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Losing your temper? Here are some tips on anger management! With Reneau Peuri | CrazyFitnessGuy
Dec 11, 2022
#crazyfitnessguy #weeklymotivationwithcrazyfitnessguy #crazyfitnessguyhealthylivingpodcast #jimmyclare
Losing your temper can be frustrating and overwhelming. But there are some things you can do to manage your anger. This video provides some tips on how to stay calm and in control when you're feeling angry. Watch the video to learn more about anger management techniques that can help you.
Where To Watch?📺
Watch our show live on Facebook, YouTube, and Twitch or on our website at https://www.crazyfitnessguy.com/
About The Guest
Reneau Peurifoy, author "of Anger: Taming the Beast", was in private practice for twenty years as a marriage and family therapist specializing in anxiety disorders.
Follow Guest:
www.whyemotions.com
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0:30
so
0:52
welcome to another episode of crazy fitness guy healthy living podcast slash regular motivation with crazy fitness guy
1:00
So today, before we get started, and my whole blah, blah, blah, blah intro
1:07
I just wanted to share with you the next blog post is coming
1:12
It's going to be published. Give it, let's say, an hour or two-ish
1:18
I had to get the images up and everything, and yeah, it's almost done
1:24
I know it was a pain but I've been it took me like a week and a half
1:31
to do this especially because I've been working on a video production project that
1:37
literally five people can't do this time, that time so much fun
1:41
I can get five people from five different time zones to get on the same exact time
1:47
but not in the same exact time zone, in the same exact
1:50
state, how does that work out? yeah, whatever. That's my little rant for Friday
1:59
Might be my only one, I might not. So if you want to follow me, you can go on social media
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Subscribe for $3.99 a month or $30 a year. And before we get started, also, go check out Crazy Fitness Guys Triple Crazy
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3:50
yeah go check out the memberships and tools
4:00
webpage on crazyfitnessguy.com and I think there's one more thing I want to say
4:08
no I don't think there's one more thing to say so before we get my guests out here
4:18
today's top break is going to probably resonate with a lot of you
4:24
It's going to resonate with me this week because I've been having just a very frustrating week, sometimes a little
4:32
anger. So my guest is going to be talking about how to control your anger, which just hits right at home
4:40
today. So let's welcome Matt. Hello. Hello there. How are you? I'm doing great. It's good to talk to you and see you and just be here
4:53
Same. So, before we get started, can you tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who you are, what you do, and how you got started
5:04
Sure. I originally was a marriage family therapist, and I specialize in anxiety disorders and working with people with panic disorder and things of that nature
5:14
and, of course, working with them, you get to know the rest of their family
5:17
and got into that with some anger things. So I did that for 20 years, and then I retired from active counseling
5:23
and was taught at a college for almost another 20 years, and so now I'm retired, but I'm still teaching, writing
5:31
Got a new book coming out next year that I'm excited about and just doing programs like this and just enjoying life
5:37
and doing what I can to help when I can. That's cool
5:41
So how did you get started in teaching and whatnot? Well, when I was a kid, I really enjoyed animals
5:51
I lived on a fairly large lot of land. We had chickens and rabbits and all kinds of different things
5:57
And I liked animal behavior. And so my major was biology. And I specialized in animal behavior
6:04
And then I had a friend who was a counselor. I decided I wanted to work with people
6:08
And so I shifted from animals to people. Sometimes I refer to that as a step-down because animals are so easy
6:17
I've always been interested just in behavior, emotions. In high school, my freshman year, they called me Mr. Spock because I like Star Trek
6:25
and just that whole thing with emotions and him and everything. It's been part of my life for a long time
6:31
I found that people are actually pretty easy once you kind of understand how they're wired and put together
6:36
Even though sometimes they act in really strange ways, when you understand what's motivating it and what's going on behind it
6:43
it's pretty easy to understand. That's true. To be honest, I haven't figured out people yet
6:52
especially because let's just say because I'm, as an autistic individual, I feel like some people hide behind masks and everything
7:05
and they say hey I mean I'm really really happy and whatnot for you and then later on is a and
7:12
that Jimmy he's nine panny yeah yeah well time always tells you know reveals the person's true
7:20
personality and where their heart and their souls at you know emotions when you when you really understand them basically are just a response to needs and wants and you know you have the various positive emotions joy excitement you know that type of stuff And the two basic negative emotions are actually three falls into three categories You
7:40
have a response to threat, and threat, you get anger or fear. And then sadness has to do with
7:47
loss, either potential loss or real loss that you're experiencing now. And so when you really
7:52
break it down, the three basic categories are anger, fear, and sadness. And I use those words
7:59
in a very broad sense, because anger can range from irritation to rage. Fear can range from just
8:06
disappointment to acute depression and everything in between. So we have lots of words for these
8:13
emotions, but they really boil down to those three categories. And when you start to understand
8:18
okay, I'm angry or I'm scared, then that means there's a threat somewhere you're experiencing
8:24
And if I'm sad, that means you've experienced a loss. And of course, that's the negative side
8:29
the positive side, the joy, fulfillment, excitement, that type of stuff you usually
8:34
don't have to deal with. But those things are okay. So once you kind of understand that
8:39
then you can kind of work backwards. Okay, I'm feeling angry. Okay, where's the threat
8:44
