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The truth about cell phones in a relationship is that many of us ignore it. The truth is you have to fight cell phone addiction, the phone obsession before it destroys your relationship. Cell phone addiction can go unnoticed for a long time until it deteriorates your relationship, creates a rift between you and your partner and causes your relationship problems and a built-up of resentment.
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0:00
Yesterday I was out for dinner with some friends, and it seemed like every 30 seconds I was checking my phone
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Now, I would say that I'm not at all obsessed with my phone, but I never leave home without it
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After all, this isn't just for phone calls or social media. It's my planner, my alarm clock, my period tracker, my bank
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As phones have involved, we've evolved with them, and we're now totally indispensable to our lives
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But let's be honest, they're also totally addictive. They're designed that way
0:23
The bright colours on your screen, buzzers and beeps, calling you, come look at me, please
0:27
and when we do, our brains release a hit of dopamine. That's the same pleasure which drives us to seek out food, exercise, sex and chocolate
0:34
Let's not forget about chocolate, and we all know how addictive that can be. But what if your partner is the one with a phone addiction, and instead of sex, they're scrolling
0:41
Instead of WhatsApp, they're more WhatsApp. So what can you do? Well, for one, you can click the like button below so that more people who might be watching YouTube right now
0:49
instead of actually hanging out of their partner will get to see this video. But seriously, what can you do
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Talk to them. Well, first of all, I suggest talking. to them. I know I say this all the time, but people are not mind readers. So if you think that your
1:02
partner has a problem, then you need to talk to them and get it out in the open. Be honest about it. What is
1:07
that bothers you, how it makes you feel, and why it makes you feel that way. You might feel ignored
1:11
taken for granted or unloved. Whatever it is, let them know. But make sure you don't make them feel
1:15
like they're just a crappy partner. That will just put them on the defensive. Try to put it across
1:19
as wanting to improve your relationship and make sure you say how great they are in other ways
1:24
Keep it positive. Keep it real. Maybe just by talking out, they will. will make things more open to change
1:29
Is it work or play? We all know that apps and social media are designed to keep you on the scrolling away
1:34
They're addictive by design. But working your phone can become addictive too
1:38
so check out what they're actually doing on their phone. Figure out if it's work or play, because if it's work, then it could be that they're actually a workaholic
1:44
and that will require a totally different approach. I put a link in the description below for some advice on how to deal with this Ask them how they are feeling Phone addiction and social media addiction are problems in their own right but they could be masking other mental health issues So ask them why they enjoy using their phone so much Maybe they do it to unwind or
2:02
relax, a bit like those in 1950s dad with their newspaper dinner table, right? Or maybe something else
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is going. Like they hate their job or they have family problems. They may feel powerless to change
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the situation so they scroll social media feeds and binge watch videos to escape it
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They're using a phone like a crutch to help them forget about it. What if it's depression
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Remember that dopamine release I talked about? Well, they could be using their phone to trigger that and control their depression in some way
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Of course, that's not a cure for depression. Far from it. The problem is that they may feel even more depressed when they stop using their phone
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causing them to want to use it more. Had technology free times and zones
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It's a good idea to make some rules for when you can't touch your phone. For example, during dinner or when you have a date night
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hopefully this will give you a chance to have some genuine conversation rather than ones that revolve around other people's photos or their food or their funny pet videos
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Make your own fun instead of watching other people having it. And I think that we can all agree that turning our phone on first thing in the morning
2:58
and diving straight into the work email isn't a great way to start the day
3:01
But we all do it. If your partner is having trouble disengaging from their phone, then try making the hour or at least half hour before bed
3:08
and when you wake up phones free. Doing this might mean that you're more likely to talk to each other
3:12
and touch each other when you get between the sheets. Get intimate, which leads me to my next point
3:17
Get intimate. If we get the same stimulation from our smartphones that we do when having physical contact with other humans
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try stepping up your intimacy game. Whether you just loving caress your partner more, hug them more
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or get up close and personal between the sheets, show them that you are far better way to get dopamine hit that a phone screen does
