0:04
the dark lord had returned and with him
0:08
a new follower one I never thought I'd
0:11
see entering the ranks of darkness no
0:15
not a powerful wizard not even a squib
0:18
but him Vernon Dersley yes that Vernon
0:22
Dersley the walrusfaced muggle with the
0:26
emotional range of a teaspoon and the
0:29
brain power of a confused hippogri first
0:33
saw him at a death eater gathering i
0:36
thought he was the caterer wearing an
0:39
ill-fitting black robe his face flushed
0:43
purple he strutted into the circle like
0:46
he was about to demand a refund for a
0:49
faulty vacuum the dark lord amused
0:53
beyond belief he asked him "Why do you
0:57
seek the power of the dark and Vernon
1:00
Merlin help me?" He said "Because
1:03
Hogwarts took my nephew and turned him
1:07
into a delinquent freak and also because
1:11
I believe in strong traditional values
1:14
like discipline and proper lawn
1:19
Beratrix twitched handed then he pulled
1:22
out a power drill from under his robius
1:25
a cordless black and decker claiming it
1:28
was more efficient than a wand and could
1:31
get rid of Horcruxes if you just drilled
1:34
really really hot the dark lord nearly
1:39
choked on his own evil laughter i did
1:43
not from that day on he was called Lord
1:50
insisted on driving two battles in a
1:53
company van with Dersley drilling evil
1:57
solutions for your home written on the
2:00
side during one mission he tried to
2:03
install a burglar alarm at Malfoy Manor
2:06
to prevent those weirdos from sneaking
2:09
in through the fireplace lucius was
2:13
horrified and at Hogwarts he demanded a
2:16
parent teacher conference with
2:18
Dumbledore arguing that the curriculum
2:22
lacked proper business studies and the
2:25
children should learn about accounting
2:28
instead of divination he tried to get
2:31
Hagrid fired for owning illegal animals
2:35
and for violating zoning regulations in
2:38
the forbidden forest he handed Voldemort
2:42
a pamphlet 10 ways to improve workplace
2:47
productivity and torture less and in the
2:50
final battle at the Battle of Hogwarts
2:53
he charged in wielding two leaf blowers
2:56
like a deranged suburban Sith Lord
2:59
shouting "No more magic in my Nabaho
3:04
this is a clean energy zone." M conal
3:08
stunned him before he could electrify
3:10
the wamping willow voldemort eventually
3:14
banished him not because he failed but
3:17
because Vernon tried to install carpet
3:20
in the chamber of secrets said the place
3:23
had terrible acoustics and drafty pipes
3:27
now he lives in Surrey still claiming he
3:30
was once the dark lord's right-hand man
3:33
selling dark mark lawn ornaments on eBay
3:37
and giving unsolicited advice to Aly
3:42
now and then he writes to the ministry
3:45
asking for a refund for Harry's magical
3:49
education and suggesting they all just
3:52
switch to mail orderer correspondence
3:57
that dear listeners is why even darkness