and sometimes that's hard to put your finger on uh it it may be you know like you were talking
8:53
about earlier you know you got the video going on maybe a person's not cooperating or this
8:56
equipment's not working or this or that maybe that's where the threat's coming from i'm feeling
9:00
you know frustrated and angry because things aren't working the way i want them to work
9:04
or maybe it's because you know a relationship uh that i value is not working out you know the
9:11
person's done something that's not right, you know, so working backwards, okay, you can always
9:17
identify what the threat or the loss is, and that's a lot of what you do in counseling, is you just
9:23
basically, people come in, they have a bunch of emotions they're experiencing, they don't understand
9:27
where they're coming from, so first you identify what are you feeling, and then you kind of work
9:32
backwards to, okay, where's, what's generating that, what's the threat or the loss in the case
9:39
of negative emotions. With anger, there's a positive side to it that a lot of times is not
9:47
recognized. We usually think of just the person who's screaming or angry or acting out. But the
9:53
positive side of anger is it gives you energy and motivation to deal with the threat. In fact
9:59
whenever you speak up for yourself, whenever you set limits or say, you're stepping on my toes
10:04
please get off there's some level even if it's just a low level of anger that's giving you that
10:09
focus and motivation and energy to actually set that limit and that's the positive side and that's
10:15
i think the key to healthy anger management is if you can tune into that early on usually you'll do
10:23
something that's constructive and that's sometimes easier said than done because sometimes people are
10:30
kind of out of touch with what's going on inside of themselves so they have to kind of reconnect
10:34
all that stuff. In fact, when you look at people who deal with anger well, one of the things you
10:39
notice is they stop and they take a moment to kind of calm down and to regain control of themselves
10:46
so they can identify what's really going on. Because when you're in the midst of a strong
10:51
emotion, everything gets exaggerated. You know, everything that, in my case, I've been married for
10:58
you know, a long time, everything that my wife done that irritates me comes to mind, you know
11:02
everything that's going on you know with life that irritates me comes to mind and it all needs
11:06
to be solved right now and so taking that moment to kind of calm down and you know regain control
11:12
myself i can focus on what's the real issue what really is it that i need to deal with here
11:17
and you know life has a lot of real stuff you got to deal with and so the more you can focus on
11:22
that and not get sidetracked with all the other stuff then the more effective you are
11:27
You know, while you were saying that, I was also thinking what was getting me irritated back in high school
11:39
and back in middle school. Yeah. I think the most angry part it was was just
11:46
my general school district was just treating me like I was some kind of lack of a better word
11:55
Second class or something. You know, and that's the trouble when you're dealing with people that are, you know, neurologically diverse, right, whether it's autism or some of the other stuff that goes on, is people don't understand a lot of times and what people don't understand, they have some fear towards
12:13
And so then that a lot of times sets up walls. And that can be terribly frustrating
12:18
I'm sure you, I don't have to tell you, you get lots of situations where people don't understand, and so then they treat you as if you're retarded or something's going on when that's not really the case
12:32
And yeah, that makes you angry because you wish the world was some way different and the world is not
12:38
And it can be terribly cruel and unjust at times. So again, the bottom line is you've got to come back and decide, how am I going to respond to that
12:46
Where am I going to come from? How am I going to meet that type of a world? Exactly
12:53
And just think of it. Now I could probably answer my professor's question
13:00
in my public speaking course this semester. She asked us, what would be my perfect utopia
13:07
I would have a utopia where people just understood autism. Maybe not the fall and death of all the data and everything
13:14
But it's like, OK, this person thinks differently. How can I help him or her or they or whatever
13:23
can navigate through life? Maybe not easily, but have a more understanding
13:32
of what this person needs to do in the present moment, like whether it's work or whether it's a project for school
13:42
But that would be my perfect utopia. Yeah, and sometimes it's not even a question of helping
13:50
It's just a question of just accepting and understanding that, hey, it's just one of the variety of ways that people are
13:56
I mean, my son and my wife are very ADD, right, which is a whole other thing in itself
14:03
But again, very different way of looking at the world, very different thought process
14:07
I know my son struggled a lot in school because, you know
14:11
it's tough when you're in a classroom and everybody else has got what's going on and you're sitting there and you have no clue what the teacher has just instructed you to do
14:19
you know, and you have that experience over and over, you know, as a remembrance. And he struggled
14:24
for a long time. And finally, he's just now really coming to accept himself and, you know, how he's
14:29
wired and the way he does things. And I mean, he's very good with his hands. He's very mechanical
14:36
And he's been able to really use that to move forward in life. So I think a lot of times it's
14:43
just accepting and you don't get a lot of that in this world and it's not just you know with
14:47
neurodiverse people you know people right now you see so much stuff whether it's political or you
14:53
know different ideological things there a lot of hatred and a lot of just anger and a lot of people thinking in black and white terms about others you know you either the enemy or you the friend you okay or
15:06
you're not okay and that's unfortunately a lot of what we're dealing with in the world right now
15:11
exactly and just our curiosity if when people feel this rage and frustration
15:21
and every mixed emotion in between them, all that. How can people, like, overcome all those mixed emotions
