Up next in 10
In this episode, I share one of the hardest and most personal experiences of my life: watching my dad battle cancer for 15 years and eventually having to say goodbye. Shannon and I talk about cancer, grief, caregiving, family, and what faith looks like when prayers are not answered the way we hoped. I reflect on the strength of my father, the quiet sacrifice of my mother as his caregiver, and my greatest struggle with faith and forgiving God.
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Kent Rollins
Cowboy Cooking, Cast Iron, Outdoor Cooking, Grilling, Dutch Oven Cooking
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0:00
When all this happened again,
0:02
I say it was probably the first time in
0:03
my life I'd ever been mad at God. Why
0:05
could you let this happen
0:07
when we need him so bad, his strength,
0:10
his whistle. Why would you let this
0:12
happen, God? And I kept that mentality
0:16
until he passed away.
0:22
>> [music]
0:23
>> Howdy, my name is Kent Rollins. I've
0:26
been a cowboy and a chuck wagon cook for
0:28
over 30 years,
0:29
>> [music]
0:29
>> cooking for ranches all across America.
0:31
You might have seen me on the Food
0:33
Network or alongside my beautiful wife
0:35
Shannon on our YouTube show where we
0:37
share cowboy cooking from the trail.
0:39
[music] But now we're going to take you
0:40
behind the scenes to real campfire
0:43
conversations. [music] Join us as we
0:45
share humor, cowboy wisdom, and stories
0:47
full of history, heart, faith, and of
0:50
course, a little fire. So grab you a cup
0:52
of coffee, pull up a chair, and welcome
0:55
[music] to the podcast.
1:01
Thank y'all so much for joining us. It
1:03
is a great day to be alive again today,
1:05
sugar, especially with a beautiful woman
1:07
by my side and a sleeping schnauzer.
1:09
>> I don't know about beautiful, but I did
1:10
shower today, so that helped. But um
1:13
yeah, it's good it's good to sit down,
1:15
share stories,
1:15
>> Yes.
1:16
>> but also share the stories of people
1:19
that you've known throughout the years,
1:20
and especially the people that have
1:22
shaped you to who you are. And one of
1:25
those people, obviously, is your dad.
1:27
>> Yeah, I mean,
1:29
my dad was a farrier.
1:31
>> And for people who don't know what a
1:32
farrier is, that's a horseshoer.
1:33
>> Yeah, and you take a lot of horseshoes,
1:36
and you can sort of mold them and make
1:38
them into something with a little
1:40
beating. Did I get a little beating that
1:42
time? Maybe not enough, but uh he molded
1:45
me into what I was,
1:47
you know, but my dad taught me a lot of
1:49
things, Shan. And if y'all will join us
1:52
today, I will not only tell you what he
1:54
taught me through by living, but what he
1:57
taught me by dying.
1:59
>> So, Kent, start us off. Who was your
2:01
dad?
2:02
>> Well,
2:03
my dad was a twin. His name was Ernest
2:05
and he had a sister named Ernestine.
2:08
Born and went through the depression,
2:10
the Dust Bowl, hard times. They were
2:12
poor as dirt and there was a lot of dirt
2:15
back then.
2:16
>> They lived in a half-dugout, didn't
2:17
they?
2:18
>> Yeah, he started out in a half-dugout
2:19
and people don't know what that is. It's
2:21
just dug back in the side of a bank or a
2:23
cliff, you know? And not a whole lot to
2:26
it. And it's got
2:28
dirt as the floor, dirt as the ceiling,
2:31
dirt as the walls, you know? And
2:35
I remember Daddy's sister ain't minding
2:37
telling me one time. She said, "I used
2:39
to think we was really good people till
2:40
we lived in that half-dugout and then I
2:42
thought we was poor."
2:44
You know, and it's it taught I think it
2:46
taught them lessons.
2:48
>> I want people to understand
2:51
because I think where your family or
2:54
where your dad grew up and where your
2:56
kind of family was
2:58
in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl and
3:00
that in itself is very formative. When I
3:04
lived in Oklahoma, I'm from Nevada. I
3:07
moved to Oklahoma. We're married. We're
3:09
living where you grew up.
3:12
And I realized that this Dust Bowl
3:16
mentality still exists in that area. And
3:19
what I mean is that people, whether they
3:21
realize it or not, kind of have this
3:24
tough grittiness to them. Like just get
3:27
in, do it, um
3:29
live simply, hard work, get through hard
3:33
times. And I think generationally that
3:36
has moved through.
3:38
>> I hope so. You know, my dad told me said
3:40
one time we were watching a movie on TV
3:43
and it was True Grit was the name of it.
3:46
He said, "We had that." I said, "What
3:49
you talking about?" He said, "We had
3:50
true grit during the Dust Bowl. We had
3:52
it in our eyes. We had it in our teeth.
3:55
We had it in our nose. We had it in
3:56
everywhere we went, you know?" Uh the
3:58
Dust Bowl was something that just didn't
4:01
affect one family down there, you know?
4:02
It was a broad, wide area from the Texas
4:05
Panhandle, southeastern Colorado, all
4:08
the way through parts of Oklahoma and
4:09
Kansas. And it was devastating.
4:11
>> Mhm.
4:11
>> You know, there was a lot of lives lost,
4:13
people that struggled through this that
4:15
committed suicide. A lot of people
4:16
picked up and left, went to California.
4:19
Mine stuck it out. Some of that grit is
4:22
still in my blood.
4:23
>> Yeah.
4:23
>> You know, some of that try, some of that
4:25
hope, some of that never give up is
4:27
there.
4:28
>> Well, like personality-wise, what was
4:30
your dad like?
4:31
>> He was a very sort of outgoing person in
4:34
a way, pretty jolly. Uh he loved to play
4:37
a practical joke if he got the chance.
4:39
But he loved to work. And by that,
4:41
[clears throat] I mean he loved to watch
4:42
you work, too.
4:44
>> Oh.
4:45
>> Uh
4:45
we grew up knowing that you had job to
4:48
do, you know? And it may not be the most
4:50
pleasant job in the world. You You may
4:52
be digging holes in the rocks, you know,
4:54
to set fence post. Uh
4:56
tons and tons of hay we hauled. And he
4:59
was such a a big man, you know, 6' 2" or
5:02
3",
5:03
255, 260, and it wasn't fat. It was just
5:07
a lot of muscle. Very well respected in
5:10
the community, but it due to
5:12
I think all of rural America down there
5:14
at that time was the work ethic of
5:16
people and how they cared for each
5:18
other.
5:19
>> And it's very agriculturally based.
5:21
>> And you rely on each other
5:24
>> Yeah.
5:25
>> to for the community, for the work. What
5:28
I also find super interesting about go
5:32
going living in the west as I did and
5:34
moving to the central plains, maybe even
5:37
kind of considered the southern area,
5:39
everybody has a nickname. And what's
5:41
funny is a lot of people don't even know
5:43
each other's real names.
5:45
I mean, you've got Spud, you've got you
5:48
were tutor.
5:49
>> Yeah.
5:50
dog.
5:51
dog.
5:52
>> Turkey red.
5:53
>> Amazing names. So, your dad's name was
5:55
Ernest. He never went by Ernest. What
5:57
did he go by?
