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I Kicked Her Out After Her Affair, Then She Fought For Us | Wistaloom
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Jun 16, 2025
#redditrelationship #aita #redditstories I Kicked Her Out After Her Affair, Then She Fought For Us | Wistaloom Welcome to Wistaloom, where we delve into the untold stories of human experience. Today, we bring you a profoundly honest and raw account of betrayal, pain, and an extraordinary journey toward forgiveness and reconciliation. This isn't just a story about an affair; it's a testament to the complex depths of the human heart and the difficult path to healing.
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there are some wounds that cut so deep they feel like they'll never truly heal
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Some pains that fundamentally change you For years I carried a part of a story a
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part of myself that I rarely delved into the depth of with anyone It was a story
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intimately tied to my wife Jenny Concerns always lingered for her because I rarely articulated how her affair
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impacted and changed me with anyone other than her I believe she feared that I might harbor some repressed hatred for
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her A quiet festering resentment but I don't It's akin to touching a hot
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stove Do it once and you never purposely do it again That's how I am about my
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emotions I'm not devoid of them but I choose to keep some safeguarded within
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myself protected from the world Yet my wife Jenny was resolute She was fine
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with sharing our story even encouraging me to include more details than I initially intended Her reasoning was
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simple yet profound Everyone needed the complete picture to understand why she ardently pursued
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reconciliation with me why it worked for us to grasp why I resisted so fiercely
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and to comprehend how I now perceive our love and marriage differently After drafting the initial version of
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this narrative I read it and felt an uneasy feeling about how my wife appeared in the story and subsequently
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in our marriage While she had no issue with the written account I decided to include this upfront because it's vital
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to the full truth My wife evolved into an incredible spouse mother and woman
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She holds a professional degree in her career and is well regarded and admired in her field
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She suffered significantly admittedly due to her actions and to no lesser degree from me during reconciliation
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She truly underwent a transformative process and emerged as strong as steel
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Her betrayal was devastating yes but in my case it was the circumstances surrounding the affair that ultimately
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allowed me to forgive her Not to excuse her but to forgive her I lost a part of
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the good in me through this pain a piece of my own inherent likeness
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In contrast she emerged from it as a better person refined by the fire
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At times I resent that imbalance that she gained while I seemingly lost
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But then I see the profound positivity she has brought to my life over the 23 years since this happened And it's okay
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It genuinely is I'm presenting this chronologically though obviously I wasn't aware of some events until later
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The intimate details come from writings my wife did for therapeutic reasons something she also incorporated into our
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reconciliation process We still have the notebooks a tangible history of our pain and recovery
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planning to burn them on our 50th wedding anniversary We married young at 20
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About a year later I decided to go back to school part-time to finish my degree
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Eventually we had a child our son Leo and the pressure to complete my degree
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intensified Leo had just turned two when I started my last year of college Two semesters
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were all I needed a finish line I could almost taste In September of 1993 my
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life was a relentless blur of commitments My schedule included a part-time job
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from 3:00 a.m to 7:00 a.m as a store stalker followed by a full-time administrative job at the police
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department from 8:00 a.m to 5:00 p.m Tuesday nights meant classes from 5:30
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p.m to 10:00 p.m and Saturdays were dedicated to classes from 8:00 a.m to 2:00 p.m My wife worked as a nurse's aid
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at a local hospital from 8:00 a.m to 3:00 p.m My mother cared for our son Leo during
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the day and both our jobs as well as my parents' home were conveniently within a 10-minute drive from one another It was
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the best setup possible for what I was trying to accomplish An intricate dance of logistics that on paper worked
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perfectly The weekend before the world shifted we were in constant arguments
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It was spring of 1994 finals week for me If I completed my papers and passed my
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finals by the following Sunday we would be celebrating my completion of a Bachelor of Science degree finally
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ending this grueling 8-month schedule But she was upset complaining that I
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wouldn't take time off from studying to take her and our son somewhere She had been complaining about my work and
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school for some time the pressure and exhaustion on my end making me less attentive more withdrawn
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It had gotten so bad that we had stopped being intimate two months prior The emotional distance was palpable a
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chasm growing between us On this specific Monday evening I was verifying a research paper I had finished on
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Saturday which was due Tuesday evening The clock was ticking and my focus was
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absolute But she consistently engaged in arguments picking at me pushing every
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button Finally my patience snapped I instructed her to be quiet and stop
