeutic exercise for me

is to write down all my thoughts. So I wrote down everything that I thought that I did in

that situation that was unhealthy and that was harmful to me. And once I had this list of 25,000

items i'm exaggerating by the way but once i had this list of items and and you know

unhealthy decisions that i made i was like wow and that was the one of the first steps for me

thank you very much you're welcome jay thank you shelley had a question too shelly what do you got

I was just wondering, beside the book, what are your future goals

Oh, thank you so much, Shelley, for asking that question. So this book is the first installment in

a three-part book series. So I'm finishing the other two book projects, and I am actually

right now working on a production to bring this these three books or this book series to film

I mean not film but well you know what I'm gonna speak it into existence but first theater um so I

have someone actually you know working with me creating a script to um to bring it to theater

and um yeah and and then so yeah so I'm simultaneously finishing out the other two books

and so yeah so these are the future projects um I just did a a table talk production that I

produced I was the executive I am the executive producer and um first time ever doing it and it

turned out amazing. And it's not out as of yet, but all of the participants, I had a few actresses

come and, you know, sit with us. They were like, we need to turn this into a podcast. I'm like

I don't know. I wasn't thinking about podcasts, but I don't know. Who knows? So that's a possibility

Shanice, would you mind putting the link for the book in the chat? So anyone who

Jake wants to know, is it available on audio? So anyone who's interested can find it

Yes, absolutely. So I'm not as technically savvy and I am working on a device

that I don't know how to operate my... Oh, okay. So can you text it to me and I can put it

If you text it to me, I'll be able to do it. Okay. So it's just, it's my website right now

So right now the book is... my website and you can place the order there

By next week, the book will be out on all of the e-platforms

I don't have audio as of yet, but audio will come before the end of the year

But next week it will be on all the electronic book platforms

I'm going to ask a technical question. Are you selling them directly from your website and then mailing them out

yes I'm shipping them I got questions about that that's later um so I just put your website right

in the site for anyone who's interested um has this process of writing and inspiring and helping

other people have been healing for you oh my gosh yes I am finding so much strength within myself

just talking about so much, but mainly about mental health, because that is something that is very, very important to me

Very important. I want to dispel the stigmas that are placed on mental health

There's so many of us that are dealing with it and we're too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it

and we won't get the help that we need. So anytime I get the opportunity to speak up

about mental health, I am. And to let people know there isn't a face for it

There isn't, you know, anyone can be dealing with it. You know, even someone that may look wealthy

The crisis in our country right now, the rates of depression and anxiety are through the roof

Yes, yes. So, yeah, so it's giving me strength and courage. and encourage, um, courage that I didn't even realize that I had. And, um, I am stepping out

and, and, and, you know, just really being brave and I'm proud of myself in that regard

Uh, the book is about healthy relationships that you mentioned. It starts with the healthy

relationship with yourself, but since writing this book, since, um, kind of having that realization

have you had a healthy relationship with with someone else well i haven't dated since then i

have been uber focused on um just uber focused on the books and the other projects surrounding it and

um in my career so and also i would be remiss if i didn't say this um

one thing that i did and another thing that's helping me and has helped me

in this process was kind of going back from when I was a child and doing the things that I've always

wanted to do and never did. And maybe some of the things that I did

I, as part of trying to, you know, further enjoy my own company and being able to enjoy me and be

okay with being alone, I started doing some, picking up some very healthy habits. I exercise

more now which is really good for the serotonin and dopamine for the mind and that has been

helping me it's been helping my my physical health and some underlying health issues that I've had

I've since then learned tennis I'm playing tennis um I discovered that I'm athletic I never realized

you know that no I didn't I was always a real girly girl and I just my purse and my lipstick

dick and stuff. I never realized that I was athletic until, you know, the last, um, almost

two years. And then, um, I box, I love boxing. I love that's good for the serotonin. What? And it's

Oh, I just love it. Get the adrenaline going. Yeah. Now you feel better. It's amazing