5:58
>> When he was little, 3 or 4 years old,
5:59
they called him Ernest.
6:01
You know, and they'd they'd went over to
6:03
visit and I I love for him to tell the
6:05
story. I'd get her to tell it every year
6:07
at Christmas, you know.
6:08
We was over at Aunt Tilly's house.
6:11
And she lived in a half dugout, also.
6:15
And we was over and it come time to go
6:17
home.
6:18
And she said,
6:20
Mama looked over at Ernest and said,
6:23
"Get up from out of that dirt floor
6:26
and let's go home." Well, he didn't he
6:28
wasn't ready. He was playing something.
6:30
Well, then he got to crying.
6:32
And she said, "Now, look at you. Look at
6:34
them tears and all that dirt on your
6:36
face. Use some more them tears and wash
6:39
your face."
6:41
From that moment on, they called him
6:43
Wash Rollins, w a s h. I know a lot of
6:46
times you think it I say it and it's got
6:48
a r in it, you know.
6:49
>> you put an r like washing machine.
6:51
>> Yeah. It works that way.
6:53
>> There's some some like hidden r's you
6:55
throw in.
6:55
>> You know, he was
6:57
he was in the the 7th Cavalry. He was
7:00
with over there in the war. He had a
7:01
good friend that went with him from our
7:03
part of the country with MacArthur and
7:04
all them and they called him Wash
7:06
Rollins, too, you know. And there was so
7:08
many of them in the war at that time
7:10
that had come from the Dust Bowl era,
7:12
you know, that had that grit and that
7:13
determination. Uh but that's also where
7:15
he shoed his first horses. It was during
7:18
the war.
7:18
>> Oh, really?
7:19
>> He
7:19
got his start as a farrier in the war.
7:22
>> What would you say is the top maybe
7:24
personality trait that you that you
7:26
inherited from your dad?
7:28
>> Hard work.
7:29
>> Oh.
7:29
>> And dedication. But, it's um it's one of
7:32
them deals to where
7:34
it's like a work camp at times, I
7:35
thought. I mean, even as you got a
7:38
little older and you might want to go to
7:39
town and stay out with some of them
7:40
heathen kids till, you know, midnight
7:42
1:00 in the morning.
7:43
>> Yeah.
7:44
>> He going to get you up about He never
7:45
was going to beat you when you come in,
7:48
but he going to get you up about 4:30 or
7:49
5:00 and get on some of them post hole
7:51
diggers.
7:51
>> Probably the beating would have been
7:53
better, right? Quick, get it over with.
7:55
Not like 8 hours of post hole digging.
7:57
>> Yeah, 12.
7:58
>> That's parenting right there, though.
7:59
That's like old school parenting that
8:01
worked.
8:02
>> And and it was good. You know, it taught
8:03
us a lot of lessons. But he He worked in
8:06
a When he come home, he was a farmer,
8:09
you know, and like we had some cattle
8:11
before I ever come along,
8:13
but also they had some contract farming.
8:16
At one time,
8:18
they had a contract with a a potato chip
8:20
country, and he had 40 acres of
8:22
potatoes. He was always good with
8:24
horses. We always had a lot of horses
8:27
growing up,
8:28
show horses, work horses, stuff like
8:31
that. But he worked in a cotton gin. I
8:34
can remember when I was in grade school,
8:36
and I'd walk across over to the cotton
8:38
gin, cuz that's where he was working,
8:40
you know.
8:41
And uh
8:42
he'd set you up on one of them big old
8:44
bales cotton,
8:45
and he'd give give you a knee-high soda
8:48
pop and a moon pie.
8:49
>> Ooh. If you guys haven't Actually,
8:51
everybody's had a moon pie, right? I
8:53
didn't know I didn't know what a moon
8:54
pie was.
8:55
>> Till I got sending them to you.
8:56
>> Until I mean, it's kind of like a
8:57
Southern delicacy. A moon pie is like
9:00
this sandwich, right? Kind of It's got
9:02
like a shortbread, and then like a gooey
9:06
marshmallow, and then it's covered in
9:07
chocolate.
9:08
>> mean, it's the best thing ever. I
9:09
remember when
9:10
>> Don't question it. Just take a bite and
9:11
eat it.
9:11
>> When we were dating, I remember I sent
9:13
you one and you'd never had one before
9:14
in your life.
9:15
>> it was good.
9:15
>> Yeah. I mean, you got to have them.
9:17
>> Those and Goo Goo Clusters, I found.
9:19
Oof.
9:20
>> But they were There were so many
9:22
old-timers. I called them old at the
9:24
time. I was in first, second grade, you
9:26
know.
9:27
Wore them overalls, had them old
9:28
conductor caps on, you know, worked at
9:30
that cotton gin, but also
9:33
a lot of them had another job after
9:34
that. You put in 12 hours there, and
9:37
then you might go to work somewhere else
9:38
because you were trying to make a
9:40
living, you know, and it's something
9:42
that I seen in my dad and so many of
9:45
them old-timers around him.
9:47
If you're going to get by,
9:49
you better be able to work and you
9:51
better be able to provide. And I think a
9:53
lot of that has got lost in our society
9:57
today where
9:59
and I don't mean this bad towards
10:00
anybody, but there's a there's a lot of
10:02
folks that would love to have a handout.
10:06
And my dad said let's always put a hand
10:07
in.
10:08
Let's put a hand in and help somebody.
10:10
>> Yeah.
10:10
>> You know, and I
10:12
So,
10:13
hard work
10:15
and a lot of it.
10:16
>> Your dad had obviously grit. You talked
10:19
about the hard work. And so, I think
10:23
that maybe gave him a good base
10:27
because then you find out that he has
10:30
cancer.
10:31
>> Yeah.
10:32
>> And I'm sure he's approaching this with
10:33
a fight kind of attitude. When was the
10:36
first time you found out that he had
10:38
been diagnosed?
10:39
>> Well, he he
10:40
he's still working. He'd quit cotton
10:41
[clears throat] gin and working at the
10:44
vet clinic.
10:45
>> How old was he and how old were you?
10:47
>> Ooh, I would say I was in my 20s, you
10:49
know. And he was
10:52
early 50s, maybe something
10:54
[clears throat] like that.
10:55
And
10:56
he got to having sore throat, just no
10:58
dry hacking cough all time. Finally went
11:01
to our little local doctor and he said
11:02
something going on, Wash. He said I'm
11:04
going to I'm sending you to a specialist
11:06
in Oklahoma City, you know. Well, they
11:09
went to the specialist, him and mama
11:10
drove up there which three hours from
11:12
Hollis.
11:13
And they took a biopsy of this little
11:15
deal.
11:16
And uh
11:18
and we're all hoping
11:20
just a sore throat.
11:22
You know.
11:23
Even prayed about it. God's going to
11:24
take care of it. It's just a sore
11:26
throat.
11:27
Wasn't.
11:29
It was a little tumor on his voice box
11:31
that had been there quite some time. And
11:34
the the little specialist told him, "We
11:36
need to get this out as soon as
11:37
possible."
11:40
And me and Dale and Randy all went up
11:43
there with Mama that day is having this
11:45
little talk about surgery.