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behaving like a child my voice tight with exhaustion and frustration She stared at me a defiant almost cold
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look in her eyes and then with chilling clarity boldly declared "I hate you and
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I am in love with someone else." Just like that the words hung in the air
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echoing in the small living room striking me with the force of a physical blow I was stunned We argued for about
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an hour the conversation a chaotic whirlwind of accusations and denials until she confessed about an incident
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earlier that day during lunch at work For the past 2 months she had been involved in an emotional affair with a
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janitor at the hospital a man we'll call Mark Essentially it began innocently enough
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with him complimenting her a small spark of validation she hadn't been receiving
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He consistently appeared every time she turned around a convenient presence a
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sympathetic ear This progressed to lunch together in the cafeteria and then
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regular sessions of complaining about me to him painting a picture of my neglect my absorption in school About 2 weeks
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prior their wine sessions their shared complaints and emotional intimacy shifted to the car She later admitted to
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kissing him twice during that time tentative steps across a forbidden line
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but today it escalated into a full makeout session concluding with romantic activities and a declaration of their
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love for each other Upon hearing this the details unfurling before me like a slow motion nightmare I essentially
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disconnected from the conscious world My mind unable to process such a
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betrayal dissociated from all reality I may delve into further details regarding
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my thought process that night later In the meantime this is what my wife wrote about that moment in her notebooks a raw
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unvarnished account from her perspective It was strange
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When I informed him of what we had done I was fully prepared for some type of outburst a scream a furious accusation
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However he just looked at me with the most horrible pain imaginable Then it transformed into something
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indescribable Blankness He turned around and walked to the bedroom quietly closing the door I
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remember getting angry He wouldn't even fight for me Brad At that moment I felt
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I had made the right decision and everything was going to work out I did it I was breaking free from the man who
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had been ignoring me for all these months I returned to the living room with a suitcase my movement stiff
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robotic I walked past her out the front door the weight of the moment pressing down I
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recall her repeatedly asking where I thought I was going accusing me of running home to mommy Her voice sharp
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with defiance Placing the suitcase in the driveway I went back in grabbed her purse from the
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counter held it out and instructed her my voice flat devoid of emotion "Leave."
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This shocked her into silence for a moment She refused still defiant
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Without another word I gently yet firmly carried her over my shoulder walked out
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the door and sat her on the car hood Her sheer shock allowed me the precious few
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seconds I needed to reenter the house lock the front door and prevent her attempts to get back in Eventually she
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left driving away to stay with her parents informing them only that we had separated without disclosing the
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devastating reason It was a long desolate night I informed both my jobs of a family emergency managed to sleep
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at some point out of sheer exhaustion and woke up at 7 dur a.m My mind now
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coldly calculating immediately began planning how to minimize contact with my wife I called my mother to watch over
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Leo who was blissfully unaware of the cataclysm that had just struck our lives
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I made a detailed to-do list dropped Leo off and briefly explained to my mother
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that we would talk later that day postponing the inevitable difficult conversation My first stop was the
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office of a lawyer friend of my family He had gone to school with my dad and I
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had known him all my life I expressed my unwavering desire to initiate divorce
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proceedings promptly He listened attentively to my narrative his face etched with sympathy and suggested
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taking some time to think to process But I remained firm my resolve
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unshakable He mentioned he could finalize the divorce papers by the day's end I
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informed him I would retrieve them that day and personally file them with the clerk's office Handling such matters was
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ironically part of my responsibilities at my police department job Subsequently
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I obtained new locks for the house a symbolic gesture of severing ties and
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then made a visit to the bank I closed both our savings and checking accounts meticulously placing half the funds in
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an envelope I visited my sister-in-law at her workplace a place I knew Jenny
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wouldn't be I delivered my wife's share of the money instructing her to convey a simple stark message My wife should not
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contact me and this represented her portion from the bank Additionally I informed her about canceling our soul
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credit card ensuring a complete financial separation at my mom's place
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Later that day I divulged all the details the raw truth My sister and
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little sister immediately devised a plan for the latter to stay at my house caring for Leo while I juggled work and
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school for the remainder of the week Returning home I changed the locks a
