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It can be tough to figure out if someone is behaving in a concerning or harmful way with all that indirectness. That’s why it’s wise to learn to spot the warning signs before you’re in too deep!
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Narcissists are rarely ever direct. Many of their tactics involve using disguised forms
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of various types of hostility. This cruelty allows someone, especially a passive-aggressive
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narcissist, to gain plausible deniability for their actions and avoid taking accountability
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It can be tough to figure out if someone is behaving in a concerning or harmful way with
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all that indirectness. That's why it's wise to learn to spot the warning signs before
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you're in too deep. Here are 6 red flags that reveal a passive-aggressive narcissist
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1. A passive-aggressive narcissist displays social hostility. Social or relational hostility involves treating others in a way that ostracizes them or invokes
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social punishment. The trick with a passive-aggressive narcissist is doing this in disguised ways
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to avoid direct aggression. This sort of toxicity is a complex topic. Most human beings
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develop natural social awareness to some degree to dissect the nuances of various interactions
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This action means that even subtle acts of hostility in a relational context can feel
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very powerful. There's no need for direct attacks when a narcissist can get their message
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across with various social forms of communication. For example, a passive-aggressive narcissist
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may socially exclude others. Have you ever been trying to fit in well in a group, only
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to have that group seem to close into a circle and leave you standing outside? Passive-aggressive
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narcissists love to find ways to do that to those they resent. They'll expertly orchestrate
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social situations to exclude you purposefully. 2. Give silent treatment. A narcissist isn't going to tell you when they're upset directly. Instead, they'll
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ignore you or act like you're not there to make communication impossible. Silence is
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a prevalent tactic of narcissists, says studies. This is because it avoids direct conflict
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and instead serves as a way to goad you into initiating hostility. The silent treatment
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and avoidance send an unequivocal relational message that gets on anyone's nerves
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3. Accidentally humiliate. A passive-aggressive narcissist knows how to hit you where it hurts, but they don't want to be the bad guy of a situation, so
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they find ways to indirectly talk about things that'll hurt you, usually in calm and innocent-sounding
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ways in front of others. This is a form of covert punishment designed to isolate you
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from social interaction. 2. Non-communication of resentment and the desires of a passive-aggressive narcissist. If a passive-aggressive narcissist has a problem
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with you, they're not going to tell you the way that an average person would. If they
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want something, they'll keep it to themselves and hope you figure it out. This is because
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their passiveness involves non-communication. They want you to get the message, but they
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don't want to tell you that message. It's an unreasonable expectation and, left unchecked
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becomes extremely tiring and toxic. This non-communication can happen by sulking. When a narcissist is
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upset, they'll make it evident by being grumpy, sulky, sour, and irritable. They'll create
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challenging levels of tension while insisting that everything is okay. Hint dropping. A narcissist who wants something doesn't want to ask for it directly. They're
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too worried that you will see it as something they have to owe you for. As such, they try
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to drop hints so you pick up on their desires and fulfill them without them needing to own
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that truth. Wishful wishing. This is the closest that passive-aggressive narcissists get to direct communication and it's incredibly annoying
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They'll wish out loud for what they want, but then dump that wish out quickly. This
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employs guilt-tripping mechanisms and allows them to pretend that the idea they're expressing
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isn't theirs. For example, it would be so nice if someone would get me some coffee too
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but I guess that'll never happen, so never mind. 3. Direct or underhanded sabotage goes along with a passive-aggressive narcissist
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If a narcissist doesn't want you to succeed, they'll try to sabotage you. They'll get in
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your way, mismanage various tasks, break agreements, and turn others against you or
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against each other. Direct sabotage can be easy to spot, however. As such, a passive-aggressive
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narcissist will often opt for subtler approaches to undermining you and adding to your difficulties
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They may do this in the following ways. Procrastination. A passive-aggressive narcissist
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may stall for time to sabotage your efforts. This is especially true if they need to complete
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a task for things to go smoothly. Research shows that this is a surprisingly common narcissistic
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tactic. Poor performance. If they want to sabotage your progress, a narcissist who needs to work with you may intentionally underperform. They'll
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do lousy work or forget to do various tasks, then shift the blame away from themselves
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and act innocent. Worse still, they may leave things wholly undone. Stalling. Passive-aggressive people find ways other than procrastination to stall you
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They may set up unnecessary red tape and obstruct attempts at communication and progress. They
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might run late for all your meetings or try to slow you down in other ways. They'll use
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stubbornness as a tool against you. A passive-aggressive narcissist excels at passing around blame. Those with high levels of narcissism always refuse to take responsibility
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for their actions. They don't want to be held accountable for anything, so they'll find
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ways to pass around blame. They may do this by blaming others for what they've done, insisting
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that you should have done more or known better. For example, I only forgot because you didn't