15:32
Yeah, it's, you know, it's a broad question, and there's not a real easy answer for it
15:37
I think the first step comes from looking at your, for lack of a better word
15:44
I'll use your existential views of life, you know. Is there a God? Is there not a God
15:50
you know, what is my purpose in life? You know, what is going to be some of the guiding
15:56
ideas or motivations behind why I'm here? And I think once you can kind of clarify those ideas
16:04
then it helps you to get a framework for the world. And again, that's something that we're
16:10
very impoverished with here in the Western world, especially here in America. We don't think about
16:14
those existential things where we're busy thinking about my status or what I can get, you know
16:20
to make my life happier or what's that next new toy that I want
16:25
And we don't take time to reflect on, you know, what really is the meaning of life for me
16:30
The new book, one of the things that I explore is three things that positive psychology has come up with that make for a happy life
16:38
And one of them, the big one, is always relationship, right? If you have some people in your life that you can be totally open or honest with
16:47
and that accepts you for who you are and you have a deep relationship with
16:51
that more than anything else helps you deal with all of the hurts that you deal with in life
16:59
And then the second two things are what I already mentioned, purpose. Do I have a purpose in life
17:04
And then what's my deeper kind of meaning? What is the meaning of life
17:09
Why am I here? Is there something afterwards? If not, how do I come up with meaning for right now in my life
17:16
If you're grounded in that area, then it's easier to deal with the insults that you get in life, whether they're just because things aren't working right or they have to do with people that you're involved with
17:31
That's a lot to think about. Yeah, it's deep. And again, it's not something that the average person in America thinks too much about
17:40
They're too busy with just kind of the little things in life. But again, I have a broader perspective of why people think, and I understand that we live in a broken world
17:51
And when things happen, it's easier for me not to take them personally
17:56
And I think that's the big thing that really makes people angry a lot of times is they take everything personally
18:02
And coming to understand that you are really different from everybody else
18:06
And I'm not just saying this because you're autism. me, everybody, you know, and we tend to like to think other people think like me or the world
18:15
should be like this or that. And I'm just really different from everybody else. And I just have to
18:21
accept that the way other people think and move and do things is different from the way I do things
18:26
and think. And as long as they're not rubbing me the wrong way, that's okay. If they're rubbing me
18:32
the wrong way or getting in the way of what I want or what I would like, then I have a problem
18:37
and I need to become solution focused rather than problem focused. I think that's the other thing that a lot of times will generate a lot of anger
18:44
is people focus on what's wrong rather than what do I want and how do I get there
18:51
You see this in couples' counselings. You got a couple in there and one person is saying
18:55
well, you know, this person did this and I can't stand it when they do that. Oh, my gosh. And so you'll say, so what do you want
19:02
And then they do that and I don't like this, so what do you want? Oh, and what really makes me mad is when they, and so what do you want
19:09
And you can go on for 20 minutes asking the person what they want before they really focus on what do I want here
19:15
And so that's, I think, one of the things that the clearer you can be about what do you want in different situations
19:21
the easier it is for you to focus on getting there. And you don't get into all of the side trips about the things that are in the world that aren't the way you would like them to be
19:32
Yeah, it's funny. I had those conversations with my mom in therapy too
19:37
And I was like, we always go on at, well, not really at each other
19:42
but I was like, well, she did this, he did this, she did this, she did this
19:47
And I had a psychologist told me, always ask like, so what do you want
19:52
And I was like, yeah. And after probably asking me probably 10 times
19:58
I made 20 times, depending on how many things we can go back and forth on
20:03
you know what the answer is? I have no clue. And that's often the case
20:09
And that's why things like some type of meditation, the whole relaxation response
20:15
the mindfulness that's real popular right now, those types of activities have been proven
20:25
throughout the centuries to help people to get more in touch with what is it
20:28
that they really want out of life and what is it that gives them meaning
20:33
we are so freaking busy nowadays. People don't take time to be quiet
20:38
And if you don't take time to be quiet, you never really are able to listen to what's going on inside
20:44
and to start to sort through that to figure out, really, where is it that I'm coming from
20:49
What is it that really is driving me that I want to deal with
20:54
That's what I've been feeling this week. I haven't been... For instance, I'll give you an example
21:00
Well, last night I wanted to watch one of my favorite shows
21:05
and just to give myself a treat to, because it's been a long week
21:14
And, but I ended up buying, again, remembering I had to go purchase a ticket for the reunion
21:27
And I was like, crap, I had to go do this real quick. And by the time I was done with that, I just wanted to go to bed
21:37
Not because it was like super late, but it was like 1030
21:41
It was like, okay, I stayed up 11 o'clock, one too many nights in a row
21:46
And I just want to get to bed early. Just so I have a good night's sleep for the next, or so I have a good day today
21:57
and I feel like a walking dead zombie. Yeah, sleep is one of those things that it's amazing how important it is
22:10
You know, Shakespeare, and I think it was Merchant of Venice, but one of those plays, he talks about how sleep knits up the raveled sleeve of care
22:19
And there is an aspect about sleep that does allow your mind to go through things
22:23