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final definitive action I spent the afternoon cleaning scrubbing away any lingering traces of betrayal and bonding
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with Leo then proceeded to school a semblance of normaly amidst the chaos My
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wife Jenny chose not to go to work that day the weight of her actions perhaps
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keeping her home Instead she reached out to Mark the janitor to share the events He showed
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sympathy a ready ear and invited her to his house that evening to escape the stress to find solace in the chaos she
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had created More details about this house will be shared later in this account In short
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she went and they were intimate Here is her stark confessional account
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of that night He drifted into sleep afterward Initially I felt so thrilled a
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perverse sense of freedom But as it unfolded and afterward it started to feel inappropriate
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Since he was asleep my mind began to wander I reflected on Brad and how he
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had influenced me to seek someone else I got up and departed During the drive
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home memories of the first time I was intimate with Brad flooded back We were each other's first and only I broke down
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contemplating how disgusted I was with myself Then I found myself angry at Brad
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once more It truly became a sick cycle I refused to confront the responsibility
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of the truly terrible thing I had done I convinced myself it was his fault 2 days later that day began as normal I went to
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work came home showered and ate breakfast with Leo and my sister My wife
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called and wanted to make arrangements to see our son Jenny's voice on the phone was cocky spiteful a sharp
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contrast to the distress she would soon face I told her that I would meet her Sunday at 1 p.m and she could spend some
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time with him at a local park She wasn't going for that She wanted him for the
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weekend I said no She knew him staying at the house solved the babysitting issue for right now Both her parents
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worked so she did not push it but she did slam the phone down The anger evident even through the line I went to
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work at the police department and the first chance I got I went to the clerk's office and officially filed for the
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divorce It felt like a weight lifted a definitive step towards reclaiming my
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life Later in the day I was notified by a girl I knew there that the papers were
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ready to go to the sheriff's office to be served I called a deputy I knew a reliable colleague and told him the
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abbreviated story asking him to serve them to her at work He said he would The next day Jenny also returned to work the
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next day Mark came by her station and chatted her up throughout the day their clandestine world seemingly intact
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However they were not able to eat lunch together that day nor meet that evening
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He claimed he had to go to something with one of his kids He had told my wife earlier in the affair he was divorced
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and had three kids a convenient lie She went to her parents after work Later
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that night she called me three times and each time I hung up on her after I found out it was her Caller ID was not the
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norm back then in my area So recognizing the number was an instant trigger for my anger After another long night of
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grieving a silent battle fought within the confines of my own mind my day
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started out like the day before I went to work After I arrived at my second job
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I received a phone call from the deputy that was going to serve the papers He told me he would get there around noon I
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explained that would be fine Her lunch hour was from 11:00 a.m to noon I sat at
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my desk and tried to work but I was antsy my stomach churning with anticipation and anxiety
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I got up and went to the restroom at least three times until I finally threw up A visceral reaction to the coiled
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tension inside me I calmed myself and kept reminding myself it was the right thing to do the only path forward
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Thankfully I had not heard from my wife so far that day At 11:0 a.m that day my
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wife meets Mark for lunch They retire to his car in the parking lot and are intimate a final desperate act in their
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illicit affair They clean up go back inside and grab something in the cafeteria for lunch a
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pretense of normaly At noon my wife returns to the nurse's station on her hall along with Mark and starts talking
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to the registered nurse in charge of the hall completely unaware of the storm about to break 5 minutes later the
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deputy walks in He asks the nurse where he can find Jenny She speaks up "Yes
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that's me." The deputy turns to her and in a loud clear voice says "You are
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being sued for divorce due to infidelity." My wife falls on the floor Here are her
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words describing what happened next pulled directly from her notebooks a testament to her profound shame Upon
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hearing that a profound wave of shame and guilt engulfed me The realization
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struck that I had irreparably damaged my marriage and that Brad was genuinely proceeding with a divorce not just an
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empty threat A misguided part of me naively clung to the hope that he wouldn't follow through
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deluding myself into thinking it was just another argument I could somehow win Reflecting on it now it's sick
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thinking I distinctly recall the deputy physically lifting me and placing me in a chair amid screams emanating from me a
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raw guttural sound of my world crumbling The head nurse attempted to pacify my