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remind me. Playing the victim by acting like they're being persecuted unfairly. For example
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there's no way for me to explain myself here because you've already decided I'm wrong
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Guilt-tripping others so that they're able to get away with their actions scot-free
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For example, you know I've been having such a hard time with my family lately, I can't
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believe you're being so harsh on me. Gaslighting others so they think their perception is wrong
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For example, I wasn't being unfair to you, you're probably just feeling exhausted so
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you took me the wrong way. Deflecting the topic to distract from the
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issue at hand. For example, but you didn't help me when I wanted your help last month
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Not all of these methods are necessarily passive, but they're often used as a means
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of quickly getting out of trouble. A passive-aggressive narcissist won't want to admit to their faults
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actively so this is their next best option. 5. A passive-aggressive narcissist uses disguised
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forms of verbal hostility. Verbal hostility, such as insults and verbal attacks, is directly
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aggressive. But that doesn't mean that a narcissist won't find ways to be more passive
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All they need to do is disguise that hostility. They'll do this with
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A passive-aggressive narcissist gives backhanded compliments. When a toxic person compliments you, they're rarely doing it genuinely. It's typically
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a backhanded way to insult you while making themselves look innocent. They might say things
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like, wow, great dress, I used to dress like that in high school. Or perhaps they'll
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look you up and down and say they admire your confidence for going out dressing as you did
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That sounds nice, but it's not and you can tell it isn't
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Brutal honesty. There's a difference between being honest and just being cruel. A passive-aggressive
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narcissist is the latter, but they look like the former. They'll insist that they want
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the best for you, but their words are unreasonably hurtful and disrespectful
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Humor and the passive-aggressive narcissist. A passive-aggressive narcissist will often make use of hostile humor. They'll make digs at various aspects of you but insist they
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were joking. This lets them express their true thoughts while painting you to look like
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you're overly sensitive. Disclaimers. The passive-aggressive narcissist may fill their sentences with disclaimers
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to make themselves seem mindful. They may say, no offense, but, or I hope you don't
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think I'm rude, but, as well as other careful statements. They use these to protect themselves
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against the inevitable backlash for the harsh words they'll say. Since they prepared you
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they'll make your adverse reaction out to be your problem. A passive-aggressive narcissist has an exaggerated need for attention, validation, and assurance
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Lots of people do want and need extrinsic validation from those around them. There are
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even plenty of people with unhealthy levels of this need who aren't narcissists. But those
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with many narcissisms will express this exaggerated need in notably harmful ways
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A passive-aggressive narcissist will want to seek out and almost demand the assurance
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they desire. But the key word here is their passiveness. They don't directly ask for
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attention, they try to grab it in various toxic and manipulative ways. This behavior
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is a huge red flag and can come from any following emotions
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Fear of rejection or ridicule. A passive-aggressive narcissist is often highly motivated by various
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forms of fear. They may be afraid of rejection, of being wrong, or of being ridiculed. This
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fear causes them to crave validation to alleviate this fear. They're worried that people will
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call their bluff or will see them in a different way than they wish to be perceived. As such
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they find ways to gain the assurance they want, typically through underhanded means
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This also means that many narcissists are afraid of vulnerability and won't be open
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to genuine intimacy and honesty with others. Constant anxiety. A lot of narcissists experience constant states of anxiety. This emotion elevates
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into toxic behavior because they project their fear, accusing others of various things without
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evidence or truth. They're so anxious that they believe their anxieties are entirely
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rational and take that out on everyone around them. In a passive-aggressive narcissist
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this can be seen in the way they constantly talk about impending doom or how everyone
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is out to get them. Studies show a high correlation between anxious and narcissistic tendencies
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Threat perception. The aforementioned constant anxiety means that a passive-aggressive narcissist perceives everything as a threat. They take everything personally. If you say something
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casually, they'll think it was directed at them. Everything is seen as a personal attack
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and it can be exhausting for the people around them to deal with. They don't take anyone
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in good faith. Unfortunately, there's no amount of validation or assurance that can ever be
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enough for a passive-aggressive narcissist. Not only do they fail to internalize anything
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positive you say truly, but they also don't believe those words. This is especially true
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for individuals with NPD, typically a disorder based on trauma. They may believe they're
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not worthy of love, so they desire that love but can't think it may be genuine. They'll
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do whatever it takes to get praise, but at the end of the day, it won't make them feel
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good the way they wish it did. You can't always discern who's a narcissist or just a bit of
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a toxic person with a few toxic traits. That's why it's vital to spot red flags from anyone
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whose passive-aggression may harm you. Only then can you say no to their machinations
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