11:47
He said, "Now, I'm not guaranteeing
11:49
anything." He said, [clears throat]
11:51
"I don't know how much or any of his
11:54
voice box we may have to take."
11:56
>> Oh, wow.
11:58
>> And my first thought right then was,
12:02
"Will I ever hear him whistle again?"
12:05
>> Because that was a
12:07
that was a significant
12:09
part of who he was. Is he
12:11
>> When he'd pull up at lunch and you might
12:13
be in the barn working on something, but
12:15
you'd hear him whistling on his way to
12:16
the house.
12:17
>> Mhm.
12:18
>> You know, and it was just something that
12:20
he was very recognized for. It's one of
12:23
them deals that
12:24
when you hear that word, cancer,
12:27
>> Mhm.
12:28
>> there's fear automatically. There's
12:30
unknown. There's uh there's a lot of
12:33
doubt.
12:33
>> I also want to make a mention, when
12:36
you're talking about the whistle, it
12:37
isn't just like
12:39
a little thing he did. It was almost
12:41
part of his character and his
12:42
personality.
12:43
>> ma'am.
12:43
>> So, and I know a lot of you, too, might
12:46
be struggling personally or know someone
12:48
when you have a diagnosis or an illness
12:52
that's threatening who you are, a part
12:56
of who you are, that's devastating.
12:59
>> How How do you tackle that?
13:02
>> Well, a lot of it was we just had faith.
13:05
We just God's in control. God wouldn't
13:08
let this happen, you know.
13:10
>> But he does sometimes.
13:11
>> Yeah.
13:12
>> Right? So,
13:12
>> We learned this the hard way. When the
13:14
surgery was done in his about 4 hours,
13:18
um
13:19
and they come in there and they told us,
13:22
"You know, we think you'll be able to
13:24
talk. We're not sure, but we think you
13:26
will." It was in his lymph glands and
13:28
went down his shoulders and and they'd
13:30
cut him from like here down both both
13:32
sides.
13:33
>> Down the neck.
13:34
>> Yeah.
13:34
>> Open the shoulders up even? Wow.
13:37
>> And
13:38
I think one thing he might have lacked
13:39
was a lot of patience when things were
13:41
hard. Things
13:42
>> He he lacked patience? Oh, okay.
13:44
>> He struggled with it just a little.
13:46
>> I would imagine.
13:46
>> Cuz in intensive care you could go one
13:49
person go in 10 minutes every hour.
13:52
>> Oh.
13:53
>> And uh
13:54
my job he insisted when he went up there
13:57
to have the surgery was to take care all
13:59
them things at home.
14:00
>> Mhm.
14:00
>> You know.
14:02
And I went in there and and my dad never
14:04
was good with penmanship.
14:06
But mama took him this scratch pad
14:07
because he he couldn't talk, you know.
14:10
>> And I had so many tubes and had so much
14:12
stuff going on.
14:14
So he'd try to write.
14:15
And I
14:17
I could not cipher out what he
14:19
[laughter] was writing on this and he
14:20
would try to PICK THAT PENCIL AS HARD AS
14:23
HE YEAH.
14:24
>> And it He'd keep writing and I finally I
14:26
had to take the note when I went out and
14:27
give it to mama so she could translate
14:29
it and said "Make sure that bull is not
14:32
out when you get home, you know."
14:34
>> So he his initial thought wasn't really
14:37
worrying about himself and what he was
14:38
going through. It was all the tasks and
14:40
>> Yeah.
14:41
>> and what was happening outside of that
14:42
room.
14:43
>> Yeah, and take care of your sister.
14:45
>> Oh. So for those of you don't know, we
14:47
we've kind of talked about this before.
14:49
Ken, your sister who was a twin
14:51
>> Yeah.
14:51
>> with your oldest brother.
14:52
>> Yeah.
14:53
>> Um she had cerebral palsy.
14:55
>> Yeah.
14:55
>> From birth.
14:56
>> Yeah.
14:56
>> So um I'm sure that that was a stressor
15:00
for him.
15:01
>> Yeah, I mean they
15:03
Ken and mama were
15:05
>> To make sure she was taken care of.
15:06
>> caregivers
15:07
>> Yeah.
15:07
>> You know, and he
15:09
he wanted to make sure that we knew that
15:11
that we need to take care of her, too,
15:13
you know.
15:14
>> So
15:15
he was in the hospital
15:17
3 weeks, maybe, you know, something like
15:19
that. And I got to go back up there the
15:21
day he was supposed to get discharged,
15:23
you know.
15:24
And at one time when they were working
15:26
on this hospital out there in Oklahoma
15:27
City, it was Mercy. It was just just got
15:29
built and not all the rooms were
15:31
finished upstairs. We got to stay on the
15:33
fourth floor that was in construction.
15:36
And they'd have mom this little old room
15:38
where she'd go and stay, but we'd go I'd
15:40
go down there early in the morning and
15:42
my mother would be in that hospital bed
15:44
with my dad.
15:46
Because
15:47
she said they needed that healing time
15:50
together.
15:50
>> Mhm.
15:52
>> And uh
15:53
>> And she'd be laying in the bed with him?
15:55
>> Yeah.
15:55
And uh it would one of them deals where
15:58
we're going to get to go home and uh
15:59
he's tough.
16:00
>> Mhm.
16:01
>> So doctor come in there and he had all
16:02
these drainage tubes and he didn't know
16:04
and he said uh
16:05
"We're going to put you under and take
16:07
all these tubes out and you can go home
16:08
tomorrow."
16:09
He said, "What if we don't put me under
16:11
and we just get all them tubes out, can
16:13
I go home today?" And he said, "I don't
16:16
know if you can bear that pain."
16:18
He said, "I ain't worried about it." He
16:20
said, "I need to go home."
16:22
And they took them all out.
16:23
>> Oof.
16:23
>> And um
16:25
he drove home and he he found out we're
16:28
going to have 6 weeks of radiation
16:31
treatments.
16:32
>> Could he talk?
16:33
>> A little Yeah, and it was sort of raspy,
16:35
but he could talk. Yeah.
16:37
>> And he had this trach hole in him and he
16:39
had this
16:40
and I'd laugh at him cuz he doctor tell
16:43
him say, "You need to eat this and you
16:44
need to eat this." He never was much one
16:46
for salad, you know. Daddy was a meat,
16:49
beans, and taters
16:49
>> I would imagine.
16:51
>> And he'd eat that salad and they'd tell
16:52
him say,
16:53
"You have to chew stuff really well cuz
16:55
you could get choked so easily." And
16:57
he'd eat about a lettuce and he'd go to
16:58
coughing and it'd shoot that lettuce out
17:00
whole plum over across, put your eye
17:02
out, you know. And we'd laugh at him,
17:04
but
17:05
they had worked first figured this deal
17:07
out. They were going to go to the city
17:08
and stay with some friends that they
17:10
knew up there. Take radiation 5 days,
17:13
come home on the weekend, go back. That
17:15
lasted 2 days.
17:16
>> Mhm.
17:17
>> They come home.
17:18
There was people in our community. He
17:21
had a new driver every day or every week
17:24
that someone would take him up there for
17:26
that treatment and someone would drive
17:27
him back.
17:28
>> And this is about a 3-hour drive.