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Suggest a few changes to settings. Suggest to your partner that you might want to make a habit of turning off notifications for everything
3:40
except urgent phone calls when you meant to be having quality couple or family time If their phone isn vibrating or beeping they more likely to be able to forget about it and focus on being present instead Set an example
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I wouldn't mind betting that even though your partner's smartphone use bothers you, you could do with a little less screen time yourself
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Make it clear to your partner that you're putting your phone away when you're with them so they can be your sole focus
4:04
Constantly try to reduce your phone time using an app like space and tell your partner what you're trying to do
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Seeing you consciously trying to make changes when you already spend less time in your phone
4:13
than they do when make your partner realize that you need to address their problem
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If they're willing, get them to use the same app and compare usage on regular basis
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It might shock them to learn just how many hours they spend looking at their phone each day
4:25
Change your behaviour. There's a few things you can do to help reduce your partner's screen time
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like just stop what you're doing until they pay attention. Stop talking, stop walking, stop eating
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pause a TV or music. They'll soon notice and realise that they aren't focused on you
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or what you are doing. This can jar them into paying more attention. You can also try maintaining eye contact whilst talking to them
4:44
You know, it's natural to look away when someone's talking to you. But it might be triggering your partner to check their phone
4:50
because they think that you won't notice or what you're talking about isn't that important
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And dare I say it, interesting, it's much harder for them to turn away if you lock their gaze
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If they're still hyper-focused on the phone, then try texting them and ask them to put their phone down
5:04
They're looking at it so they won't be able to avoid your message. And if they do ignore you, then let them know it's not acceptable
5:09
Reenforce their positive behaviour with praise and appreciation. It's important that the way your partner acts in the way that you would
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like them to act, in this case by spending less time looking at their phone and more time
5:19
engaged with you, that you reinforce the behaviour. Rewarding your partner with praise
5:23
and appreciation helps to tie this new behaviour with feeling good about making you feel good
5:27
By telling them how well they are doing or simply thanking them for taking the time to put
5:31
their phone down you teach them what is desirable action This is opposed to nagging or punishing your partner for what is not a desirable action Nobody likes nagging Positive reinforcers make them feel good for which translates into a desire to repeat that behaviour again
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Negative reinforce it's more like to push them away or make them put their defence up
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So let them know how much you appreciate that they put their phone down for you and make sure you do the same when they ask you
5:55
Be patient and consistent. A genuine phone addiction isn't something that your partner will be able to overcome an instant
6:01
It is going to take time and effort for them to gradually reduce their phone usage
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so you will need to be patient with your partner during this process. Expect slip-ups
6:09
Rome wasn't built in the day. Expect them to get lost in their phone sometimes
6:13
Expect it to annoy you. You know it'll be so prepared for it because otherwise you'll end up arguing about the damn tone again
6:18
Just ask that they're consistent in their effort to tackle the problem. It can't be something that they try for a week and expect to be cured
6:24
They will have to keep identifying what is overusing their phone and keep finding ways to drag themselves away from whatever they are doing it
6:31
For your part, you can be consistent with your reminders when they try falling back into bad habits again
6:36
Raising your unhappiness once every few months won't make them believe that it's a big issue to you
6:40
You need to keep pointing out to them that they are not listening to you or watching videos whilst walking with you
6:45
If they are on board about tackling the issue, they won't mind so much when you keep bringing it up
6:49
as long as you do it in the right way. A neutral and concise statement can communicate your point
6:54
without getting them upset about it. Look, if it's a phone addiction
6:58
then it may be able to talk to a professional about it. I'll leave a link in the description below
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for you to contact someone. someone if you feel you can't do with it alone. Okay, so I hope it works out and you get it
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resolved so that your relationship can benefit from it. Relationships are about people so
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anytime a machine or an app gets between the two of you, it's not ideal. I wish you all the
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best and I'll see you next time. Bye
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