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escalating distress her voice a calm balm I couldn't absorb In the tumult my
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affair partner attempted to grasp my hand a gesture of comfort that sparked a new rage In my emotional turmoil I
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struck him The punch veered to his neck as he recoiled leaving a scratch My
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vehement outburst accused him of ruining my life externalizing the blame I couldn't yet accept At 5:30 p.m that day
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I was having dinner with Leo at home My sister was out with friends and we were simply spending time together a small
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island of calm in the storm The deputy had relayed the earlier events and I
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took some grim satisfaction in knowing the consequences that had unfolded for them both
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Mark being there when the papers were served was just blind luck but a satisfying coincidence
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I was surprised Jenny hadn't been arrested for assaulting him But hey you can't have everything Then a knock at
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the door interrupted our evening Before me stood a lady about 5'5 tall
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and enormously pregnant barely able to stand straight She asked for Jenny I
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explained she no longer lived there and wouldn't be returning confirming I was her soon-to-be ex-husband
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I then informed her with a detached finality that I had served the divorce papers that day
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She introduced herself as Wendy the janitor's wife pregnant with their fourth child
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Despite my reluctance a morbid curiosity compelled me to let her in to sit down Wendy her face etched with pain and
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anger disclosed the earlier events Mark's firing and the shocking circumstances surrounding it It made me
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feel nauseous Who had I married She also shared details about the house
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where my wife met Mark a place rented specifically for these illicit encounters
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At that moment I wished I could erase him from existence not for my wife's sake but for the sake of humanity This
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guy was despicable More on the house later After assuring me that she only wanted
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to talk to Jenny and reveal the truth to her Wendy left A woman on a mission of painful honesty One hour later Wendy
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approached my father-in-law's house seeking to speak to my wife who she believed was a friend of Jenny's
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When Jenny appeared Wendy disclosed her true identity and the full crushing truth about Mark Wendy and Mark were
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still married and she was 8 months pregnant with their fourth child Jenny was immediately upset crying and
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repeatedly apologizing her facade crumbling However the revelation took a darker
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more sickening turn Mark along with another hospital colleague and a friend
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had been playing a depraved game scoring how many married women they could seduce within 90 days until my wife the third
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man was leading with three My wife became the janitor's third conquest And chillingly on the night he
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claimed to be with one of his kids he engaged with the fourth woman According to Wendy this fourth lady had been
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married for 25 years and Wendy was informing her husband Then to make it
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worse it was their neighbor The house served as a dedicated place rented for
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these encounters with married women Wendy learned about this horrific deception 2 hours after his termination
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He had returned home intoxicated and tearful Confessing everything in a desperate attempt to reconcile Wendy
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left with her kids telling my wife her voice trembling with fury that she was leaving him Then with a sudden decisive
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movement she squared up her shoulders slapped my wife hard across the face and
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called her a foolish cow Jenny was stunned frozen by the raw emotion Wendy told her she should be
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ashamed of tossing away her family recounting how she had witnessed a loving man feeding his son alone because
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his wife was a foolish selfish person without morals Overwhelmed my wife lost control crying
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uncontrollably while Wendy walked away got in the car and left My in-laws
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checked on her after Wendy's car drove off She was essentially catatonic unresponsive her mind reeling from the
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cascade of revelations They got her inside and considered taking her to the emergency room when
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she began speaking incoherently words tumbling out in a nonsensical stream My
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father-in-law a good honest man thought she might be on drugs perhaps speed She
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eventually expressed remorse and a desperate determination to fix things They eventually calmed her down and
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learned the whole ugly story My father-in-law was deeply hurt his
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face reflecting the shame and disappointment he felt He later said Jenny could see that pain etched on his
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face As for my mother-in-law as usual she blamed me finding a way to deflect
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responsibility from her daughter I'm not fond of her to put it mildly In the aftermath my father-in-law called me the
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next day He apologized a moment of profound humility That was the only time
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I ever suspected he had tears in his eyes He shared what had happened and mentioned that Jenny had been in her
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room all day and night barely moving I informed him about the appointment I had
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scheduled for her to meet me on Sunday at 1:00 p.m at the park to see Leo He simply said "Okay," and hung up I worked
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on Friday and attended school on Saturday my focus unwavering
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By day's end I learned I had passed and would officially receive my degree It
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was bittersweet a victory tainted by the personal devastation but I had made it