17:30
>> And it's I mean that's that's the way a
17:31
little community was. Everybody knew
17:33
everybody. Everybody wanted to help.
17:36
And he's they marked him with this paint
17:39
where they're going to do all this
17:40
radiation, you know. And um
17:43
week after week
17:44
he talked better.
17:46
He began to eat. You could see he was
17:48
putting on some weight, you know.
17:50
Uh
17:51
>> Did he whistle?
17:52
>> Hadn't yet.
17:54
But we were waiting.
17:55
>> Yeah.
17:56
>> And uh
17:57
he went back to work at the vet clinic
17:59
right after Christmas that year.
18:02
And he come home one day in January.
18:05
>> [whistles]
18:07
>> And he made tears run down my eyes.
18:09
Uh
18:10
cuz there was that whistle. There was
18:12
that sound of
18:13
everything's okay.
18:15
>> That was hope.
18:15
>> Yes.
18:17
And 6 weeks of radiation went by pretty
18:18
quick.
18:19
>> Yeah.
18:19
>> You know.
18:20
>> So now like you're on the mend, right?
18:23
The it And I think you have to you have
18:28
to have fight in you.
18:29
>> Oh yeah.
18:29
>> When you're when you have a challenge,
18:31
whether it's cancer
18:33
an illness something going on with work,
18:37
you have to have fight.
18:38
>> You do.
18:39
>> To And and not just from you. I mean
18:41
like that's to come from you.
18:42
>> have a support team, too.
18:44
>> Yeah. And so he did. And now things are
18:47
looking good.
18:48
>> Yeah. And he
18:49
things were back to normal.
18:51
Uh you know, in 6 months he was working
18:54
just as hard as he ever worked.
18:56
He's having to go for these checkups
18:58
about every 6 months. Oh, you're good.
19:00
You're good. See you in 6 months, you
19:01
know.
19:02
And this went on and on and on.
19:05
And um
19:06
about 5 years.
19:08
And um
19:09
they went for their yearly checkup. Now
19:11
they were doing one year,
19:13
you know.
19:14
They'd went up there early that morning
19:16
and would come back about 3:00.
19:19
And I was staying there with Cindy at
19:21
the house, the phone rang.
19:24
And it was his doctor from Oklahoma
19:25
City.
19:27
And they he said, "Kent,
19:29
has your mother and dad made it back
19:30
home?" I said, "No, sir, not yet."
19:32
Because they had called from the
19:35
doctor's office that morning and said,
19:37
"Got our blood work done, got our
19:39
checkup done.
19:40
Everything is good. We're going to see
19:42
them in another year."
19:44
I said he said, "Have them call me."
19:46
>> The doctor says this to you?
19:47
>> He said, "Have them call me when they
19:48
get there.
19:50
He said it's very important."
19:52
I said, "Anything I need to know, sir?"
19:57
He said, "I need to speak to your mom or
19:59
dad really bad."
20:00
And I said, "Well, you you can tell me."
20:04
I never
20:05
in my life will forget those words.
20:09
He said, "Kent, we had a mix-up."
20:13
He said, "We gave your dad a report that
20:16
was not right."
20:18
He said, "The cancer has come back."
20:22
And he said, "It's a little everywhere."
20:26
He said, "Have them call me."
20:30
I just hit the floor and I asked God
20:31
right then, "Why?
20:34
Why?"
20:38
And when they come in the house,
20:42
he said, "Tutor, what's wrong with you?"
20:46
I said, "You need to call your doctor."
20:48
And mama looked at me and she
20:50
she knew something was off, but she
20:52
said,
20:53
"What's going on?"
20:54
I didn't have the courage, Shan, to tell
20:57
them what the doctor said.
20:59
>> I mean, what an incredible weight for
21:01
you to have to have that information.
21:05
>> It was uh
21:07
I just walked outside and I talked to
21:09
him.
21:11
And he come out there
21:15
and he look he said, "Hey, I need to
21:16
talk to you."
21:18
I said, "What's that, Paul?"
21:21
He said,
21:24
"It's going to be okay.
21:27
This ain't no step for a stepper.
21:30
We'll just keep stepping a little
21:31
higher."
21:32
>> I didn't know your dad. He passed before
21:35
I came along,
21:37
but that has been a phrase that your
21:39
family has always said and I've I've
21:41
noticed throughout the years.
21:43
>> Yeah.
21:43
>> It ain't no step for a stepper.
21:45
>> Somebody had got him a cap made that had
21:47
that on there and he wore it
21:50
uh [snorts] during all this time.
21:53
But when he went back up there, they
21:54
told him it was in your lungs.
21:57
And we're probably going to have to take
21:59
one of them.
22:01
Well, they did surgery.
22:02
Come out of there in about an hour and a
22:04
half and they said,
22:06
"No, we can't take it. It's in there but
22:09
it's in the other one, too. You know, so
22:12
we we think and at the time and I don't
22:15
mean this bad towards the medical
22:16
profession. I don't, but there was a lot
22:19
of
22:20
uh brand new stuff going on."
22:22
>> Mhm.
22:23
>> And there was it's sort of like car
22:25
salesmen in a way. You can take
22:27
radiation, you can take chemo which this
22:29
one this one this one this one back and
22:31
forth. [clears throat] Well, now we're
22:32
going to do a little bit of chemo, but
22:33
we're going to do some radiation.
22:35
>> wild west.
22:35
>> Yeah. And um
22:37
I went with him to one of his chemo
22:39
treatments
22:40
and they brought it in there
22:43
in a plastic bag covered with a really
22:45
thick paper sack because
22:48
guess it was light sensitive. Mhm. And
22:50
that lady said,
22:51
"If we get if you get any of this on
22:53
you, Mr. Rollins, it's going to burn,
22:55
you know."
22:56
Well, it's killing everything good and
22:57
bad in there,
22:59
you know.
23:00
And uh two treatments in and he was so
23:03
sick during taking them treatments.
23:06
And mama was having to help him. We
23:07
weren't really doing a lot of
23:09
everything. We'd get him in the shower.
23:11
And I think it's the
23:13
most broken I've ever seen my dad
23:16
in life.
23:18
His hair was falling out. And he was so
23:20
proud of his He He had a flat top
23:22
forever, you know. And that beeswax on
23:25
the front and he'd let it grow out.
23:27
>> And he had super thick like dark hair to
23:29
begin with.
23:30
>> And he'd comb it, get that real cream on
23:32
there, you know, he's proud of it.
23:34
It fell out in the shower.
23:37
And
23:38
mama said, "Well, maybe you'll come back
23:39
early."
23:40
You know, so
23:42
>> You're seeing your dad who was What did
23:43
you say he was? 260?
23:45
>> 245, 250.
23:46
>> And and where where
23:49
>> We're We're below 170.
23:51
>> Oh.
23:52
>> We'd put him in a kitchen chair of a
23:53
morning when we got him out of bed cuz
23:55
it had rollers on them, on casters. We'd
23:57
roll him in there for breakfast.
23:59
He wouldn't eat much breakfast. Roll him
24:01
to the recliner.
24:03
But there was always people that came by
24:06
from the community. Always somebody
24:08
saying, "What can I help you do? What
24:10
can we do for you? What do we need?"
