Creators Taryn Delanie Smith and Kay Poyer on the insecurity no one talks about after going viral

I just don't want people to think I don't deserve to be here

Yes. Because I want to be here so bad. I got really tired of being pigeonholed as like funny video girl

Do you consider yourself an influencer? I hate the word. I know! That's why I'm asking

What do you say? Welcome to the very first episode of Creator to Creator

Mashable's new series where we get two of our favorite creators in the room together to have a conversation about your journeys on the internet

What feels the most surreal about your life lately? You just said something so cute when we walked in

I have like a farm now, which if any real farmers are watching this, they're going to be like, if you ain't got cows, you ain't got no farm

I have chickens. And to me, being born and raised in cities, that is a big deal for me

I think it's really cool. And I make no bones about the fact that being a creator has opened so many doors for me

It's like I would not have been able to financially buy a home if it weren't for this industry

So I'm really grateful. I'm so grateful to my community, people consuming and watching my stuff

and supporting the stuff that I do has allowed me to have this dream

and have a safe home for myself and my family. And that means a lot to me

And your chickens. And my chickens. And my chickens. Black people be farming. Like, let's go. Hell yeah

Can I ask, is each individual chicken getting names? Yes. Princess Diana

Edward Cluckin', Chickalas Cage, and Giuseppe Salvatore are their names. Everybody give me a..

because i feel like that's kind of where the line gets just some people like i can't name them ever

and then some people they're like well because they're gonna eat them i'm not gonna eat mine

right yeah i just enjoy their eggs yeah you know and they're older chickens so i like they're like

they're in their retirement home basically oh my gosh i got like i only got them a couple months

ago and they're already like five years old yeah so they're they're old divas old divas that is so

thank you and i okay you just moved to new york i did i just moved here so they told me bushwick

is a small town i did not know that that means the stylist on set is actually really good judy's

with your roommate and her boyfriend because they all work together at the same restaurant

and also one of her good judy's is a kid you had spanish class with in texas 10 years ago

also he's on set today it's been really really chaotic since i got here because i mean there

were so many like i took a work trip here last or like during the summer and i met a bunch of

people and all of them were like well when you live here let us know and then now all of that

has kind of been coming to fruition um so yeah it's kind of just a bunch of stuff that will be

like coming out over the next year two years um so i guess right now it's just like the work work

work period of time but then i'm also trying to be like outside all the time because i feel like i

don't want to miss i need to see everything so it's a big adjustment but it's i'm really happy

to be here and i miss texas but like not that much you know what i mean yeah because it's still

texas much love but it's still texas yeah you're in this like brand new journey yeah well i mean

like growing up like very like disembodied like i had no idea what i wanted to do but i was like

one of those people not from here that's like, I just want to live in New York. Yeah, exactly

You know? Yeah. And then the first time it just, like, really didn't work out

Because I do think 18, like, in New York on your own is nuts

That is nuts. So you first moved here at 18. Yeah, I did. For college

So it was, like, kind of fake. And, you know, I looked like it doesn't count. Like, four colleges didn't count to me. Okay

Heard. Yeah, I mean, it's just, like, going back was more of a choice

And I did, like, put effort into building a life that I enjoyed there. And until all this happened, I kind of just assumed I was going to stay there forever

So yeah, I mean, I have a lot of really good people back home, but all of them want to end up here too

Yeah. They just have to figure out how. Yeah, you're like, you guys got to come to me. Yeah, yeah, come figure it out

So I'm hoping I can start, or I guess not start, because I've met a million people from Texas since I've been here

It's kind of nuts. Yeah, like Texas, North Carolina. I don't know what that is. Every other person I meet

Seattleites, where you at? I've been looking for you. I met like two of you since I moved here I haven met a single one Literally not Seattleites No but I know we out here we under rocks we we around don be embarrassed to be from seattle you guys say it loud and proud yeah they packing in the coffee shops is what happening they only come

out when it's raining that's so you know you're seattle i know a little bit okay very cursory

knowledge that's all you need to know right you actually have it just right that's all okay perfect

well i meet everyone from ohio i'm from illinois so all the midwestern folks i know a lot of people

from Ohio. I have to say, Midwesterners are genuinely my favorite people

in the world. Chicago was like, the first time I went to Chicago, I was like, oh

everybody here is the sweetest person I've ever met. Yeah. Because I feel like we get the rep for being nice, and we're

not. Texans? No. You don't find Texans nice? I don't. Why? Well, because

everything is shady. You know what I mean? Really? Bless your heart

Bless your heart, yes. And I had someone say that to me as a joke

for the day and I was like, you can't, that's not, that doesn't mean what you think it means. You don't have to explain that one

to people. But I don't know. I feel like everyone I met in Chicago was

genuinely, like, there was one layer and it was all sweet. You know? Yeah. If I could live anywhere

that's where it would be. I was just, I was, before this I had another

interview and the gal interviewing me was from the Midwest. And I said literally the

same thing. I was like, oh that makes sense you're from there because you're so sweet. Yeah. Well intentioned I think is like the best

way. Like truly, Midwesterners like literally just want you to feel good about yourself when they say hi to you they're just like

how are you that's so midwestman how are you really good i'm like yes i'm fine and seattleites are so

like why do you want to know yeah you know like i love that shit there's seattleites are very

suspicious very thick so because you guys are both in new spaces how has it influenced your content

