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you want love not just any love but the
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kind that makes life feel more alive
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more meaningful more whole the kind of
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love that sees you not just your body or
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your achievements but your soul but
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here's the truth we rarely speak aloud
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most people don't actually know how to
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love not because they don't want to but
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because they were never taught how not
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in school not at home not even by the
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people who said they loved them we were
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taught that love is something we find
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something that happens to us something
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out there but Eric from German
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psychoanalyst humanistic philosopher and
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author of the art of loving believed
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something radical love isn't a feeling
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you stumble into love is a skill a
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practice an art and like any art it
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requires patience discipline humility
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importantly it begins with you let's
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talk about it from begins his book with
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a bold statement love is the only sane
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and satisfactory answer to the problem
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existence let that land not success not
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safety not status love real love mature
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love the kind of love that connects not
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consumes but here's what most people
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miss from believed that modern society
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misunderstands love completely we think
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love is something you fall into like a
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ditch we think if we meet the right
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person everything will just work but he
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argues that this is why so many people
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are disappointed disillusioned or even
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destroyed by love because they approach
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it like a transaction a marketplace they
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shop for partners like they shop for
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shoes good fit good style affordable
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price done but real love is not
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consumerism it's not something you get
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it's something you give but you can't
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give what you haven't grown which is why
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all love begins with self-love not the
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narcissistic kind not ego stroking not
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standing in front of a mirror repeating
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I'm enough but the kind of self-love
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that from called self-respect
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self-discipline and self-awareness he
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writes "Love is an activity not a
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passive affect it is a standing in not a
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for." In other words love is not a trap
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you fall into it's a conscious stance a
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decision to show up to see to understand
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to nurture to grow and that decision
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must start with yourself so the first
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lesson one love is something you learn
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by practicing on yourself if you're
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always abandoning yourself criticizing
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yourself hiding from yourself then how
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can you be trusted to show up for
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someone else if you fear your own needs
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your own emotions your own shadows how
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can you hold someone else's from said
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"To be capable of love one must reach
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the position of maturity in which one
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has overcome narcissism in which one has
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gained objectivity and reason in which
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one has developed humility and the
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capacity for love love isn't just a
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feeling it's an act of maturity and you
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grow that maturity by showing yourself
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compassion discipline honesty and care
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every day but there's a second obstacle
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and it's one we rarely talk about we
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fear love because it makes us vulnerable
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prom observed this decades ago and it's
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even more true today in a world that
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praises independence hustle and image
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love demands the opposite surrender
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stillness sincerity that's terrifying
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for many people because we've been
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taught that love is conditional that if
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we're flawed we'll be rejected that if
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we open up we'll be hurt that if we
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depend we'll be left so instead we play
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roles we protect ourselves we perform
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but you can't be loved for who you truly
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are if you never show who you truly are
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so from says this to love demands
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courage and you can't outsource that you
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have to risk being seen you have to risk
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caring first you have to risk being hurt
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because to love is to offer your heart
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not to guarantee a return and it starts
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by becoming the kind of person who can
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love with courage who can sit in
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discomfort who can hold space for others
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without losing themselves but here's
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where from gets deeply practical and
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powerfully challenging he breaks love
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into four disciplines care
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responsibility respect null deed let's
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explore them each one a mirror to your
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capacity for self-love and mature
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connection care are you attentive to the
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people in your life do you show up not
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just when it's convenient but when it
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matters and with yourself do you care
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for your body your mind your needs your
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boundaries if not how can you love
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anyone else responsibility not control
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not guilt but presence from said
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responsibility is my response to the
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needs expressed or unexpressed of
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being are you capable of responding to
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the needs of someone you love and again
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can you respond to your own or do you
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run away numb out blame collapse love
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begins with how you handle yourself
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respect this might be the most
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misunderstood of all to from respect
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means the ability to see a person as he
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is to be aware of his unique
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individuality not trying to fix them not
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projecting on them not turning them into
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a version of yourself respect means
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letting someone be who they are and
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choosing to love them not your fantasy
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of them and again it begins with how you
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treat yourself do you respect your own
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feelings thoughts dreams and limits if
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not how can you do it for someone else
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knowledge to love is to know to seek
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understanding prom says love is possible
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only if two persons communicate with
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each other from the center of their
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existence not just surface level chatter
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not just compatibility checklists but
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deep mutual understanding and that means
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you must understand yourself your
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patterns your pain your needs your truth
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if you haven't explored your own inner
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world you'll project it onto others
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that's not love that's reenactment so
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what does it mean to learn how to love
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better it means learning how to become
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better at loving to treat love not as a
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magical accident but as a sacred
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responsibility skill a craft a path of
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personal evolution and the first step on
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that path start with yourself love
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yourself the way you wish someone had
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see yourself care for yourself respect
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yourself respond to yourself not because
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you're perfect but because you're
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growing and that growth will ripple
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outward because here's the final truth
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when you grow your capacity to love
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yourself maturely you raise the ceiling
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for every relationship you touch you
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don't need to chase love you need to
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embody it you don't need to perform to
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be loved you need to practice being
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loving the love you crave is not waiting
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out there it's waiting in you to be
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awakened deepened and shared so begin
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there with you and let the rest