24:12
But it when all this happened again,
24:15
I'd say it was probably the first time
24:16
in my life I'd ever been mad at God.
24:18
>> What was your faith journey like at this
24:21
point?
24:22
>> I mean, we were raised up to pray.
24:25
You You got something going on, you need
24:27
something. Folks, if you're struggling,
24:30
dial his number. He's always there. He
24:33
may not get the answer you want right
24:34
off the bat. He might even put you on
24:36
hold.
24:37
>> Now, that's great That That's great to
24:39
say when things are good.
24:40
>> Yeah, but when it's bad
24:43
>> Prayers, everything's great. But when
24:45
it's bad and you just said you were mad
24:47
at God, what What was that like?
24:50
>> My mother was not a very big woman.
24:52
>> She was little bitty.
24:53
>> Yeah. Stubborn as a A
24:56
>> [laughter]
24:56
>> Um
24:57
and a tongue pretty sharp, too.
24:59
>> Mhm.
25:00
>> And Cindy was a handful.
25:02
And I remember I said, "God, why could
25:04
you let this happen
25:06
when we need him so bad, his strength,
25:09
his whistle,
25:11
uh his ambition for life?
25:14
Why could you do this? Why would Why
25:17
would you let this happen, God?"
25:20
And I kept that mentality
25:23
until he passed away.
25:25
>> The anger and the questioning?
25:27
>> About 4 months.
25:29
And I would pray.
25:30
And there was a Baptist preacher we had
25:32
there at the time.
25:34
Salt of the earth people, Brother James
25:36
Dinsmore.
25:38
And he had had cancer and been through
25:39
it. And he was there for that second
25:41
cancer surgery.
25:43
And I remember I was out there in the
25:45
parking lot crying my eyes out.
25:48
And he come out there and he said,
25:49
"Kent, I just want to tell you, if they
25:51
was to tell me I had cancer again,
25:55
he said, 'I'd probably just tell them,
25:56
just let me die right now.'" He said,
25:59
"Cuz I can't go through that again."
26:00
>> Mhm.
26:01
>> He said, "But God give me the strength
26:04
to get through it."
26:05
But he said, "I even questioned God."
26:08
>> Well, when we were saying before, you
26:10
have to have the fight in you.
26:11
>> Cuz you've got You've got to give
26:13
whatever you're going through, you've
26:15
got to give yourself a chance to get
26:16
over it. And that comes from your fight.
26:19
But you can't get that all by yourself.
26:22
>> No, there's got to be something or
26:24
somebody or someone
26:26
that interjects a little
26:29
faith, love, life.
26:32
It's like an Like Brother James told me
26:35
one time, he said it's like an old
26:36
radiator hose on a pickup.
26:39
And he said it's been on there forever
26:40
and ever.
26:42
And he said, "When you're going through
26:43
hard times or it's trying to overheat or
26:45
you're in life and there's something you
26:46
think you can't face," he said, "it just
26:48
begins to get bigger."
26:50
And he said, "Then it gets weaker
26:53
and then it blows up
26:55
and it's ruined.
26:56
He said because
26:57
we didn't change it. We didn't fix it.
27:00
He said
27:02
you got these problems
27:04
and he said you can talk to God about
27:06
them.
27:07
He said you need to talk to people about
27:08
them.
27:09
>> Mhm.
27:10
>> Talk to your brothers. Talk to your
27:12
mother. Talk to a friend. You don't have
27:14
to go through this stuff alone in life.
27:17
You got to be able to reach out. Sure
27:20
God's first line of defense
27:22
but
27:23
at this time God might have had my
27:25
number and I might have been trying to
27:27
call him
27:28
but the answering machine wasn't even
27:30
picking up.
27:31
>> I remember one of the
27:33
hardest times that I went through also
27:35
with you. We've talked about this was
27:37
the fire and we lost the house. And I
27:39
remember thinking I didn't feel angry at
27:42
God and I didn't feel even angry at the
27:45
situation or even who had started the
27:47
fire.
27:48
Um I just felt sadness and I remember
27:50
thanking God for not giving me anger.
27:54
>> Yeah.
27:54
>> Because I I rem- I thought anger is
27:57
going to be so much of a harder emotion
28:00
to get over than sadness.
28:01
>> Yeah.
28:03
>> But when you said you were angry at God
28:05
is it okay to be angry at God?
28:07
>> Yeah.
28:09
Uh
28:09
>> [clears throat]
28:09
>> I think you need to go back and look and
28:12
we we ask why. We ask why. We always ask
28:15
why.
28:17
When Jesus was on the cross
28:19
he said to God the Father
28:22
My God, my God, why have you forsaken
28:25
me?
28:26
>> Why?
28:27
>> When Job went through all them trials
28:29
and all them tribulations, God, why do
28:31
you have a target on my back?
28:34
Why?
28:36
>> That's
28:36
>> I ask that why so many times when you
28:39
should change the very last
28:42
letter in that w h leave off the y
28:47
put an a t what?
28:50
What are you going to teach me through
28:51
this, God? What are you going to show me
28:53
through this?
28:54
What's going to happen? I can't do this,
28:57
God. Why did you let it happen? So, what
28:59
are you going to show me?
29:00
>> Mhm.
29:01
Uh that Wow, that's that's a great
29:04
>> It's
29:05
>> connection because we're human.
29:07
>> Yeah.
29:07
>> That shows our humanity. Jesus was
29:09
human. Job was human.
29:12
Of course we want to strive to be
29:15
perfect, but we aren't.
29:17
>> No, ma'am.
29:18
>> So, instead of questioning the why, show
29:22
me
29:23
why this happened or what the what is
29:26
the lesson.
29:27
>> Yeah.
29:27
>> So, what did you learn? What was What
29:29
was the lesson?
29:30
>> Well, I think before we get to the
29:31
lesson, I need to tell one more little
29:33
story.
29:34
>> Oh, please do.
29:35
>> He told me and Mama forever.
29:37
Not forever, for 3 months.
29:39
>> [snorts]
29:39
>> I'm going to die at home.
29:41
We don't want to speak of dying.
29:42
>> Let me just back up a little bit because
29:44
your father actually had cancer three
29:45
times.
29:46
>> Yeah.
29:46
>> Is that correct?
29:47
>> Well, really
29:48
>> Or did it just kind of continue and he
29:50
got a different type of cancer?
29:52
>> Throat cancer spread to the lungs. The
29:54
lungs spread to the lymph glands.
29:56
>> Okay.
29:56
>> Then it spread to the bones.
29:58
>> Okay.
29:58
>> You know, it was [snorts]
30:00
an ongoing thing that lasted over 10
30:03
years.
30:03
>> Oh.
30:04
>> You know.
30:05
But, uh
30:07
every time he would get sort of bad,
30:10
uh we'd call ambulance. Which Mama
30:11
worked for the ambulance people, you
30:13
know.
30:14
And they'd come up there and we'd haul
30:15
him to the hospital.
30:17
And uh
30:18
cuz we knew that wasn't that time. This
30:20
is not the time he's dying. This wing
30:22
won't let this happen.
30:23
>> Mhm.
30:23
>> You know.
30:24
>> Cuz you're fighting for him, too.
30:25
>> Oh, tooth and nail, [clears throat]
30:27
every day.