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My parents celebrated that night with extended family coming over and cooking out I have a great family and their
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presence was a grounding comfort The next day no one brought up Jenny a
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silent acknowledgement of the raw wound At the time I hadn't heard from her and
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her absence from the park meeting was a blessing I thought I could use in a custody hearing if needed At 3:30 p.m
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that Sunday her father called again He mentioned Jenny was still not responding coherently walking around in her
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bathrobe with a notebook in her hands not bathing eating sparingly He was
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worried and tired afraid to sleep in case she hurt herself He asked me to come see her to intervene
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but I declined I couldn't feel anything for her at that moment The betrayal had burned me clean
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of all tenderness I told him to get her some help professional help and I would
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allow her to see our son when she could get herself together I truly felt nothing for her That first
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night I had gone through my trial by fire and emerged stronger a different person
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I wasn't going to care about this person ever again I didn't hear from her or her family for two long weeks Two weeks
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elapsed since I last spoke with my father-in-law During that time I quit my part-time
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stocking job and actively sought a new less grueling one I had plans to pursue
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my MBA but wanted to settle into a new job for a year or two First Leo was
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asking about his mother a constant innocent ache in my heart and I could only comfort him with vague reassurances
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at that point The longer she went without reaching out to see him the better for my chances of
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securing a good custody deal a cold calculation born of profound hurt I was at the police department when she
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finally called asking to set up a time to meet and see our son I inquired if
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she had pulled herself together enough not to scare him my voice flat devoid of warmth She replied affirmatively I told
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her I would meet her at 9:00 a.m at the park on Saturday and asked her to bring her dad I didn't want to meet her alone
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not yet My mother went with me a silent pillar of support Upon seeing her I knew
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I had made the right decision to limit her contact to only 2 hours She was a mess significant weight loss no makeup
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and lacking the feminine smells I associated with her I later learned her mother had bathed and dressed her Jenny
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was not fully functional yet A ghost of her former self they managed to soo her
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The deputy informed Mark that he promptly left allowing her to resume her shift though she was likely in no state
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to do so However a colleague nurse provided significant cover for her shielding her
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from the full glare of the hospital's gossip 3 hours later as Jenny neared the end of
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her shift she received a summon to the hospital administrator's office leaving her frightened suspecting someone had
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reported her outburst Upon arrival the lady closed the door and promptly delivered the news of her
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termination instructing her not to return to the property and that her last check would be sent through the mail
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It appeared that someone had witnessed the incident in the parking lot and reported it triggering subsequent events
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The head nurse who had been informed about the divorce papers shared the story leading to Mark being questioned
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fired and escorted off the property an hour before Jenny's termination
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The entire hospital was now aware of the unfolding drama the whispers following Jenny's every move She mentioned that
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she just went to the car and drove to her parents At this point they still didn't know the full extent of the
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situation only that she and I had separated and it seemed serious Park meetings continued for approximately 3
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weeks and I cautiously extended them to 4 hours including Sundays
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While she appeared to improve each week I remained deeply concerned about her mental health which led me to avoid
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letting our son stay with her overnight or see him alone Eventually my mother-in-law Ever the
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Medler grew tired of this arrangement and hired an attorney to sue for custody
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At this point Jenny had not yet signed the divorce papers but I was okay with that knowing I could petition for a
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divorce in 6 months even without her signature However the custody suit angered me She sought full custody
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despite my prior willingness conveyed to her father to eventually work towards 50/50 custody once she was stable Her
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mother dismissed this and demanded full custody In response I requested full
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custody on the grounds of mental defect I was ready for a legal battle needing
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an outlet for my sthing anger and this was it On the day of the custody hearing my lawyer informed me that her attorney
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had a request Jenny wanted to speak with me privately
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Initially I declined The thought of being alone with her still too raw
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But they proposed doing so in the hallway outside the courtroom visible to both attorneys yet with inaudible
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conversation I reluctantly agreed During our private conversation she
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engaged in small talk inquiring about our son's well-being and my school I
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informed her that I had passed and graduation was next week a fact that made her visibly happy A strange
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misplaced joy When she asked to attend my graduation I declined stating that it was for family