from the day or so before and helps to kind of get you back on an even keel for it It actually actual one of the functions of sleep and especially of dreaming and stuff but uh yeah if you don sleep it hard but uh
22:38
you know again if you have a regular time where you can sit down and really just think about your
22:44
day and think about uh you know what is it that went well what is it that went wrong and
22:51
And what can I do to make things better? It really helps
22:56
And again, whether that's a formal meditation, a formal time of prayer
23:00
And I knew a lady who she did her best meditating when she was mowing her lawn with a hand lawn mower
23:07
And she just liked to get out there. And she started mowing like crazy. Real ADD folk, right
23:12
And she said, that's what I would do my best thinking time and my best reflection time
23:19
So different people have different ways to do it. Some people walk. Some people, you know
23:23
That's impressive. Yeah. I think from, I think, mostly from my thinking time is when I'm in karate class, and I mean, I'm still focusing on all the techniques and everything, but when I'm punching and kicking, I'm focusing on that, but I'm also focusing on what
23:48
I was like, what did not go right well today? And I just go through like a whole replay in my brain of what happened
23:59
And it's like, oh, I think I know what I did. I think I know what I did, and I should avoid this the next day
24:07
And here's how to avoid this. Yeah, a lot of people find something that involves movement
24:13
helps them get into that space where they're not thinking really intently
24:18
and when you're in that kind of it's kind of like a lot of people get ideas
24:22
when they're in the shower, right? and it's because your mind's in kind of neutral
24:26
and so that stuff down in your subconscious can feed back up to it
24:30
and so doing some kind of movement thing exercise a lot of times is another case
24:36
it's kind of like being in the shower your mind's in neutral so that other stuff, that deeper stuff
24:42
can come up and you can start to process some of it I think it's important too
24:47
to when you're thinking about events is, you know, what do I have control of and what do I not have
24:54
control of? And people sometimes want to have control of things that they really can't. For
25:01
example, I want to have control about how other people are going to react and think, you know
25:05
that's not going to happen. I can only control what I think and my reaction, you know, everything
25:12
else really ultimately is out of my control and that's a hard thing to come
25:17
to accept for a lot of people you know who want especially if they want to be in control of stuff and a lot of those out there so well I know one thing that
25:28
I made my day today not the way I wanted to turn out well is I forgot to set my
25:38
alarm on my phone and it usually just it it goes off with music and and and because that wasn't set
25:51
i had this feeling it wasn't set but i i but uh i didn't check before i went to bed if it was set
25:58
or not and so i was like waiting for the music to go off it's like okay any minute now still waiting
26:06
And finally, I looked at my clock, my watch on my phone
26:12
Yeah. I mean, it was supposed to go off at 7.15. I know it was 7
26:18
My watch said 7.10 on it. I know it wasn't quite 7.15 yet, but I was like, okay
26:28
And then when I got to 7.15, it still didn't go off. And it's like, so I woke up before my alarm, and it didn't go off
26:37
I didn't set it. And I was like, uh-oh. And just right then and there, it just fell off because it's like, okay, my watch is set for seven
26:48
So it goes off twice. And so just to make sure I'm up
26:52
But now I was like, this is not good. Well, you know, and again, there's two ways of looking at that
26:58
and a lot of people beat themselves up when they make mistakes
27:03
and one of the big lessons in life is just to understand
27:08
that most of the mistakes you make aren't important and most of the screw-ups that you do aren't important
27:14
When you think about it, is this going to really affect my life tomorrow or a year from now
27:19
No, it's not. So there are big things that happen but most of the stuff is really not that important
27:26
in the long run and look at it. It's a learning experience. You know, I learned a long time ago that when I mess
27:34
up and I make mistakes, that's a gift of wisdom. It's if I can use it that way, right? I can either
27:39
sit there and dwell on what went wrong or what's bad, or I can decide what can I do differently
27:44
next time. People who are successful in life, that's one of the traits that they have
27:48
is when they make mistakes or when things go wrong, is instead of focusing on, oh my gosh
27:55
this went wrong, this is terrible, oh, how could that happen, why would this happen, okay, this went
28:00
wrong, what can I learn from it, is there something I can learn from it, is there something I can do
28:05
differently next time, and sometimes there's not, and sometimes there is, but the more you can become
28:10
what I call solution focused, rather than problem focused, again, that's another key to managing
28:16
anger, because people that are angry all the time, they're very problem focused, they're very focused
28:22
on what's wrong, what's bad about this situation, rather than focusing on, okay, what can I do
28:27
differently? How can I improve this situation next time? And that's just kind of a habit pattern that
28:35
you have to develop. And if you've got the problem-focused habit pattern, it's a matter of
28:41
coming up with ways to start to remind yourself, I need to focus on solutions. I need to focus on
28:46
where I'm going, not where I've been. Well, in your opinion, is it possible to have a mix of both
28:53
Because I'll give you an example. Last night, my mom wanted to watch a particular show
29:01
I'm not going to name the show because I don't need to be sued
29:05
And some people may or may not agree with it. I don't want to go there at the moment
29:13
But it happens to be through a, if you had like Apple TV, it's easy to get through
29:22
But we have a Samsung TV up here and it's a smart TV
29:25
but it doesn't have all the apps like a Apple TV have or Roku or whatever
29:35
And so during that, So I was trying to think of a way how one could bypass the limitations of the TV because my dad doesn't want to put it in another hole in the wall
29:54
I wouldn't blame him either because I wouldn't want to do that in our relatively..