30:28
And um
30:30
working
30:31
as many hours I mean, I had a job.
30:34
But, I would come home and I would work
30:36
till 10:00, 11:00 at night taking care
30:38
of what me and him did together because
30:40
we were together.
30:42
>> Mhm.
30:43
>> We worked side by side.
30:44
>> This wasn't just your dad, he was your
30:46
like your best friend, right?
30:47
>> Yeah, we put in so many hours, a lot of
30:49
sweat, a lot of blood.
30:51
And I remember taking him that morning
30:52
and he was
30:54
he was going out of the house and it was
30:55
like 4:00 in the morning, 3:30.
30:58
No, it was I'm going to take that back.
31:00
It was right after midnight.
31:02
And we took him over there and they put
31:03
him on oxygen immediately cuz he's
31:05
having so much trouble getting air.
31:08
And uh
31:10
we were just sort of waiting for what
31:12
doctors said, you know.
31:15
Little old small hospital there in
31:16
Hollis and uh
31:19
I remember coming in there and he he uh
31:22
he'd take that oxygen mask off.
31:24
What
31:26
>> [clears throat]
31:26
>> time
31:28
is it?
31:29
And I'd tell him
31:31
he'd say
31:32
you need to go.
31:34
I said, "Where am Where am I going to
31:36
go? Pa, I ain't going nowhere."
31:39
You need to go find that bull he's out.
31:43
I said, "I can't go now."
31:46
Something my dad hated worse than
31:47
anything else for our cattle to be on
31:49
the neighbor.
31:51
And he just kept on.
31:53
Mama come in there and he told her, she
31:55
said
31:56
"You heard what he said."
31:59
"I want you to
32:01
go saddle a horse,
32:02
go get that bull."
32:03
>> This is what your mother's telling you?
32:05
>> Yeah.
32:06
>> Now, what do you mean by What was the
32:07
situation with this bull? You had to
32:09
take him out, you had to take him
32:10
somewhere?
32:11
>> Well, he was getting out, going through
32:13
our fence, getting on the neighbors.
32:14
>> Okay.
32:15
>> and that
32:17
>> That's kind of a no-no in the in the
32:19
ranching world.
32:20
>> So, he told me, he said, "You go get
32:21
that bull and you get him up here to set
32:24
of pens. He can't get out." You know.
32:26
And
32:28
this bull that Well, I mean, when first
32:29
time this happened, you know, it's
32:30
becoming more common thing, but uh
32:34
I couldn't understand why he would ask
32:35
me to do this at this time.
32:37
But, I did it. So,
32:39
at that time Randy lived in Hollis. He
32:41
was He was there.
32:43
We'd called them when they were coming
32:44
from San Angelo. Cuz they said
32:48
And and and we were
32:51
So, I told Daddy, I said, "I I I can't
32:53
go now."
32:55
>> At this point, you had been through
32:57
these trials so many different times and
32:59
and near-death experiences with him. Did
33:02
you think this was the time?
33:04
>> No.
33:04
>> Yeah.
33:05
>> There's just something you feel, you
33:06
know? And I'm thinking this ain't it.
33:08
>> Yeah.
33:10
>> But, uh
33:10
I went and saddled old Charlie, put him
33:13
in the trailer, and went down there.
33:15
That was his one of his favorite horses,
33:16
too, old Charlie. I got on him and we
33:18
took off down there across the river.
33:20
Got that bull out, rode him back up
33:22
there, penned him.
33:23
Unsaddled old Charlie, got in that
33:25
pickup.
33:26
I'm glad Highway Patrol didn't stop me
33:28
cuz I that 8 mi town, I was probably
33:30
doing 100.
33:32
And when I come in that door and walked
33:33
around there to go down that long hall,
33:35
wait.
33:36
I seen his best friend,
33:39
old Harlan Terry.
33:42
And he just grabbed me
33:44
before I could get to that room.
33:49
And he said,
33:52
"Kenny's gone."
33:54
And I said, "No.
33:56
I didn't get to say bye.
34:00
I didn't get to tell him I loved him."
34:02
Harlan said, "He's gone."
34:05
And I went in there and I said,
34:08
"Mama, why
34:09
didn't he send me away?
34:12
When he knew."
34:15
She said, "He didn't want you to be here
34:16
to see it."
34:20
I went to the house up there where my
34:22
mom and dad lived.
34:24
And I went out there in that old saddle
34:25
house. And I looked up at heaven, and I
34:28
said, "Why, God?
34:30
Why?"
34:34
And from then on
34:36
I won't say it was panic mode, but it
34:38
was sort of like fight or flight.
34:40
>> Mhm.
34:41
>> And one thing I needed to do that took
34:43
your mind off everything else was sweat
34:44
and hard work.
34:47
Uh there were so many people that come
34:49
to the house
34:51
bringing food, bringing everything in
34:52
the world, toilet paper, coffee, paper
34:54
towels, paper plates.
34:56
Small community, there's a lot of love.
34:59
There's a lot of caring people.
35:01
And
35:03
there were so many people at the funeral
35:05
they had a overflow room.
35:09
And
35:11
I remember me and Mama were talking
35:13
after the funeral.
35:15
This was hard enough as it was.
35:19
But when the funeral's over
35:21
and everybody goes home
35:23
>> Mhm.
35:24
>> and visitors quit coming by so often
35:27
>> Mhm.
35:29
>> that big old two-story house with just
35:31
her and Cindy
35:32
got really quiet.
35:35
And I would go there every day twice,
35:36
three times a day.
35:39
And I would take them with me at times
35:41
to go check cattle or to do stuff
35:42
because
35:43
that's what him and Mama and Cindy did,
35:46
you know.
35:47
And uh
35:52
Mama said, "I don't know if you can do
35:55
all this stuff
35:56
that y'all were doing together."
35:59
I said, "I can. He's counting on me."
36:02
>> Mhm.
36:02
>> [clears throat]
36:03
>> 19 hour days.
36:07
And I
36:08
remember saddling up a horse one
36:10
morning, old Charlie
36:13
to go and
36:14
get this same old bull
36:16
was back out and he was going to sell
36:18
this time, this all of it.
36:20
>> [laughter]
36:20
>> And uh
36:21
>> [snorts]
36:22
>> cuz I told him I said, "You caused me
36:24
missing to see my dad."
36:25
>> Mhm.
36:27
>> And I was going out across through
36:29
there.
36:32
And it come up a little old cloud with
36:34
thunder and lightning. And I never was
36:36
really that scared of lightning, you
36:37
know.
36:39
Lightning hit out there pretty close.
36:42
Sort of made the hair stand up on the
36:43
back of your neck.
36:46
And old Charlie even stopped. He's
36:47
thinking, we're going to wait, you know.
36:51
I remember getting off Charlie and
36:54
getting there on the ground
36:56
and just watching that cloud.
36:58
And there was some of the loudest
37:00
thunder
37:01
I ever heard in my life.
37:03
And it took me to my knees.
37:07
And I cried like a baby.
37:11
I said, God, you're not going to tell me
37:13
why.
37:14
So, tell me what.
37:17
What am I supposed to do?
37:20
And God, if you're not going to tell me
37:22
why and you're not going to show me
37:23
what, tell me how.