Right. You feel amazing. Poor punching bag, but, um, I punch the pads. They hold up the pads

oh okay I like that too right I actually like the pads better than the punching bag I love pads

yeah so so yeah so that and then I kind of got into improv and um wow I love improv and um and

I'm doing stand-up comedy now so that's amazing that takes a lot of courage um DeAndrea I hope

I'm saying your name right uh did you ever have moments where you were unmotivated in the process

of writing your book if so how'd you push through those moments let's see there were moments when I

had gotten writer's block and um I'm like oh my god oh my god oh my god and what I did in those

moments because it started to become discouraging I gave myself grace and said it's okay if you're

having a moment focus on something else focus on something else or do something else

and then give yourself a day or two and then try it again. And when I was having those moments

I gave myself grace, took the pressure off of me because I'm like, I write this book. I got to

finish this book. I want to finish it by such and such time. But I started giving myself grace in

those moments and, you know, just redirecting my focus and then come back to it at a later time

And then I'd be able to get right back into the swing of things. So yeah, so there were definitely

moments where I felt that way. I read something, these numbers are not correct, but it's somewhere

in these like ballpark or this extreme, but it said something like 79% of people want to write

a book, but only 1% of those 79% will actually do it. We'll actually finish. That number isn't

right, but it was something to that vein where it was like a lot of people want to do it and not a

lot of people actually follow through. So kudos. Gerald has a question as well. And we've missed

you gerald i'm so happy you're here i missed y'all too it's good to be back on yeah yeah

this is awesome um i'm just really enjoying listening to you uh just share your experiences

so far it's got me hyped like it makes me want to run right now

yeah so i just i was just curious um how did you feel when you finished writing your book

I'm going to be very honest with you. I didn't really, I didn't really take it in

And I've had so many people say, girl, you wrote a book

You're an author. And I'm like, yeah, okay. I don't know if it's just, I haven't reached that moment as of yet

and I wanted just to make sure that I was being very transparent

and very open. I should be a lot more excited about it

but I don't know, for some reason, I'm just, I'm not, I'm like, yeah, I did that

Now, you know, it's on to the next. And, but definitely this should be like

a huge highlight, you know, for me because this is a great accomplishment

because like Lauren said, you know, most people start but not finish or want to and not pursue it and i did it all the way through you know maybe it hit me in another week or so maybe tomorrow I don know but right now maybe that awesome though that amazing writing a book so I feel like you

such a hustler that you go from like okay writing the book now I gotta sell the book yeah it's very much like on to the next and you probably got that from being a single mom you

didn't have time to just be like okay let me celebrate it was always the next thing right

Lauren, yes, that is so true. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I just remember even sometimes, you know, when I tell my story, I'm just talking like, yeah, you know, I'm at school, I'm this and, you know, I was working two jobs

And I, it wasn't, and I'm going to be honest, it wasn't until maybe like four years ago when I was telling someone that, yeah, you know, we hadn't seen each other in years and we reconnected

connected and I was telling her you know just catching her up on life and she was like stop

celebrate yourself she said I don't think what I like that friend right and I'm still looking at

her like what are you talking about because like you said Lauren for me it's like I have to get up

I have to do it I have to go I just never really had the time to just sit and and relish in what I

didn't and celebrate and I think that I also think sometimes when it's your own life you're just

living it you're not like how amazing is my story right like this is just and I remember I did an

interview with a young girl she's 16 17 years old and she had a very bad stutter and she was

struggling with social anxiety because of it but she wanted to run for class president

and she ran for class president gave a speech with her stutter and won and she's telling me

sorry yeah I went yeah I ran for class president I wanted and it was like so nonchalant I'm like

wait what stop like that's amazing and she goes it is and that's like I feel that in you too like

you don't recognize the your own accomplishments because you're just you're just this is just you

living life and yeah you you've overcome so much you've persevered through so much you've um just

been incredibly resilient and you show up with a smile on your face and ready for the next challenge

and I think that's a real testament to who you are and to why you've been able to succeed but I also

think your friend is right just don't forget to celebrate you because there is a lot to celebrate

and when you really stop and look at your story and read your own story it is impressive and it

is incredible and I hope that you can see that even though you're so close to it yeah thank you

so much for that. I appreciate that. And thanks, Gerald, for that question and for that realization