I mean, honestly, it's been a lot of stuff like off of TikTok and off of I do feel like I'm putting more work into my Instagram because I ignored it

I didn't have Instagram at all growing up. Like I was not a part of that generation at all because I was not allowed

But yeah, I don't know. I feel like right now it's honestly just a lot of off the internet

because that's really the goal for me is to push like my writing and acting more

So yeah, it's just going to be stuff that people aren't going to see for a while

But it is really exciting. So right now the content like TikTok, I'm kind of just like back to saying whatever

Like, I don't know. I've been really running my mouth on TikTok again lately because I was quiet for a while

What is going on with us and Poole right now? Hopefully it'll help me

Hopefully it won't hurt me, but we'll see. we'll see honestly same i'm loving acting and writing yeah and um of course like i'm very

grateful that tiktok and nishan have given me mediums to like make skits and characters and

i mean it's this great equalizer pay attention before i turn your cargo pants into compost now

when i was growing up the idea of like well if you want to be an actor you're gonna have to do

all these things to get in front of a camera yeah and now i i recognize that not everyone

loves this aspect of it i'm sure and i whatever it's okay i'm really loving the fact that um i've

gotten to fall so much deeper in love with that medium and with acting and um living outside of

the city has been really good because for me um i feel like i have more time like when you don't

live in the city which don't get me wrong i love new york city you will never catch me saying a bad

think about in New York City. But when you're not in the city, there's nothing calling you to, like

step outside and run around or, like, go, right? Right? If I want to go to a cafe or a restaurant

I'm going to have to get in my car and drive to one. Yeah. Yeah. Downside. Upside to that, though

is when I have 2 p.m. and my last meeting is done and I have time, I can choose how I spend that

time. And I'm generally, like, writing more. And I just, I'm spending more time on my craft. And so

For me, it's actually helped me kind of re-fall in love with being in front of the camera

I think it's easy to get a little jaded when you're like, here we go again. We're getting in front of the camera again. Yeah

And so for me, it's been really fun to have fun with stuff. And yeah, and be really intentional about like

okay, I'm gonna try this thing. I'm gonna do this thing. It been really cool And the house is pushing me to do that too because so much of my old content used to be all around living in New York City Come enjoy another morning with me and my city gal

New York City is so easy to make content about and in and around. And so I've had to push myself a little bit more to expand

And that's been really, really fun. Does it ever, can I ask, because this is something I'm kind of contending with right now

Oh my gosh, talk, tell me. The whole like being an influencer kind of makes it easier to get into those spaces

and I don't like I don't feel bad because I feel like it does we put work

into like building the platform to be able to do that and that is the system

but there are definitely moments sometimes where like you know I get involved

in a project and I'm like this is literally something I've never done and I have no idea how this works and like

I don't know how it's gonna go and all of these people like this is what they do

you know what I mean like does that ever feel weird to you? Well everyone starts

somewhere right And everyone begins somewhere. And it's funny you would say this because this is something that actually is so cool

We're talking about this because I feel like I don't talk about it very often. But like I remember the first set I was ever on

I was like a guest star on Harlem. Yeah. And I hadn't been nervous about something in such a long time, but I was so nervous to go to set

And when I really investigated these feelings, I was like, I just don't want people to think I don't deserve to be here

Yes. Yeah. Because I want to be here so bad. Yeah. And I really do think if I had time, I could be really good at this

Yeah. And I know I can do this. Yeah. But I am so afraid that people are going to think I'm bad

Yeah. And the reason why I'm here, the only reason why I'm here is because of X, Y, Z

And then I got on set. Everybody was so freaking kind to me

Grace Byers, shout out to you, Grace. She was so nice. She took the time to explain things to me when the set was turning

And she could see I was kind of a deer in headlights. And I'm like, oh, a set's turning. What does that mean? And she really, like, touched my arm and she was like, do you know what's happening here

And I was like, I think I do. She was here. And she just really quietly said it

Megan Good was so, so, so kind to me and so sweet. And I had said something like, I think we're in hair and makeup

And I was like, yeah, I'm new. I'm new. And they were just like, you don't need to, like, open up with that

You belong here. You're doing a good job. And you realize that one of the cool things about what we do as a creative, it is so hard to get in the room

And so many people come from so many different backgrounds. Yeah. A lot of people, you'd be shocked sometimes to find out the person across the room from you had the background that they do or whatever

Maybe this person did go to Juilliard. All right, cool, makes sense, I gotcha

But maybe the person over here didn't. And realizing that I've found it's a lot louder in your own head