37:27
Tell me how I'm supposed to have enough
37:28
courage. How I'm supposed to have enough
37:30
faith that you took a man that was 67,
37:32
68 years old out of our life when we
37:35
needed him so bad.
37:37
I've never heard the voice of God.
37:41
But I've seen his word come in so many
37:43
different things.
37:44
>> Mhm.
37:47
>> And I heard the word of God that day.
37:51
He said,
37:52
have patience.
37:56
Have patience.
37:58
And I just kept hearing that sound. Have
38:01
patience.
38:04
I said, God, how am I going to have
38:06
patience through this? How am I going to
38:08
get by? How can I take care of my
38:10
mother?
38:11
How can I take care of Cindy? How can we
38:13
do all these things?
38:16
Just have patience.
38:19
Work all you can work
38:20
from daylight to dark.
38:22
then go home,
38:24
be with your family.
38:26
Show them how
38:28
you're going to make it.
38:29
Tell them how you're going to make it.
38:32
Was it easy?
38:34
It was not easy.
38:36
Some I mean, I couldn't even understand
38:37
it.
38:38
>> Mhm.
38:39
Because
38:40
that seems too simple, doesn't it? Like
38:43
it's just a one-word answer, and that's
38:46
supposed to solve all the problems that
38:48
>> But I I found out
38:51
through Brother James
38:53
and through God
38:54
that when I was asking why,
38:57
I was asking for myself.
38:58
>> Mhm.
39:00
>> Why? Why me? Why me? Why me?
39:05
That's
39:07
that's not the way you ask.
39:11
Why? Why, God?
39:16
Why?
39:17
When it should be
39:19
I hear you, God. I was just asking for
39:21
me. I was selfish, God.
39:23
>> Mhm.
39:24
>> Show me how you can mold me into
39:26
something that I can live this through
39:28
something else
39:30
and show people how to get through it.
39:32
>> But that wasn't like a one-day answer,
39:34
right? Like this
39:35
>> This This was 10 years of answer.
39:37
>> This Well, this was
39:38
How How long did you practice the
39:41
patience?
39:42
>> Took me a long time.
39:44
>> Which is funny because
39:46
I know you, and I've always known you as
39:48
a very patient person. I didn't know
39:50
that you weren't. And you even said that
39:52
your father wasn't patient. So, that's
39:54
one of the traits that he also gave you.
39:56
>> Yeah.
39:56
>> So, you have
39:58
nearly perfected it. I mean, it's always
40:00
a It's always an ongoing
40:03
>> You know, patience is is something
40:06
that my I think
40:08
my dad may not have showed me a lot of
40:10
it uh at times,
40:12
but it's
40:14
comes with perseverance.
40:17
It comes with perspiration.
40:21
But it also comes about being
40:22
persistent.
40:24
And when I say that, I mean
40:26
in your habits, in what you do.
40:30
As Jesus said on the cross,
40:32
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken
40:34
me?"
40:36
I forsook him once.
40:39
I was mad at him once.
40:42
But
40:43
you you have to let that anger go.
40:47
You have to let self-pity go, because I
40:50
was feeling sorry for myself, for my
40:52
mother, for my sister, that we're the
40:54
only ones in the whole world that this
40:56
had ever happened to.
40:58
>> Right. It feels like that though. When
41:00
you're in it, it feels like and it's
41:02
just it's bizarre to me to realize when
41:04
you have gone through a loss or you're
41:06
going through a really hard time, you're
41:08
so in it. You don't realize the rest of
41:10
the world is operating around you. And
41:12
you think, how can that possibly be?
41:14
>> How can they do this to me? I I won't
41:16
say it's it was ever like
41:20
just a light switch turned on.
41:21
>> Mhm.
41:22
>> It It took time.
41:23
>> Mhm.
41:24
>> It took a lot of prayer.
41:27
It made me become
41:30
a very strong person.
41:34
It made me see what life was really
41:35
about.
41:37
And that was life is short. We're not
41:39
promised tomorrow. Make the most of
41:41
every day you can. Love like it's the
41:43
last day you got.
41:45
And I'm going to tell people right now,
41:46
I love you like it's the last day I got
41:48
every day of my life.
41:50
That God gives me air.
41:52
But love what's around you.
41:55
There's going to be trials.
41:57
There's going to be tribulations.
41:59
There's going to be death.
42:01
There's going to be sadness. Something's
42:03
going to rip your heart out
42:06
and throw it on the ground, stomp on it.
42:09
And you can lay there in that pile of
42:11
what's left of you
42:13
and just have a pity party.
42:15
And people that come around they say
42:17
look what that did to him. If he can't
42:19
make it, we can't make it.
42:20
>> Mhm.
42:21
>> How can that be an example?
42:24
When you can look up when you're laying
42:26
down
42:27
you don't look down.
42:29
You [snorts] look up.
42:32
Look up to that man upstairs, to God,
42:34
and say lift me up out of this, please.
42:39
But when you're asking why, change it
42:42
and ask
42:43
what.
42:45
What are you going to show me, God? What
42:46
are you going to teach me? What am I
42:48
going to learn?
42:50
Because
42:52
why don't get you nothing.
42:55
>> You said
42:57
to me before your dad was the strongest
42:59
person you knew.
43:01
>> Yeah, until
43:02
>> until he passed.
43:05
And then you realized your mother was
43:07
the strongest person you knew.
43:08
>> Little 96-lb woman was strong as Samson.
43:11
You know what I mean?
43:11
>> Yeah. I just want to make a mention of
43:13
that because I think the caretakers
43:16
>> Oh, yes.
43:17
>> get overlooked a lot. Especially
43:21
with themselves.
43:22
>> Yeah.
43:22
>> You kind of forget to take care of
43:24
yourself.
43:25
>> Yeah.
43:25
>> And caretaking is extremely hard. Your
43:28
mother was caretaking for over 10 years.
43:32
>> Yeah.
43:32
>> In the cancer space.
43:34
>> Yeah.
43:34
>> She also had Cindy to take care of. She
43:36
was a mother in general.
43:38
I just want to take a little moment to
43:40
acknowledge the caretakers. Maybe you at
43:43
home are a caretaker and I'm sure you
43:45
don't feel like you're being
43:46
acknowledged. That is one of the most
43:49
important roles in the entire world. I
43:51
remember when my grandmother was going
43:53
through Alzheimer's, very advanced. And
43:57
um my mother was her primary caretaker.
44:00
It can eat at you if you're not careful
44:03
and you don't take care of yourself.
44:04
>> Yeah, it wear you out.
44:06
>> What was her her faith journey like?
44:08
>> My mother had to
44:10
had as as much faith as Job.
44:12
>> Mhm.
44:13
>> They'd been through so much in their
44:15
life together.
44:16
Um
44:18
my mother had lost
44:20
a child
44:22
and then lost a set of twins
44:24
before I was ever born.
44:27
And uh
44:27
>> [snorts]
44:28
>> and she come from nothing, you know?
44:30
But
44:32
being little
44:34
didn't hold her back ever.
44:36
Uh
44:37
if she couldn't do it with muscle, she
44:39
might do it with with her tongue, you
44:41
know? She'd let you know it for sure.
