Self-Compassion | The Surprising Alternative to Self-Esteem

Kristin Neff, from the University of Texas, has proposed a useful alternative to self-esteem, called self-compassion. “While self-compassion offers similar benefits to self-esteem, it appears to have fewer downsides,” according to the author (p. 3). Neff continues by pointing out that self-compassion encompasses an attitude of self-kindness (p. 4). Instead of criticizing ourselves for our flaws and mistakes, she advocates a self-caring and understanding mindset. While most people tend to criticize themselves for their inadequacies, she recommends an attitude which soothes and supports us in times of individual hardships. Additionally, Neff adds the concept of common humanity, which relates to the recognition that we are not the only one who struggle, fail, and have to deal with imperfection. What connects us to others, according to this concept, is that we all suffer. It is a normal part of life to fail—to not live up to one’s own or other people’s standards. Perceived flaws and weaknesses are part of the human experience. Neff argues that suffering is a reason to feel connected to others and not disconnected because we are not good enough. Imagine a person who has to give a presentation at work, for instance. She does not receive the feedback she was hoping for and criticizes herself for being too nervous when presenting the content. She might get so caught up in her habit of self-blaming and ruminating that she doesn’t even notice that she is suffering. Therefore, being more mindful can help us realize when we are going through a rough time and respond in a self-caring way.