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and friends and she was neither This deeply hurt her particularly since
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we had worked together for most of our time to achieve this goal I further rejected her my words precise daggers by
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emphasizing "It's special to me It didn't matter enough to you when you let someone use you like trash." My behavior
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became increasingly hostile driven by a primal need to inflict pain to make her feel a fraction of what she had made me
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feel She teared up returned to her attorney and the hearing commenced During the hearing I testified without
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any unusual revelations simply stating the facts from my perspective
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However my mother-in-law then took the stand and placed all the blame on me accusing me of seeing someone which
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allegedly drove my wife crazy Although there was no proof of this baseless claim she cared little for the truth
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only for protecting her daughter's image She also claimed I had assaulted my wife by grabbing her and throwing her on the
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hood of the car on the night she left a deliberate distortion of the truth Then it was Jenny's turn While answering
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questions from her lawyer she abruptly stopped a sudden stillness descending upon the courtroom and asked the judge
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if she could speak freely Advised to confer with her attorney she declined and proceeded
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Here are my wife's exact words from her notebook capturing the profound turning point I remember how sad I was after the
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hearing started I listened to Brad give his side of the story and how he had taken care of our boy all these weeks I
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needed to make this right I sat there listening to Mama and I knew she was lying to protect me But it was just
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another lie on top of a lie I had enough I had to fix this Jenny then expressed
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her desire to apologize to my parents and her own parents Her voice clear despite her tears
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Looking at me her eyes filled with a raw honesty She acknowledged that I probably
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hated her more than anyone in the world at that moment She accepted full responsibility for everything that had
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transpired hoping to salvage anything left of our relationship even if it only
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meant that I could look at her without disgust She informed the judge of her decision to withdraw her custody claim
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and would adhere to any custody arrangement I saw fit to give her I conferred with my attorney a quick
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whispered exchange and we offered supervised 1-hour visits for 6 weeks with our son staying with her every
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other weekend after that if no issues arose We adjourned
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Looking back I think that is when I saw a small ray of possibility Not reconciliation not yet but a chance
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that we could be nicer to each other at least cordial The schedule for Leo's visits worked well After the third week
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we began spending visitation time with just her me and our son usually extending to 3 or 4 hours Although I
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wasn't friendly maintaining a guarded distance I genuinely enjoyed watching our son play with his mother benefiting
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them both immensely from this renewed connection The only negative incident occurred
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during the fifth visit when she hugged my right arm from behind while I was watching our son play
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I freaked out a visceral reaction to the unexpected touch yelling at her never to
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touch me again The next week we acted as though nothing happened and she carefully kept her
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distance One more month passed and our discussions increasingly centered on day-to-day matters a fragile semblance
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of normaly I landed a new job with a higher salary and she commenced nursing school
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beginning to rebuild her own life She started sharing with me that the janitor
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Mark persistently called her and refused to leave her alone Wanting to be
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transparent she informed me in case I heard about it confirming that she had asked him to back off
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However he still appeared at her parents house one night prompting her father-in-law to threaten intervention
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if he persisted Indifferent to her romantic involvement at this point I expressed that I no
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longer cared about whom she slept with My emotional well completely dry She assured me she was not involved with
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anyone and wouldn't be until she was certain that our family could not be reunited an outcome I asserted was
32:46
unlikely 6 months after our separation I broached the topic of her signing the
32:51
divorce papers wanting to finalize the legal aspect To my surprise she refused
32:59
reminding her that her signature was unnecessary but would streamline the process She proposed a meeting that
33:05
night at our house for a discussion If I still desired a divorce after that conversation she agreed to sign the
33:12
papers that night I consented curious despite myself She arrived with small
33:18
black composition notebooks resembling bound books clutched in her hands She explained that she began jotting down
33:25
thoughts the day after receiving the divorce papers unsure why but finding it profoundly helpful She detailed
33:32
everything she could recall about the events in as much detail as possible She wanted me to read it cautioning that it
33:39
would be emotionally challenging Despite my reluctance a deep-seated fear of revisiting the pain she insisted
33:46
acknowledging the risk but feeling compelled to help me understand why she was attempting to salvage our marriage
33:52
why she was fighting so desperately Reluctantly I read it It proved to be a
33:58
difficult harrowing experience The intimate details of her affair were not explicitly described but alluded to
34:05
in general terms leaving much to my imagination which was almost worse What
34:11
she said about me and our marriage to the janitor however was deeply impactful
34:17
Twisting a fresh knife in my old wounds the book chronicled her mental breakdown
34:22
Initially presented in a jumble and unorganized manner but gradually improving each day becoming more
34:28
coherent She began to analyze her actions deeming it her therapy a desperate attempt to
34:34
make sense of her world One passage described a truly irrational conclusion she reached believing it
