Cruise to Nowhere Tales -- The Soldier's Tale

THE SOLDIER'S TALE A MODERN ADAPTATION OF THE KNIGHT'S TALE FROM CHAUCER'S CANTERBURY TALES Once two friends were sitting at a bar, Thinking there was nothing that could mar Their friendship or engender enmity. But they were wrong, as shortly you will see. These two were both fine soldiers, none was better, And both could follow orders to the letter, Even into rivers of hot lead. One was Tod, the other one was Ted. They were childhood friends from a small town, And on the day they doffed their cap and gown, Both enlisted, neither would say nay, For if one went, the other would not stay. Together in Iraq they served a tour, And then another, surer now than sure That after each had saved the other's life, No lover could divide them, nor no wife. But at that bar there was a girl so hot That both these friends were smitten on the spot. Her long blond hair went down below her waist, And breasts, half showing, begged for just a taste. She wore a sweater open to the cleft And a short, tight skirt. Whatever there was left To see of her was bursting through her clothes. And her name, appropriately, was Rose. "The Yellow Rose of Texas," Tod exclaimed, But she was a Virginia girl, she claimed, Like them, small town, and just their age to boot. As they talked, the friends stared at her fruit, Each imagining that she was his Exclusively, so fragile friendship is, And wished the other vanished, gone, kaput! Two young and healthy specimens in rut. There was, however, no way one could lose The other, nor could Rose at that point choose Which one she wanted, and so soon all three Were often in each other's company, Hanging out or going here or there, As near inseparable as any pair. Eventually, each male wanted more, And there was undeclared a silent war Between the former friends for Rose's love, As both looked hungrily at every move She made, and melted at the thought Of savoring at last the joys he sought. One day Tod couldn't stand it anymore And asked Ted, "What are we pretending for? I want Rose for myself, and so do you. Let's tell Rose and see what she will do!" "True enough!" said Ted. "And I agree It should be Rose who tells us who will be Her lover, who should stay and who should go, If it be either one of us. We know She likes us, but perhaps only as friends, While what I feel for her each moment rends Me into bloody rags! I cannot sleep Or eat for want of her! Instead, I keep Her face in front of me and dream she's mine. But I can't make a move when all the time You're with us like a constant chaperone Who'll never leave the two of us alone!" "Alone?" Tod raged indignantly. "Alone? I'd rather smash your head in with a stone Than let you touch what's mine by right of love, The greatest that has ever mortal moved, I have no doubt -- I feel it in my heart, That every day is freshly torn apart, And torn apart again, and then again, Each time I think of her with other men!" And so the two agreed to leave to Rose Which one gets to stay and which one goes. But Rose was not so ready to agree To choose which of the two contestants she Would want to keep and which she'd throw away. "I love you both!" she weeping said. But they Insisted that she choose one or the other. She would, she said, keep one just for a brother, The other for a lover all her life, And thus be both a sister and a wife. But they were adamant that they would not Accept less than the most desired spot, And if not chosen, then would disappear, For less than all was more than they could bear. And so at last she said she would decide Which of them she'd spend her life beside When they came back from their next tour. For why, She asked, choose now? She did not want to lie, But told them that she feared what might transpire In war, and that revealing her desire Now might lose the love of the survivor, Whose passionate return might well revive her. Angry and dissatisfied, these two Former friends bade their love adieu, And soon were shipped out to Afghanistan To fight the now resurgent Taliban. Secretly each wished the other would Not return, for then for sure he could Enjoy the lifelong love of his sweet Rose. Still, however hid, such feeling shows. The two just barely spoke, and only when Their duties forced them to, for they were then Engaged in firefights both day and night, And they, good soldiers both, did what was right. They couldn't help but think, though, what might happen If one were at the other's back. For passion Sometimes overrules the god of war And lets a rival rival be no more. Both equally were knave and victim here, Touched by the temptation and the fear. One night, as they awaited the next day, Knowing the anticipated fray Would be the fiercest they had ever seen, Both prayed to God to save them, and redeem Their lives now sunk so deeply in despair, For there was ample cause for sadness there