29:59
new house. So I was like thinking, hmm, I've heard of people mirroring their devices off of the TV
30:10
I wonder if Samsung has a way to do that. Well, I found a few ways to do that
30:18
However, and I was like, oh, I'm impressed. I think maybe this could work
30:25
and I was impressed I thought of that idea unfortunately it didn't work
30:32
but I was like maybe I'll do some more research and figure out some other ways I could
30:38
do this and maybe I'll find something much much much better than what I
30:46
currently found last night because this was like five minutes before seven o'clock before
30:52
the show started and of course later and of course like five minutes later
30:59
my mom's like oh Jimmy don't worry about it I'm going to go talk to my friend on the phone anyway
31:02
I was like I could have went to do something else with my time
31:06
and fussed with this technology of work around thank you I mean I wasn't
31:15
considering her a problem or anything but I was like thinking to myself
31:20
gee you could have saved me at least 20 minutes. Well, my guess is she probably
31:26
would have liked to do the show, but she's basically saying, well, I'm disappointed
31:33
but I'll do something else. I'll substitute another behavior. Which is, again, what people do a lot of times
31:39
when what you want you can't get is you find an alternate goal or an alternate solution
31:45
to do that. By the way, I have a Samsung TV and I run into some same problems
31:51
The thing that annoys me the most is the limited memory that it has
31:55
But, you know, you work around it. Like one gigabyte? Yeah, and that's great. Yeah
32:01
Yeah, one of the solutions. I mean, one of the other things I've been also facing
32:09
I'm not sure if you had this issue. This is a little off topic, but I'll get back on topic
32:15
This is the tech section. Yes, exactly. but i don't know if you had this issue but hulu removes their app off of my samsung
32:25
uh our samsung tv even though it's only like three years old and it's like oh well every so
32:33
often we have to remove a device an older device since like three years old is not old for a tv
32:40
I mean, old is like 20 years old for a TV or 10 years old
32:46
That's fine. But come on, three years old, ridiculous. Yeah. Mine's fairly new
32:51
The solution I found that solves most of my problems is I just go in and clear the cache every now and then
32:57
So if you learn how to do that, that frees up memory, and that solves a host of problems with a TV
33:02
That's good to know. So what are some other strategies that people can reduce their anger and feel in control
33:15
I mean, maybe not in control of that particular situation, but in control of their emotions
33:20
That was yourself, right. Well, and I think, again, the first big step is if you're feeling really strong emotions
33:27
the number one rule is you stop and you take some time to go back and look at it
33:33
First of all, is there a real threat? Is what I'm doing going to minimize that threat with the least amount of harm to myself and others
33:43
If it's not a real threat, and is my emotion appropriate to it
33:49
Would a person say that whatever's going on, is my response, the level of my emotion, too high or is it about right
33:59
if it's too high then i need to sit down dial back before i decide on my action
34:04
if there's no real threat and i'm getting angry then i need to decide what's going on is there
34:09
something going on in my life because a lot of times we'll displace things from one side to
34:15
another i'm having frustration at work or in a relationship this other thing occurs you know i
34:21
go and buy some coffee or something i start getting all angry at the store clerk when really
34:26
it's this other issue in my life that's going on. So the basic steps, maybe to make it more clear
34:32
is one, is there a real threat? Is my response appropriate in terms of the level of emotion I'm experiencing
34:42
And is what I'm doing going to resolve the threat in a way that's, again
34:47
with the least amount of harm to myself and others? If that's true, then probably my anger is very appropriate in this situation
34:54
Because there are situations where it's appropriate to get angry. Somebody's actually doing something that's harming you
35:00
or interfering with something you want, and that naturally is going to generate some anger in you
35:07
So now I need to decide, is what I'm doing now going to take care of that in a way that's appropriate
35:12
Either solve the problem or find a substitute goal that I can go after
35:17
And if my emotion is too high or there's no threat, then there's something going on in my life that maybe I need to identify
35:23
Maybe there's something from my past that this reminds me of that I'm getting angry about
35:29
Maybe there's some unrealistic expectations I have about the way things should or must be
35:36
And those are some things I need to explore in that case. So that's my general approach
35:41
And then, again, you take specific examples and you kind of go through it. That's good
35:47
I think one of the things that I've taken away from my alarm not going off this morning
35:59
is I think one of the positives that I could learn from it would be
36:07
stop changing the time when you're going to wake up on the clock
36:13
and go to bed at the same exact time every single night and not change that clock and say
36:19
hey, let me go get my eight hours of sleep while I'm going to bed at 11 o'clock at night
36:25
Something I learned a long time ago is just get up. If I'm wide awake and it's five minutes before the alarm goes off
36:34
just get up, you know. Don't wait for it. I know. I mean
36:38
I used to do some of that too, so. Yeah, I mean, I usually do get up without any fuss anyway
36:45
sometimes even before my alarm clock as I had to use the bathroom
36:49