Thank you. That was a wonderful epiphany. It just, yeah. Thanks to you both for that

Of course. And Jake wants to know a similar question. How do you celebrate the little

wins? Example, today I finished a chapter. Well, I do like to eat. So I'm here in Atlanta

Georgia and we have some great restaurants here I'm sorry I'm a girl right I'm from Miami Florida

good food there I am from Miami Florida born and raised um I just you know moved to Atlanta a few

years ago sorry Miami but Atlanta got some really good restaurants so I treat myself to you know

I'll do like a, an appetizer or something, or, you know, I'll treat myself to a nice meal

And, um, that's kind of like how I celebrate or, um, I just discovered that I really like

my soaking tub. So I like that. That's how I would celebrate

Put some candles on. Let me chill. Yes. I'm like, I have deprived myself all these years

this soaking tub thing is wonderful i brought my little ipad up and i watched some outlander

i've i've been binge watching outlander which i love jamie freezer i don't know if anyone watches

outlander it's a really good show on netflix love it i don't know it yeah um

a question that she wants to ask at this time d'andrea have i been saying your name right

is it dandrea yes all right yeah like yeah because like i have like a whole story with my mom

like if she's like it's dandrea but i prefer dandrea's fine i like d anyway but okay so um

my question is is like okay as a single mom myself and i work and i'm trying to like

I'm trying to do all these different things for everyone else. It's so hard for me to like take time for myself because it's like

I feel bad for it because it's like, it's like I already work a job where I'm of service to everyone

And it's like, I take care of my kids. I go sit with elderly lady

like with a elderly lady that I grew up with in church is like

I feel like if I ever stopped to like, really just take a moment for myself that I'm going to let everybody down or who's going to

check on these people if I'm not doing it and it's like I have like so many things that I've started

but it's like finishing is just so hard and it's like how like as a single mom how did you like

manage that because a lot of things that you said like they resonate with me because like

that's currently like my life and like where I'm striving to like I literally just hit like a

different seasons of my life so it's like how did you how did you work with that how did you

you know like take out time for you but also like make sure everybody else is straight even though

it's not necessarily your duty but because it's like in your heart to do it like how did you how

did you how you did what you did basically i'm just gonna be very honest with you i'm very

similarly to you, I was the person who, I want to say I was the matriarch of my family, but I was

definitely the person who my family kind of came to for everything. And I'm not just talking about

my immediate family. And because I love my family and I love my friends, my loved ones

I was the person who was there just, oh, I can help you with this. Oh, I can do this. When they

came to me asking for help or needing help, or even sometimes me just offering the help

And, um, and people just kind of became, you know, I want to say dependent upon me, but

they just always came to me and because they knew that they can get whatever it is that

they needed for me until one day I got, you know, a not so great health report and it

was all stress related and it was connected to depression and all of these things and I had to

say it's either me or them and I was the person who would just give give give give give give give

so much of myself so I was depleted so I didn even have energy sometimes and um and I had to say Hey girl you need to start putting yourself first Like it good You know you have a big heart and

you want to help people and stuff like that. You know, that's, that's okay. But you want to be

here. You want to be around to see your son, you know, reach a certain age, because if we don't

put a hard pause on these things, it will start to affect our physical health

I am a living witness to that because I experienced it. So I started having to say no

I started having to create boundaries. And creating boundaries and saying no is one thing

But the most challenging part about it is enforcing them. So people will get upset with me

I've lost friends. I've lost, you know, close family relationships because I decided to finally put myself first

I finally decided, you know, I'm sorry, I can't do this. I don't have the mental bandwidth for it

I don't have the mental bandwidth to help you with, you know, trying to figure this thing out

I'm sorry, I'm tired. I can't take you or I can't do this

Just learn to say no without an explanation, mostly. and um yeah so it that's again something that starts with us and it's showing more self-love

for ourselves you know well showing self-love and extending grace to ourselves so that's how