Yeah, for sure. It's a fear in your own head thinking, I want to be here, I want to deserve to be here

Do I deserve to be here? That's louder in your head. yeah granted there will be people along the way that might echo that fear and that hurts

uh it's always hurtful you know and the good thing i i feel like with any kind of like insecurity

stuff like that i always just kind of think like genuinely no one is thinking about you for more

than like the two seconds they're looking at you and then they're moving on fair enough yeah but

it's so funny too like i'll worry about that but then the second i actually do like come against

somebody who feels that like any kind of like or whatever it immediately like it weirdly gives me

more confidence because you're like oh yeah I don't care you know what I mean so I think it's

a very new industry still and I feel like even though it's like an established system for doing

like sponsored content or whatever like the stuff we do to make money I do kind of feel like every

like internet creator is still just kind of like paving a new little way and like figuring it out

you know um but that is also something I really like about New York is I've met so many people on

random sense being like yeah I just kind of like lied about credentials and started getting these

jobs but I'm really good at it you know what I mean and that's like I don't know that's really

chic to me yeah I think it's really fun I met this one girl she was like she was a set designer

on a photo shoot that I did and she goes yeah right now I'm graffiting the walls of this candy

shop in Manhattan because the lady was looking for a graffiti artist and I just said I could do it

but she really loves my work so far and I was like that's that's I don't know that's everything to me

That's amazing. I feel like whenever I feel a little bit of imposter syndrome which is what you guys are kind of describing I always think of that Jemima Kirk quote that like I think you guys are thinking about yourselves too much Okay no damn But it really genuinely helpful advice

It is. It gets me out of my own head. And ironically, what you said, so okay, so I was in an acting class once

and keeping in mind, I have that kind of narrative that I was fighting in my head for a while

of like, I want to deserve to be here. I think I deserve to be here, right? Yeah. That

And I was in an acting class and of course, I don't walk into a class and be like, do you know, guess what I do

I'm a content creator. So none of us had ever talked or shared who we were or what we did

And so one gal, we were just having a conversation with the teacher, and she raised her hand, and she went off on a small rant

If you're ever watching this, it's okay. It's all right. It's all right

Tiva, I see you. Just, like, how annoying she found people with a following

coming into the acting industry was to her. And I, of course, I didn't say anything

I listened to her and listened to her and listened to her, And I remember there was a little pang in your heart that's like, ah, if you knew that I'm me sitting next to you, I would still be waitressing if it wasn't for content creating

I didn't have, I don't want to say it wouldn't have been possible for me, but it would have been much more difficult to waitress

And I wouldn't have known how to begin. And so, you know, I understand that the vehicle, the way that I got here is frustrating to you

But the more I listened to her, the more that I was like, but also, honestly, two things can be true at once

I can honor and respect the fact that you went to an acting school

And this is frustrating for you, the way that I came into this space

And it feels unfair. And I can hold space for that and be like, all right, I'm not going anywhere

And I'm not going to quit. And I want to work with you

Like, actually, like, I want to work with you. And so I can still honor how you're feeling and recognize there's a lot of shit that doesn't feel fair in the industry for a lot of different reasons

I mean, I can't tell you. I was told once that they just wanted to go with somebody

You weren't the ethnicity they were looking for. And I remember being like, okay, there are so many things like that that don't feel fair

They're not fair. And yet we continue to work in the space

We continue to want to take up space. and so in the same way that I wish the best for her

and I hope that she gets everything she wants out of the industry and I know she will because she's really really talented

two things can be true at once I don't have to take that personally I can just be like you know what

you're allowed to feel that way I can have some compassion for how you're feeling

without deciding I don't deserve to be here because I want to be here

I feel like there's a broader part of that that I've kind of been working on digesting

lately where like sometimes you're just going to have, like, conflicting needs in once with somebody else

And I feel like there was a big part of my brain for a long time that, like, felt guilty about that

Or, like, I don't know. And it's not, like, people pleasing. Or maybe it is

I don't know. Like, something else. But now I think I'm, like, very much in a time of trying to just be comfortable with the fact that, like

we need two completely opposite things. And they don't work together. And that's kind of okay

um and I think also like I don't know with this with like content creation in particular

my brain does get very like I don't know like I feel like I understand the mechanics of like

there's an there's an appeal to putting an influencer on a set because it's like promo

do you know what I mean like they're kind of like it's built-in advertising and then I think about

that too and I'm like you know we spend all of this time like there's all of these little skills

that you have to put together to be able to do this consistently. And you, I think especially as like women doing this

like you really can't show up to set like hair in a bun, no makeup in sweatpants

Like you have to look right. You have to be able to turn it on. You have to do all these different things

And so when I think about it that way too, I'm like, I don't know. I know. I'm actually kind of

this is probably splitting hairs and semantics, but do you consider yourself an influencer

You know, that's, I like, I hate the word. I know. that's why I'm asking

not because if you were like hell yeah I'm an influencer I'd be like alright do you

I don't necessarily like what do you say I I I okay