in the morning or anything but it's but I think it just threw me off
36:56
because one alarm went off before the other so I was like
37:01
okay I'm already up and then I was just expecting just to hear
37:05
at least some music in the morning and I was like I didn't even get that
37:09
I mean I could have just turned on my Google Home Mini but I was like okay this is just not how I usually start my day we always turn on the radio right or turn on the
37:21
turn on some music yeah you know and this is where age helps the more you go through experiences like this and the more you you go back and you kind of troubleshoot them you kind of find solutions for stuff I know a lot of things that used to make me angry when I was younger
37:36
Shoot. That's one of the advantages as you get older, is you realize that so much of this stuff is not important, that we make so important
37:44
And the more you can kind of come back and deal with that. And again, that's hard to say until you get there
37:49
But, you know, the important things in life are really very few
37:54
and like I said earlier on, one of them has to do with just relationship. Do I have somebody in my life, a couple people maybe
38:01
three, four would be even better, that I can hang around with
38:05
who accept me for who I am and who I can just talk about my frustrations
38:10
and we can laugh about it and share. And if I have that, then the things that go on in life are not as hurtful
38:18
as they would be if you're all isolated and don't have people like that in your life
38:22
So I think that's really important too. Yeah. And just to piggyback off of what you said previously, finding solutions to something and responding in a certain way at times
38:40
for instance there was this company again not naming any names when I started with them
38:52
they gave me I had their unlimited features I mean they didn't have any limits to it
39:00
so there wasn't like a trial or anything I started with them
39:04
when they first started before they introduced anything and then over the
39:11
two years in time frame they set me at it went from unlimited to down to
39:20
10 then down to 5 and then this year they were trying to get
39:26
everyone to go down to 3 and I'm not going to say what this tool does
39:34
because that would be boring but but i so i was i was annoyed a little bit because like yeah hey if i didn't if i never saw unlimited
39:50
i wouldn't really care because like okay at least i still get something for free
39:56
but um but i just felt like okay this was a big jump from unlimited down to
40:03
10, 5, and now China 3. So instead of me going just like, okay, let's forget about this company
40:12
because I had quite a bit of success rate with them, and I wasn't going to throw it all away
40:23
So I very politely responded and saying I felt like they were becoming
40:28
quite a bit rip off because their monthly plan was $99 a month
40:35
And they put on their website, we're geared for small business owners
40:41
And I was like, you think a business owner, a small business owner can afford $99 a month
40:48
And you think that's affordable? Yeah. And I said it very politely, and I said, this is just how I feel and how I'm interpreting it because I did it for the beginning
41:03
And long story short, by the end of it, they invited me to an event that I couldn't go to because it was during my college class
41:12
but eventually they they put me back to the unlimited version like I began with
41:21
and there was no trials or anything and I was like, that's very nice of this company
41:26
and I was like, I'm kind of glad I made a stand a little bit
41:30
and you did exactly what you needed to do and again, that's where anger functioned exactly the way it was supposed to function
41:36
it motivated you to take some actions to set some limits and to say, hey, what's going on here
41:43
And I think that's a very good example of positive use or the positive expression of when you get irritated
41:48
or angry at something. Again, you decide to take some actions that, in your case
41:54
turned out really well. Yeah. And I also included, and I think maybe this might have put
42:03
a little cherry on top. And I was like, hey, I wouldn't mind staying at five a month
42:08
or just 10 a month, but to put me down to three
42:14
and I was like, I feel too limited. And it's like, five is acceptable, 10 is great
42:21
even somewhere between five and 10, I'm okay. So I gave them the option
42:27
I wasn't even looking for unlimited. But I said to my parents, like, well
42:33
I'm not going to complain about unlimited. I'll take it. so well good for you
42:39
you work just exactly what you're supposed to just as an aside with
42:47
money getting tighter there's going to be more of that coming up over the next few years
42:52
different things you know different programs and things I mean I understand that
42:59
I totally understand that companies have to make money and also so they need to make restrictions
43:10
I wasn't fighting on, like, hey, give me back my limited. No, like I said, I would have been happy at five or ten or eight or six
43:21
But come on, if I've been at that company for, like, I don't know
43:28
and I mean not working for them, but, I mean, as a user on the platform
43:31
him for since the beginning at least treat me with some kind of respect and i just say yeah
43:37
we'll just bump him off with the new users with the three yeah and a good example of what we call
43:44
assertive behavior you know how you say what the problem is i usually talk about the der script
43:51
you describe what the problem is you express your concerns or if it's a relationship your feelings
43:56
and then you make your request. And then you just keep coming back to that
44:01
And then you just take some time to listen to them, then you come back to your request. So here's what's going on
44:06