I started it's not an easy thing to do and I didn't lose some some friendships and some

relationships but I chose me at the end of the day and I chose me because I need to be here for my son

thank you because i'm not not gonna lie like it is like for me everything affects my mental health

because i've always dealt with mental health first before i had kids like i have a bachelor

in psychology and i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 anxiety and depression but i don't i don't like

taking medicine so it's like i learned how to like balance certain things but it's just

okay like I set boundaries I said no but I always feel like say no the explanation or it's like

maybe next time or like give a false hope when it's like I really don't want to do that

yeah so thank you thank you yeah I'm telling you that was the best thing I could have ever done for

myself I wish I wish I had done it a lot longer you know before but that is the best thing I could

have ever, ever done for myself. I'm in such a better place mentally than I was before back then

And it's definitely helped me. Even my health has improved along with the exercising and things

like that. So I have more time to focus on, you know, healthier, healthier yourself. You're

following your own advice. Yes. Being kind to me. So now you understand where that theory comes from

And it is important. I'm going to go to Jess. Thank you for the question, DeAndrea

Jessica has a question too. Jessica, what you got? Welcome. Can you guys hear her? I can't hear you

No, I can't. No, I can't hear her. Uh-oh. Hello? Yes, we got you now

Okay. Good evening, everyone. Good evening. I'm super excited that I joined

I know Lauren sends out these emails about these weekly meetings and I'm always working. I just so

happen to say, let me see if there's a meeting tonight. It was 6 55. And so, um, I'm also a

single mom. And so you and I had, our stories are very similar. Um, as far as being a young

single mom, I became a single mom at 19 was in a domestic violence relationship. And so our stories

are super similar. And so I was actually I have a full time job, but then I drive Uber on the side

And so at 655, I was like, let me see if there's a meeting. And I was like, you know what

I'm going to stop driving, and I'm going to go and I'm going to be a part of this meeting

And I'm so glad that I did. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Super empowering

um super inspirational so much so that I was definitely listening to everything that you were

saying I was like rooting you on while you were speaking but then I even started to write like you

inspired me to like start writing some things about um the white knight syndrome which is

something that I struggled with forever the constant always wanting to save everyone else

And I'm in this where I'm like, okay, Jessica, now it's time for you

Now it's time for you to heal. Now it's time for you to tell your story. So to hear where you have come from and how you have progressed, how you've persevered

is super inspiring to know that, you know, single moms, we do have our struggles and

challenges, but it's not always going to be that way. And we are going to come out of it

And we have to use, you know, the skills and the talents that we have to, you know, reach

other people. I love how you walk around with envelopes. That was super touching for me because you're absolutely right

Listen, $25 when you're a single mom, that goes a long way

And so I just think that you have such a big heart. And I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and for being a person of empowerment

and encouragement. So thank you so much. And Lauren, thank you. I know I'm always messaging you, thanking you for the platform that you have created

for all of us. But I really do appreciate you all. And I love the family that we have, the connection and just motivating one another

It's it's super empowering and the place that I'm at in my life. So thank you, everyone

I'm so glad you feel that way. Very empowering. Yeah, I agree. I'll let Shanice respond. We're all saying thank you because it's so sweet at the same time

Yeah, thank you so much. I'm really like just fighting back the tears

you don't even know how you just, how all of you are empowering me and encouraging me to just

you know, just to keep talking and to keep, keep going and to keep moving forward and just to keep

telling my story because something that I, a saying that I adopted along the way is my life

is not my own. I don't want nothing that I've ever been through to be in vain, like nothing

Like we can all learn from each other. We all have something to contribute to this world, even if it's not anything tangible, just sharing our stories

You know, you never know what a person is going through. They can be going through the same thing