44:44
But she
44:47
my gosh, my just
44:49
>> I don't know if you guys can hear this
44:50
on the mic, but Major, our dog here, is
44:52
is having a great nap and there's a lot
44:55
of snoring going on. [laughter]
44:57
>> But uh I remember my mother, she wasn't
44:59
just a caregiver when all this was going
45:01
on, she was a coach.
45:03
She was the motivational person.
45:06
Wash Rollins, you got to want to get
45:08
better. You got to want to try. And this
45:10
was near the end. You got to eat. You
45:12
got to do this. You got to do
45:14
[clears throat] that.
45:15
And it wasn't long after he passed that
45:18
my mother began to have heart trouble.
45:21
And they told us that we're going to
45:22
have to put some stents in. You've got a
45:23
clogged artery.
45:25
She said, "I have a broken heart.
45:28
I lost my soulmate."
45:31
And um
45:33
she she was tough.
45:35
But
45:37
I I think there's so many times and you
45:39
said it.
45:41
There was so much grief for my dad at
45:43
the time.
45:45
But there was so many people there too
45:46
in our little small community that was
45:48
saying,
45:50
"Joy, which is my mother's name,
45:52
whatever you need, you let us know.
45:57
We want to be there for you.
45:59
Whatever you need."
46:01
Something that me and me my mother went
46:03
through a lot during that first couple
46:06
of years of hard work.
46:09
How we going to make it? Cuz that was
46:11
her her income was my dad working
46:14
>> Mhm.
46:15
>> and what cattle they had together. So,
46:20
it was now like, "Hey, Kent, you're
46:22
going to you
46:23
take care of your mama's cows. You make
46:25
sure your mama's all right, you know?"
46:28
And um
46:30
tougher than boot leather.
46:31
>> What did moving on look like? Or maybe
46:34
not moving on, what did moving forward
46:38
look like and still because my I haven't
46:41
had I haven't experienced a whole lot of
46:43
loss like you have.
46:44
My fear would be like forgetting and not
46:48
honoring their life and legacy. What was
46:50
that like?
46:52
>> I I'll never forget.
46:54
I mean, he died in '91. I still remember
46:57
him every day,
46:58
you know? But
47:00
I would find myself when I'd be down
47:02
there working and something wouldn't be
47:03
going right or cows would be out or
47:06
water froze and busted or
47:09
and I'd say,
47:11
"Paul,
47:13
what am I going to do?"
47:15
>> We'll help here.
47:17
>> He said, "Ain't no step for stepper.
47:21
Put your foot in stirrup, swing in
47:22
saddle. Go."
47:25
You know, and it's uh it's always been
47:27
motivation,
47:28
>> Mhm.
47:28
>> you know, that you you never give up.
47:32
I I don't say that I won't
47:34
I don't think I ever seen him give up,
47:35
but I knew he knew
47:37
his time was over. I don't think it's a
47:40
giving up. I think it's just like,
47:42
"I'm just tired."
47:44
>> That's interesting. It's not It's not
47:45
giving up. It's just uh we don't know
47:47
our time.
47:47
>> No.
47:48
>> And we just have the faith that I've
47:50
done all I needed to do here on Earth
47:52
and
47:53
>> I hope you listened.
47:54
>> Yeah.
47:54
>> You You and uh
47:56
and I did. I listened as much as I
47:58
could.
47:59
Do what him? Every day.
48:01
Do I see him?
48:03
Yeah.
48:03
>> Do you hear the whistle?
48:05
>> I still hear the whistle.
48:07
Uh and a lot of times he was whistling
48:09
the Mayberry RFD tune, you know? But um
48:12
>> I would love, just for a moment, um
48:15
everyone watching, I would love for you
48:17
to leave a comment. Because I know
48:19
you've lost somebody.
48:21
Leave a comment. Put their name and put
48:24
their their memorable trait. Maybe it
48:26
was they had the best laugh. They had
48:27
the best eyes. Who were they? You know,
48:30
your mother, grandmother, friend. Leave
48:32
a comment because
48:34
that's the way they're not forgotten.
48:36
And then when you leave that comment,
48:38
scroll and read everybody else's comment
48:41
because that's keeping
48:44
>> Yeah.
48:44
>> memories alive.
48:45
>> And uh I remember Dale, my middle
48:47
brother, after Daddy passed away.
48:50
And he lived in San Angelo and he said,
48:52
"So hard to come back.
48:54
It's not like it was before."
48:56
>> Mhm.
48:57
>> I don't I don't see him come out of the
48:58
house whistling.
49:01
He said, "I'll see if I can do it."
49:04
I said,
49:06
"You got to have these memories.
49:09
But I said,
49:10
'Don't be afraid to shed a tear
49:13
cuz a tear washes away the pain.
49:15
And the memories fill up the empty spot
49:17
in your heart. It may make a scar,
49:21
but it gets covered. Took me forever to
49:23
quit seeing my dad as a 100
49:26
20-lb skeleton.
49:28
>> Mhm.
49:29
>> With not hardly much hair.
49:31
Into seeing that big
49:33
6' 3" or 4" 260-lb guy
49:37
shoeing horses.
49:38
>> Mhm.
49:39
>> But I do. I don't see the bad
49:42
because the memories. My heart got
49:45
healed.
49:46
>> But it took patience.
49:49
>> God
49:50
I didn't learn how to spell it that day.
49:52
>> [laughter]
49:53
>> And uh
49:54
There's
49:56
And people it's it's all right to ask
49:58
why.
49:59
>> Mhm.
49:59
>> It's all right to question God.
50:02
Cuz if his own son can question him on
50:03
the cross, we can sure question him. But
50:06
remember what you're asking for
50:08
when you ask God for something.
50:10
Is it just for you? Is it just being
50:13
selfish?
50:16
Sometimes we just have the questions
50:17
wrong.
50:19
And will you see the answer immediately?
50:21
I haven't.
50:23
But if you do, let me know I want to
50:25
direct hotline you got going on there
50:27
cuz it'd be nice. [music] Remember to me
50:29
and Shan, you're not fans, you're
50:31
family.
50:32
And we'll go through it with you.
50:34
If you need to ask for prayer, you ask
50:36
it. We'll surely lift you up in prayer.
50:39
But know that God is with you. We are
50:40
with you.
50:41
>> [music]
50:41
>> You can get through it, I promise. Cuz
50:43
people have for generations and
50:45
generations.
50:47
But don't let bitter hang in your heart
50:49
because [music] it will eat your heart
50:50
up.
50:51
Shan, thank you so much for being my
50:53
rock, my foundation. Sugar, I love you
50:55
more than life.
50:56
But it is with great pride, honor, and
50:58
privilege that I tip my hat to all
51:00
servicemen and women and all the
51:01
veterans that have kept that old flag of
51:02
flying over camp. We commend you all. We
51:05
lift you up in prayer daily.
51:07
Don't fight the fight alone.
51:09
Saddle up that horse with God on it and
51:10
we'll be right there behind you. Just
51:12
make sure you got some groceries cuz I'm
51:13
going to be hungry when I come by. God
51:15
bless you each and every one. We'll see
51:17
you down the podcast trail. [music]
51:25
>> [music]
51:28
>> Pioneer.
#People & Society