Here's what I think. Here's what I want. So you did that. You did a very good example of that
44:12
Thank you. I always try to give really good examples sometimes. It also requires some rants as well
44:22
Well, yeah. I mean, we will do that from time to time
44:27
And I think it's important to say that those occur most often when you are sick, hungry, tired, or under a lot of stress
44:37
Because when you're sick, hungry, tired, under a lot of stress, your brain doesn't work as well as it normally does
44:43
And everything tends to become very black and white. So that's an important thing to keep in mind
44:49
If I'm sick, hungry, tired, or under a lot of stress, take care of business
44:55
Try not to do the really important decisions unless I have to and delay those to a time when I had a good sleep and I rested and I doing okay
45:07
I also think there might be like maybe a part, like a fifth one is because
45:15
or a fourth one is because, it could also be just because it's maybe in your DNA a little bit
45:24
It is part of who you are. It makes you who you are. Yeah
45:28
I mean, people are wired differently. And some people just, you know, I'm a pretty mellow person
45:34
And my wife is not. But, you know, we get along. We figure it out
45:39
So, yeah, wiry does play a role into it. But, again, your physical condition, if you are, you know, it's like with couples
45:47
I used to tell them, you know, don't discuss those important things just before you go to bed. You know, wait until you got something important to talk with your spouse
45:53
wait until you've had a nice meal it's the end of the day don't hit them right when they come home
45:58
you know and they've had a hard day not a good time to do problem solving right so that old sick
46:04
hungry tired stress is it does play a major role in how well you can think about stuff you know
46:10
some people have this belief that i can i'm always functioning fine i can make myself do whatever i
46:15
want to and that's not true you know if you are tired or you're really hungry or you're stressed
46:22
out or you're sick you don't think as well as you normally do and you don't respond emotionally
46:27
you're you're on more of a hair trigger at those times so that's when you want to take care of
46:32
business and postpone things that are not important as much as you know until a later time and then
46:38
deal with them then i can attest to that because uh and i can agree with that because
46:44
one of my live streams and podcast episodes that I published two weeks ago, maybe a
46:53
month ago. I think it's a month ago. When I published it
46:59
it was one of the stats, one of the requirements I went over
47:09
about YouTube. I said 40,000 but but it was 4,000. But the reason I got it wrong was because I was still getting
47:20
fighting a cold and everything. And I don't have bad eyesight, but for whatever reason
47:26
I was seeing two of everything. And I was like, okay, I think that says 40,000
47:33
And so I clarified it and I was like, I think 40,000
47:37
No, I think 4,000. But so I put both in the episode, meaning I don't know which one is which one is their exact number
47:50
But then when I looked at it the other day when I'm not sick at all, I was like, I can't believe I saw 40,000
47:58
It's 4,000. I'm like, it added another zero. That's where you insert the little caption on the video, right? Yeah
48:08
I was like, too bad I wasn't $40,000 in my pocket. That'd be nice
48:14
Google's going to pay me that money? Oh, that'd be nice. You were doing some wishful thinking there
48:19
Yeah. I mean, they weren't going to pay me anything, but one of their monetization requirements
48:27
is you need $4,000 views on your videos. And I was like, that looks like $40,000 to me
48:37
know yourself don't ever look at statistics well that's coming right yeah
48:45
it'll build up to there yeah i know i just look i would i just that
48:53
that just remind that i just gave me a reminder don't ever look at
48:57
statistics when you're sick unless if you're on a very bigger screen
49:01
and not your phone well and it depends upon what rules your life too you know nowadays so many people
49:09
especially younger people you know they're so immersed in social media and all of their friends
49:16
are online friends and they're not really friends because they really aren't like what we were
49:20
talking about earlier uh in fact one of the things that really helps with uh with making you feel
49:28
calmer is decreasing the amount of social media. I don't know, you probably want to hear this as
49:33
you're broadcasting so much, but there was a study in Germany with college students, and they asked
49:39
them to reduce their time, I think it was two hours a day, or maybe one hour a day, and they did that
49:44
for, you know, a few weeks, and then they measured their rate of happiness before and afterwards
49:49
and they were all happier after they'd reduced it for an hour a day, you know, for a couple weeks
49:53
and the interesting thing was that effect lingered for about a month afterwards
49:58
so you know social media is good i i enjoy it i like to get on and see what's going on but again
50:04
having that time where you just dial out and you deal face to face with people uh or if you you
50:10
know have a a media contact that you're doing it over zoom or something where you actually are
50:15
getting a you know real face-to-face interaction with a person and you can talk to them at a deeper
50:21
level than normally. Trust me, I already do. I make sure I block out social media at a certain time
50:29
I have it set up for a total hour on my Windows computer, and then I have like 40 minutes on
50:39
my phone, but I don't use all the time. I did specifically on my device because, like
50:48
if I'm doing my marketing in my different Facebook groups, et cetera
50:53
I was like, okay. And it doesn't take a whole hour. Sometimes it can take 10 minutes, but I allow up to the hour