And you sharing your story and sharing that moment may be the answer to the problem that they have or the resolve to an issue that they're dealing with

so I'm just this is empowering me and encouraging me to just keep going and just to keep

telling my story so I appreciate each and every one of you so much I don't take it lightly at all

as you as you as your wife kind of walks into the light you becoming a light for other people And I think I told you this Janice that the tagline for the unsealed is turn your secrets

into superpowers. And it's that idea that those painful moments, those struggles that we've been

through, those things that we like feel embarrassed or shameful to tell people when we put it out

there, it turns into a superpower because it's healing and inspiring and a roadmap for someone

else. And it's healing for ourselves too. So those secrets, those painful things become our

superpowers. Our story is our superpower. And then it represents not only where we came from

but what we've overcome. And Jessica, like you're writing your story right now, but like you are

doing it. You are hustling. You are doing what you need to get done. You're showing up here to

to get inspiration, to fight even harder. So like your story is being told and you should be proud

too just as much as you say we're empowering us we're empowering you you're empowering us too

because you're you're fighting you're you're you're pushing forward and you're you're on your

way to your greatness as well everyone is yeah gerald i love you thank you yeah yes yeah and

truth is power right the truth is power that is truth yes true i said that the only thing more

powerful and the powerful is the truth that's why they want to sign ndas at big companies

the truth right like that's the only thing that can really take people down is the truth and

but um but yeah that was really really really sweet and i'm so glad you're here jessica but

you're making me so nervous every time you look at the camera because i want you to look at the

what what surprises you most about your own story or inspires you most about your own story

Shanice well what surprised me the most was after I had that list of 25 million items

of horrible decisions that I made in that relationship but um I'm like wow I went through

this? I allowed this? Like, okay. All right. So how do we make this right? So that was probably

the most surprising thing for me throughout this entire project. And what was the second part of

your question? What inspires you most about your own story? The fact that I walked away

the fact that I let go and um there were so many reasons for me to have stayed

but there were greater reasons for me to leave and the fact that

I left and didn't look back was like wow girl you really are strong like you really got it

and um because I just never thought that I could and I did and I did

hey I am so inspired by you so proud of you and so excited for your book um Girl Let Go or Be

Dragged and if anyone has any questions about where they can get it they could also um message

me because I'm sure you will send me the link and I can post it in our newsletter and on our social

media. Super excited for you. DeAndrea says, I feel like I found my tribe. Welcome to our little

family. We are happy that you're here and we're so happy that you came, Janice, tonight. We love

hearing your story. I love what you're doing. I love the envelopes and your heart and your soul

and your hustle and your unsealed family has your back. Thank you so much and you guys inspire me as

well I'm just super excited to be here to be a part of this group to be a part of this family

let me let me correct myself to be a part of this family and um now that my my book launch stuff is

behind me I can focus more on other things that are important to me and this is one thing that is

because once I first when I first learned about it I was like sign me up now I'm telling you like

it didn't even take me not even a minute after I read the whole, like the concept and everything

I was like, yeah. So I love what you're doing. Oh my gosh. I love what you're doing. And, um

this is, this is helping so many people. And I am telling everybody about it. Like every person

that I speak to, I'm like, Hey, you know, there's this, you know, this group that you should join

so so yeah so appreciate you um Shanice if people want to reach you can they follow you somewhere

yeah and don't talk about me because I'm not a technically savvy person and I'm not good with

social media you told me it today and I forgot it already yeah so I am I'm just giving a disclaimer

before especially this week so it's girl.let.go girl.let.go yes girl.let.let okay that's your

Instagram yes that's it there you go and I also got her website is just her uh her name Shanice

Tuesday, which I, if anybody can't find something, just message me. Um, and Jake also one more

question. He wants to know what's your non-negotiable for a future relation for a future

relationship if, and when you get in one. Yes. So thank you. That's a really good question