34:41
would rectify everything According to her she remembered she never climaxed with the janitor
34:48
concluding that if she didn't it meant she did not enjoy it Therefore she believed she had done nothing wrong and
34:54
I should take her back This belief persisted until she discussed it with her dad who uncomfortably clarified that
35:01
it didn't work that way Although reading the book didn't change my decision to divorce her it instilled a profound
35:07
sense of fear in me I remained concerned about her mental state until I read the
35:13
content and the raw unhinged way she wrote completely unaware of how fragile
35:18
her mind had become during those two weeks Immediately after the papers were served seeing her vulnerability the
35:25
depth of her self-deception and pain I agreed to give it more time This emboldened her to encourage me to write
35:31
to her to sit down and compose a letter or something about what had happened
35:37
from my perspective She believed it would provide her with a better understanding of how to assist me
35:43
in my recovery Acknowledging my own emotional turmoil the suppressed rage and pain I
35:50
considered that it might help me move on and potentially lead to a healthier relationship down the road even if it
35:57
wasn't with her What I referred to as her writing therapy evolved into scheduled meetings twice a week Our
36:05
initial assignment was to document our perception of the state of our marriage before D-Day
36:11
During these meetings we exchanged letters made notes and posed questions in writing The rules were
36:18
straightforward Answer honestly no yelling and no refusal to answer any question We
36:25
commenced with an analysis of our pre-affair marriage progressing through each subsequent day until the Sunday I
36:31
spoke with her father after she received the divorce papers After that we would reassess and proceed
36:37
accordingly I must admit I behaved terribly during this period While I
36:43
answered questions honestly there was one exception which I'll address later I
36:48
used the opportunity to humiliate her making her repeatedly recount the negative things she said to the janitor
36:54
about me I compelled her to provide excruciating details about their carnal encounters Despite being relatively
37:01
vanilla compared to our pre-affair experiences together it was genuinely hurtful to hear
37:08
Initially I believed I could handle it since I had no interest in reconciliation
37:13
It was merely a process for me to move past the anger However hearing those
37:18
intimate details was incredibly tough Looking back it's astonishing how cruel
37:24
I had become how much pain I actively inflicted But in my mind it was entirely
37:29
justified at the time After about a month of this agonizing process I had to
37:34
acknowledge that it helped me to some extent slowly draining the poison from my system
37:40
She proposed moving back in and taking the next step towards rebuilding our life but I refused
37:47
Despite her pleading and a compelling argument about how it would help us heal faster I stood my ground
37:54
I explained that even if I entertained the idea of reconciliation I couldn't be
37:59
intimate with her again the thought still abhorrent She accepted this difficult condition even suggesting I
38:06
could explore outside the marriage while she remained faithful to our potential reconciliation
38:12
That wasn't my character however so I declined After another month my defenses wore down and I relented but I imposed
38:20
strict rules non-negotiable terms that firmly established the boundaries of this precarious arrangement First she
38:27
had to sleep in the spare room Second absolutely no physical contact was
38:32
allowed between us Third she could keep her money in her checking account but I
38:38
managed her banking and provided checks for her bills rent for the room expenses and spending money
38:45
This was due to her giving the janitor $300 from our savings account a week before D-Day a fact that still stung
38:53
Moreover I anticipated that she might decline to move in under such austere conditions but she didn't
39:00
Fourth her mother was not permitted to enter my home until we decided to reconcile as I was still deeply upset
39:06
with her constant blaming Fifth all prior custody agreements would
39:12
automatically be reinstated if reconciliation didn't happen a clear escape clause for me Sixth if I found
39:20
someone else she had one week to move out She agreed to these terms every
39:25
single one and moved in It proved to be more challenging than I anticipated I no
39:31
longer had the cooling down period between the times I saw her She was simply there all the time a constant
39:37
reminder This led to frequent small fights and more hurtful remarks from me My anger
39:44
still simmering close to the surface I wanted her out shortly after she moved back in The proximity almost unbearable
39:52
We then initiated Thursday night fight night a concept stemming from our writing session born out of necessity
40:00
Every Thursday night after our son was asleep we would discuss ongoing issues or arguments in the living room These
40:06
matters had to be resolved before bedtime and could not linger This practice persists in a modified
40:12
form today simply involving a dinner check-in about any issues to address that night The kids remained unaware of
40:20
its origin or purpose I continued to be difficult bringing up her affair at
40:25
every opportunity twisting the knife She handled it with composure never engaging
40:30
in the conflict absorbing my cruelty like a sponge At that point I would acknowledge I was
40:37
emotionally cruel to her Nevertheless she remained resilient recognizing that
40:42
we were meant to be together Since she played a part in destroying our lives she was committed to
40:48
rebuilding them independently until I could see what she saw and join her She
40:54
was willing to give me the time I needed no matter how long or how painful 6 months after she moved back in I
41:00
experienced my own breakthrough a pivotal moment in our healing
41:06
After a particularly challenging day filled with triggers memories and painful thoughts I locked myself in the
41:13
bedroom unable to endure it any longer My wife came to the door knocked softly
41:20
and then her voice gentle said "You need to talk I'll be out here when you think
41:25
you can." I heard her slide down the door sit on the floor and lean her back
41:30
against the door a silent unwavering presence For an hour she patiently
41:35
waited and it was almost midnight when I finally opened the door She inquired if
41:41
she could enter and I declined still needing a barrier suggesting we go to her room
41:48
Once in her room she sat on the bed and I settled into a chair the distance still important It was then that I
41:55
finally revealed what occurred after I asked her to leave the night I discovered the affair
42:00
Following her departure I spent significant time in our son's room silently watching him sleep seeking
42:07
solace in his innocence I retrieved the checkbook bill ledger and a copy of the life insurance policy
42:14
from my desk placing them conspicuously on the kitchen table a silent grim
42:19
preparation After a shower I retrieved my 38 from the closet shelf laid it on the bed
42:26
dressed combed my hair and sat on the bed grappling with the metallic taste of
42:32
oil on the barrel I distinctly recall becoming fixated on that taste identical
42:37
to the scent of the gun itself The duration of my contemplation remains unclear a horrifying blur
42:45
Subsequently I unloaded the weapon returned it to its place changed clothes
42:50
and went to bed The darkness a welcome oblivion Regrettably I believe such dark thoughts
42:57
enter the minds of many betrayed spouses The pain can be that overwhelming that consuming I admitted to her that it was
43:04
the only detail I had concealed during our entire recovery process the darkest secret I held For the first time I
43:12