51:02
only because in case of my internet connection is going a little slower
51:07
than normal. and I was like I am not gonna be I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I
51:16
was like I know it doesn't take me an hour but I don't want to do ten minutes
51:20
and then oh this is the worst idea and I get blacked out for other than until the
51:25
next day and then the same thing can happen again you're doing what's called
51:30
block block scheduling or block time scheduling that that's how that's how
51:34
I've written books and stuff is you know people say how do you do that well it's
51:37
like you know it's the old joke about how to eat an elephant you do it one bite at a time and uh so i would just block out okay i'm going to spend an hour here or two hours there these
51:47
are my times for writing i sit down i write when the time is over i move on to other stuff yeah
51:52
as opposed to trying to get everything done you know i got this on my item on my list i got to
51:56
complete it no i'm going to spend this much time on it and then i'm going to move on to the next
52:00
item yeah that's why that's what i've been doing with my uh article uh it took me a week and a half
52:09
like a week and a half to write it and i admit that there were some days i didn't there was two
52:16
last weekend i didn't i was hoping to work on it but then i decided i'm just not gonna work on it
52:22
today but i started right on monday because i was like i need to go do something else Yeah And I did everything else but that
52:35
Good. So before we wrap up, where can people find more information about you
52:42
what you're doing, and where can they follow you on social media
52:45
Easiest place to get access to YouTube videos and books and everything else is whyemotions.com
52:52
dot com so that's w hy why emotions dot com and that's my website and i've got links to
53:00
everything else my you know the paper books the audio books and all that stuff so
53:06
i'm definitely gonna have to i'm definitely gonna go get one of your books because uh
53:12
i always like to find new books to read especially because i always like to have a
53:18
a list of books to read especially when uh when i run up when i run out of books i tend not to read
53:28
so as i was like i'm gonna keep a list keep keep building up my reading list just so i never run
53:34
out and next year and in spring uh the new one's coming out on why you feel the way you do and i'm
53:41
real excited about that because i was able to research all the current stuff going on and
53:45
what's called affective neurobiology. And it turns out we've got seven emotional circuits
53:51
we share with all the other mammals, our pets and dogs and cats and whatever
53:56
And so I explore that and just how do you manage your emotional triggers and all that stuff
54:01
So it was a fun book to research. I definitely think that, I definitely agree on that
54:08
because every time when I get overly, I'll just say when my voice gets a little louder than normal
54:19
my dog, I have two dogs. Their name is Johnny and Scarlett
54:24
And Johnny, on their papers, they said that they're two golden retrievers
54:33
We're not really sure because we adopted them when they're less, I think
54:43
six years old I believe and they turned seven yeah that sounds about right and so they so we
54:51
when we adopted them but like he's such a big dog and whatnot but he's very skittish and whatnot
55:01
and he doesn't like loud voices so if you're like during a sports game if you're like yelling at the
55:08
TV or what not. He gets all scared and shakes and everything
55:13
He's like, oh, it's not even directed at you. And then we have one
55:18
of those robot vacuum cleaners that goes. And he gets so scared
55:26
Yeah, he's like, oh, come on. That thing won't even hurt you
55:31
He's like, you're on his bed. If it bumps into his bed, it goes in a different direction
55:36
and he was like, uh-uh, I'm out of this place. He must have had a bad owner previously
55:42
Yeah. We have a cat like that. The previous owner had little kids that tortured the cat
55:49
and she stayed underneath the cupboard for the first two weeks that we had her
55:54
But, you know, after several years, she's gotten really used to it. She's still real skittish around other people and loud noises
56:00
doesn't like the vacuum at all. But, yeah. it's funny though you know
56:07
my Johnny and Scarlett has these two they like squeaker toys and
56:16
they're like really high pitched so you step on it fully it's like one big
56:20
giant squeal and it's like oh you don't like loud noises but you like that though yeah
56:27
that's a friendly loud noise I was like really Johnny come on and like big dog and you're very sissy
56:39
i mean i mean that in a nice way as possible but it's like a sissy dog
56:45
so uh thank you for being on i hope you uh be willing to come back on for
56:50
uh for another episode and another time yeah well i'll be contacting next year when the new book
56:56
comes out uh i got some stuff i got medical i got some cataract surgery and stuff going on
57:01
next few weeks, but then that'll heal up and we'll be ready to move on
57:05
I'll give you a shout-out after the first of the year. Awesome. Thank you
57:10
Good luck with your surgery. I hope everything goes well. It's pretty routine, just a function of getting older
57:24
Well, I'll keep you posted when this episode goes live on the podcast
57:29
and I'll send you this live stream so you can share it with all your audiences
57:34
and whatnot Okay, thank you It's been a delightful being here so thank you for inviting me
57:41
You're welcome and let's stay in touch Okay So that's all that we have time for today
57:48
and so before we part for the day, you can follow me on social media at Jim McCleary
57:56
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