I'm still working on that, but what I have so far is, um, just respecting my boundaries

and if I can say anything to any of you once we set our boundaries and if there's a person that

challenges our boundaries even in the slightest and we know it and we know it's reasonable and

it's a sensible boundary and it's challenged we might want to reconsider the friendship or the

connection with that person so that is something that I've started you know implementing into my

life right now with all relationships if i say to you hey i don't have the mental bandwidth to

handle this right now can we table it and speak about it at a later time or hey i don't like what

you said this to me could you please not say this to me ever again and if the next line from that

person is yeah but no is there's no yeah but there's no but you know we're respecting boundaries

here so starting out with my my list of non-negotiables that's probably the the first

item and the item that is at the top of the list and probably will remain at the top of the list

i used to say that like i have a circle of peace and if you disrupt my peace you got to go

and i remember there was someone he didn't do anything so bad he was just inconsistent didn't

know what he wanted i was like found like i can't do this anymore you're disrupting my peace and and i was just like you're you're being removed from the circle of peace because you're

disrupting my piece. And he was like, huh? What? I'm like, you're out

That's it. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Unimpossable. And another thing. Sacred. Yes

And another thing is, you know, I know I talked about mental health a little bit earlier

If this is a if I connect with a person and they don't take mental health seriously

or, you know, they're a person who do not want to educate themselves on it

I can't deal with it. I worked or volunteered at a conference earlier this year with Michelle

Williams of destiny's child. And yeah, it was, Oh my gosh. It would talk about transparency. Oh my goodness

She set me free and so many other people there at that conference free

um I was going through something during that time and um some you know just some health scare and

you know just a whole bunch of a couple of things just life life and and um and I was like I need

some more help like I'm going to therapy I'm doing these things I'm trying to be preventive of

anything else happening and um and I'm like I need more and I'm like what can I do like what

what is there for me? And she got up there and she talked about how

she had reached a moment where she just couldn't take anymore and she had entered into a rehab

And I like rehab I like I thought rehab was just for substance abuse abuse and things like that And um and then I discovered no there rehab for intensive therapy You can go and check in

for a few days and get intensive therapy overnight. And, you know, for a few days or however long your

insurance will pay for it. And I found out insurance pays for it. So I was like, Michelle

girl thank you for that you know because whenever or if ever I was to really get to that point at

least I know I have that yeah I don't have to you know go off into the deep end I could you know

I could go to rehab and and get myself some intensive therapy so um so yeah so if it's a

a person, it's the guy who does not, you know, respect mental health, I'm sorry, mental health

or, you know, therapy and things like that. I, that's a non-negotiable for me. I was judgmental

about it. I can't. That's almost an emotional unavailability to be like judgmental about mental

health, right? Right. Right. I want to talk about your emotion. Exactly. So it's the

their level of emotional intelligence which is very important I mean mental health is similar Like I say like do whatever there different modes to manage your mental health There therapy there writing there art there music

there's different forms of expression, but like expressing yourself in one form or another

letting your emotions out is like exercising, right? Like if there's, you don't have to be sick to exercise

and it makes you feel better, right? Like mental health is a constant

um, there's constant maintenance that comes with that. There's constant work that comes with that

Just like keeping our physical bodies healthy. There's daily work that we put in. We eat, right

We work out. We, you know, don't do substance abuses. We don't take drugs, right? There's

there's things we proactively do to keep our bodies healthy. And I think there's things you

proactively need to do to keep your body healthy and at different points of our life, depending on

what we're going through or how we're feeling or where our hormones are. Um, yeah, different levels

of these things. We need different, um, we need different things to manage our mental health, but

it's the same as physical health. It's just a different form. Yeah. We should always be cognizant

of Well thank you so so much for coming tonight Shanice Um girl let it go or get contract um right yes it it girl let go or be oh be dragged sorry i got that right a girl getting played or playing herself

yes there we go got some accountability up in there girl don't play yourself girl

love it love it i'm gonna unmute everyone so they could say good night and thank you but thank you

so much for coming. You are amazing. Beautiful. You are inspiring. So I really appreciate you

coming and sharing your story with our community. And I'm excited to check out the book

Yes. And thank you for having me. Of course. And again, we will put it in the

unsealed newsletter on our social media. So you guys can check it out that way

or you can also message me and I will get any, any necessary links from Shanice

yes thank you all so much thank you for your words of encouragement your bravery for it all

so i'm just i'm here i'm thank you thank you as well thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you good night stay safe jessica

bye thank