allowed her to hug and kiss me on the forehead not in a goodbye context but in
43:18
a gesture of comfort and connection It marked the initial emotional touch I
43:23
permitted her to have with me a tentative step back towards intimacy
43:28
Although I claimed to forgive her that night I did not genuinely mean it until several months later
43:35
Nonetheless uttering the words allowing that touch began to truly open the door
43:41
for me Following that physical touch gradually increased Holding hands
43:46
farewell kisses hugs and so forth These interactions became more commonplace in our relationship slowly
43:53
rebuilding the physical intimacy we had lost While full physical togetherness did not
43:58
occur immediately we were progressing steadily in that direction Eventually almost a year after her
44:05
return we became intimate again This period seemed like our hysterical
44:10
bonding phase a desperate intense reconnection born from the trauma She
44:16
continued journaling throughout this time and according to her we were intimate 32 times in 28 days A furious
44:24
reassertion of our physical bond Years later during a conversation she revealed
44:29
that until the night we became intimate she woke up every morning thinking it might be our last day together
44:36
She kept telling herself to endure just one more day a quiet battle fought
44:41
within herself Recognizing these small cautious signs from me she understood that I was slowly
44:48
but surely reestablishing a connection Today we built a strong resilient marriage Both of us were successful in
44:55
our careers raising three wonderful children who are now grown As far as we
45:00
know they are unaware of these past events There are no plans to disclose the full story but we won't lie if they
45:08
ever inquire directly Both of us underwent significant changes from that crucible of pain My wife emerged
45:14
stronger and wiser viewing this entire period as an unnecessary evil she caused but successfully overcame
45:22
Sometimes I believe she still imposes punishment on herself a quiet penance for her past actions As for me this
45:29
topic seldom surfaces in our discussions or arguments not for over 20 years She
45:35
is incredibly perceptive and often recognizes when I experience a trigger though they are infrequent now perhaps
45:41
once or twice a year While brief they still sting a sharp momentary pang of
45:47
memory Typically she would subtly grab my hand and hold it or offer a comforting hug saying "I love you," or
45:55
simply expressing gratitude a quiet acknowledgement of the shared past I
46:00
lost some positive aspects of myself through that experience I tend to withhold my feelings dealing
46:06
with them privately becoming more self-contained while simultaneously supporting her emotional needs
46:13
I've made it clear that I won't be her emotional crutch anymore It is now her responsibility to
46:18
communicate the issue and propose a plan for resolution which I will assist in implementing But the initial burden is
46:25
hers I love her and I had to learn to love her again It's different now
46:31
Perhaps more realistic stripped of youthful naive but intense nonetheless
46:36
forged in fire As mentioned earlier I believe I had to sacrifice a part of my goodness for her
46:42
to grow into a better person At this juncture in my life I am content with
46:48
that choice I share this story in the hope that it may benefit someone else navigating similar pain While every
46:55
situation is unique this unconventional approach proved effective for us and I'm
47:01
profoundly grateful for that I'm not advocating for reconciliation as the only path I'm advocating for
47:08
self-control Focus on what you can change not what you can't
47:13
Prioritize what benefits you in your specific circumstances Be self-centered to some extent Then consider rebuilding
47:20
a collective we in a marriage or relationship later Look up the serenity
47:26
prayer on Google In my opinion no truer words have ever been written
47:32
Remember you're hearing about the worst days of our lives in marriage the absolute nater
47:38
Despite this tragedy we've created many greater happier memories that far outweigh it I wish you all the best on
47:46
this journey With effort focused on yourself you can emerge victorious on the other side of
47:51
the pain Update I want to inform everyone that we remained married We had grandchildren
47:58
and if you're aware you know it's an entirely different kind of love boundless and pure My wife was
48:05
semi-retired working as PRN meaning as needed or when she wanted to enjoying
48:10
her freedom I continued working full-time but we managed to find ample time for travel
48:17
exploring the world together I can't recall the last time I had a trigger related to the affair perhaps
48:24
about 3 years ago and only because our oldest discovered about my wife's past affair through a vindictive relative
48:30
leading a very lonely life My wife handled it with grace and humility
48:36
owning her past without excuses and it impacted me in a way that I finally moved on completely releasing the last
48:43
vestigages of that old pain She apologized sincerely for the pain she caused our son and we both emphasized
48:50
that it was in the past Any issues he had we offered help but
48:56
cautioned him that ultimately it was between us falling under matters that were our business
49:02
Fortunately it hasn't seemed to affect their relationship even though she was understandably embarrassed by the
49:08
revelation Update: 3 weeks ago my wife Jenny passed away
49:14
after a six-month battle with colon cancer She left us all of us our
49:19
children and I by her bedside in the home we constructed 4 years ago for our retirement
49:25
Her retirement only 18 months in when she was diagnosed was abruptly cut short
49:31
Describing the loss is beyond my capacity It surpasses any pain I've encountered even the collective anguish
49:37
experienced in this community as betrayed loved ones Following our reconciliation she spent
49:44
the remaining years making amends for the pain she caused not explicitly but through her actions her unwavering love
49:51
and she succeeded in a remarkable manner I feel her absence deeply a constant
49:57
ache as do our children However I recognize that I am still here for a purpose In her final days Jenny wrote a
50:05
letter to me She entrusted our pastor to deliver it after the ceremony at the appropriate moment I read the letter 3
50:12
days ago her final words to me a profound and beautiful message
50:18
I'd like to share a passage from it for those of you who have read our story and found something positive It underscores
50:24
the importance for betrayed individuals to forgive not for the betrayer but for their own peace It also highlights that
50:31
those who betray and genuinely feel remorse should endure long-term consequences for their actions not as
50:37
punishment but as a path to genuine transformation Here is the passage I am
50:42
currently experiencing a considerable amount of physical pain as you are aware But my faith provides me with a
50:48
perspective on what lies ahead the pain will eventually diminish
50:54
Certain pains have a tendency to turn one inward and I've been introspective in recent weeks At times I believe I
51:01
deserve this pain due to what I did to you to us many years ago
51:07
However you consistently lift me settle me in my chair assist me with meals
51:12
bathe me hold my hand and play your guitar As I immerse myself in memories I
51:18
recognize that this pain is a gift It allows me to encounter the true essence of love in its purest form Your genuine
51:25
forgiveness for my past actions your actions caring for me reflect true love and forgiveness
51:31
I love you immensely There is more to say always but I wanted
51:37
to share this with our Wistaloom community and express gratitude for your presence in our lives even if it's on
51:42
the periphery I love you as well my Jenny
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